Living With The Sidemen (A Sidemen Fanfiction)

Chapter 31

"You just don't understand." I said, squinting at the sky. Mackenzie and I hadn't moved from our spot on the roof, but she wanted to talk about me cheating on her for some reason. "Exactly. And I want to understand." She said. I sighed. "How can I make you understand when I don't even understand myself?" I asked, my voice quiet. "I-I don't know." She said, I felt her shrug beside me. "I-I don't know why I did it. I really don't. I loved you, hell I still do. But I think I was just trying to convince myself that it wasn't real. I wasn't ready for that commitment . But now, I have no choice. We are going to have a child. I can't just run away from that. I can't just give up on it." I said, letting my heart speak before my brain could overrule. "You do have a choice." Mackenzie said after a few seconds of welcomed silence. "No I don't." I said, shaking my head. "Yeah you do. You don't have to accept this baby. But you choose to. Just like you chose to keep it. I respected your decision and kept it. Even if I would've kept it anyways." She said. I looked over at her, and her eyes were glued to her stomach. "Do you still love me?" I asked her. She looked up, but not at me, straight ahead. "As the father of my child and one of my best friends, yes. But as anything else, I'm not too sure yet." She said, her voice strong. Stronger than mine. "You guys okay up here?" A voice came from below us. We both looked down to see Vik. "Yeah." We both answered. "Pizza's here if you want." He said before retreating back into the house. "I'm hungry." Mackenzie said, beginning to stand up. I grabbed her wrist and she looked down at me. She was waiting for me to say something, but so was I. My words got caught up in my throat, so I sighed and let go of her, my hand dropping to my side. "Simon, are you alright?" She asked. I slowly nodded, but I didn't know if that was the whole truth. She sighed before walking away, disappearing inside. I knew she didn't want to leave, but I'm glad she did. I hadn't felt this bad or stuck since high school. When I would get bullied and made fun of daily. When my life was horrible and I wanted it to end. Oh God, what have I done? How do I fix it? Why can't it ever be so easy?

*Mackenzie's POV*

I walked up the stairs slowly. I had just gotten done eating, and everyone but Simon was downstairs. He had never come down. The bathroom light was on, but the door was unlocked, so I slowly opened it just in case Simon was in there. What I saw, made me feel like I was going to pass out. Simon was sitting down, his back against the wall, a razor in his hand, his wrist bleeding, and tears streaming down his face. "Simon!" I said, rushing to his side. He looked up at me, but his face was emotionless. I grabbed a towel and knelt down beside him. "Oh God. Simon." I said, my own tears forming. He looked at me while I cleaned his wrist. He stayed silent. When I got all of the extra blood off, I held the towel down forcefully. I looked up at Simon. "Simon, why?" I asked, my voice hoarse. He blinked a few times and looked away from me. He was embarrassed. Ashamed. He hated this. I knew he did. I put an arm over his shoulders, bringing him closer to me. He leaned against me, his head soon buried in my shoulder. "Simon, why did you cut again?" I asked, my voice still very weak. I heard him sigh lightly. "It all just gets a bit too much sometimes. I-I'm sorry." He said. His voice was worse than mine. It sounded horrible. "Don't apologize, Simon." I said, giving him a small squeeze. And we sat there in silence for what felt like ages. "I love you." I finally said. He pulled away from me, pulling his wrist out from under the towel and my other hand. I put the towel back on his wrist, but he just stared at me. "This doesn't mean anything, Simon." I said, looking at his fresh cut. I felt bad for Simon. I really did. He was always so happy and confident, but that's just some of what everyone sees. The people of the Internet don't see what actually happens behind the camera. Where we yell at each other and cut our own skin. They don't know. And they probably won't ever. "Mackenzie, you can't tell anyone about this." He said, looking down. "Simon-" I started. "Please." He said, his voice stronger now. I sighed in defeat and nodded slowly. "Simon, you know you have a meet up tomorrow. You can wear a hoodie or something, but someone might see." I said. I watched his softened features. He looked so defeated and upset. I had never seen Simon like this. He was once one of my idols, he still is, and now he's my family too. It's hard to see someone who makes you strong so weak. Another tear slipped out of my eye, but I tried my best to ignore my feelings as of right now. He shrugged. I sighed again. "Let's go to bed, it's late." I said, not moving. He started to get up, but stopped when he saw I wasn't moving. "You coming?" He asked. "Yeah. I'm gonna clean up first." I said, looking down. The razor laid a few feet away, where I threw it away from him. Blood covered me and the floor. He gulped, but nodded anyways. "I love you." I said as he walked out the door, he stopped. "I love you too." He said before walking away. I put my head in my hands. Never would I have even imagined myself in this position. Helping, saving one of the people who once saved me. Maybe Simon didn't need saving. Maybe he just needed a little break from everything. I sure as hell did.