Daddy - An SVU fic

42.One Step toward, two Steps back (part 2)

Chapter 42.

.

*chapter contains rape*

Up until this past spring, the Benson method of 'conceal, don't feel' had always worked wonders for Olivia. She'd act as if the emotions she felt from any given problem were not an issue and in return, she got to spend her life living in an altered form of bliss (if you could call it that). But these past almost 8 months she's been on this roller coaster with no way to get off. It hits every low point in her life and forces her not only to relive but to respond and it's why she's been in this constant state of being inundated with emotions that are draining her. It doesn't matter if she excuses herself to go to her room or if she breaks down where she stands; 'conceal, don't feel' has all but abandoned its post and what's left is a woman who's breaking points are being put to the test and it's killing her.

For a moment she sat staring at the polish on the toes of her bare feet as her hands nervously sought..something and quickly deciding that the long sleeves of her tee shirt wouldn't make do. "Would you help me up?" She asked Elliot in a near silent voice. Her eyes were full of tears and she quickly found herself on her feet with the dark blue toes that she'd been staring at and silently began walking away.

"Liv-" Barba started.

"Just um...I need a minute!" She said without turning around to look at them. "I just; give me a minute!" she walked off, heading for the kitchen. Elliot looked on as did Nick and Barba.

"I hate my job some days, and this, this is one of them!" Barba said as he got up and began pacing.

...

In the kitchen, Olivia stood against the counter as she took a deep breath and let it out through her mouth and her hand went to her belly, rubbing anxiously as her tears fell.

"This won't break you!" It came out sounding like she was unsure of herself but after a few seconds she wiped her tears and took another couple of deep breaths before she straightened up and left the kitchen, then headed back to the living room.

...

"I need to talk to him... By myself." She announced to Elliot and Nick about Barba when she came back. The three men stood, looking at one another and Barba wishing he were anywhere but here; finally it was Nick who spoke.

"Liv..." He said with Elliot right on his heels, ready to put up a struggle, but Olivia put a stop to it before they could get an argument in.

"Please" She said with a hand up. "I need to do this alone." With resistance they nodded, Elliot speaking up.

"The den's empty." She turned to go and Barba followed her after a few seconds, looking nervously at Nick and El as he went.

"I'm gonna beat the balls off this guy!" Elliot seethed as he paced the room, angrily.

"Way ahead of you, there's only one problem. They have two sergeants over at the four three and Barba wouldn't give me the name!"

...

"Liv, first I wanna say how sorry I am that I got pulled into this; I'm only sorrier that you had to go through it." Rafael said once they were settled in the den.

"How mu-" she cleared her throat "how much do you know?"

"About the case? Not much to be honest though a lot more now than I did. I've tried to be respectful, ignore the papers, the news. After Lewis I..." He had to stop himself when he felt tears well up, thinking about what he now knew. "They called from the DAs office in Pennsylvania not even an hour ago; they're faxing the file over and our DA wants me to..."