Finding Harley: Renegades MC Story

Chapter 39

No matter how many times you say it in your head, you cannot make your heart to give a damn or in this case NOT give a damn.   That was the dilemma I was having as I stared down at the bastard I shared DNA with.   For some unknown reason I actually gave a fuck even after all the bullshit he fed me.

How do you instantaneously turn off emotion?  It wasn't like life came with a switch that when things just got too fucking tough you flipped it to the off position.   No, instead we were made to suffer the consequences of both loving and hating a person at the same time.   

Apparently that is a common trend in my life.   As I look at Axel leaning against the wall my heart warms briefly as I take in his masculine aura, knowing that as long as he was in the room I was at least physically safe, but was I emotionally?   And just like that my mind flashes images of the slut kneeling before him and suddenly my heart turns cold.  

Stupid brain.  Stupid heart.  Make a fucking decision.

I don't want to feel.   I don't want to think.   Christ when did life get this complicated?   It was these types of convoluted feelings that prevented me from forming attachments all these years.   What was I thinking, letting people in?   In my world, emotion equals pain.   Love equals pain.  Trust equals pain.  

This was a lesson you would think I have learned by now.   But for some reason I thought things could be different.  That I could actually have people in my life, let them in.   For once be a normal person, live a normal life.   Date and have friends.  

Fuck was I wrong...I mean other than Nix, every person I know has consistently let me down.  

Releasing a sigh, my eyes closed briefly.   The tension in the room was so thick it was suffocating.   It hurt to breathe and that pain had nothing to do with my healing ribs.

Axel, Mac and Hawk casually waited for my next move.   They already had their fun from the looks of all the blood.   Even though he was conscious, I was positive that Cricket would have slumped to the ground if he wasn't in fact tied to the chair.   Although he had the shit beaten out of him, it wasn't his injuries that concerned me, it was the look of defeat that shown in his eyes as he stared back up at me.  

"Harley?"  Nix asked as she took a step closer to me.

Shaking my head she stopped and resumed her position by the wall.   I knew they were all waiting.   Waiting on me to make a decision.   But I didn't have the answer.   I knew by the laws of the club, Cricket would have been eliminated immediately.   But because of all the other factors that made this situation completely fucked up, they were leaving the final say to me.

So the question was - How do I sentence the man I always considered to be my father, who in actuality was my father, to death?   As much as I hated this man, I also loved him.   Could I live with myself knowing I ended his life?

Leaving yet another girl fatherless?  

A commotion by the door had everyone reaching for their weapons as a still battered Mary flung herself in front of Cricket.

"Please.   Please don't do this.   You don't understand.  He didn't have a choice, he didn't have a fucking choice."  She cried out.

Raising my hand everyone settled back down.   Mary wasn't a threat.

"He always had a choice Mary.   He just decided not to use it."

"You don't understand.   Even before he set out to find you, Hunter had already taken me and Sarah.   We were collateral to keep Cricket in line.   He didn't have a choice.  Our lives were on the line."