That's Gay >Cake FanFiction<

Chapter 7

****trigger warning!****

•Michael's POV•

They hate me. They actually hate me. They hate me because I have to act as a homophobic prick. They hate me because I can't keep my mouth shut. I hate me because I am acting like someone I'm not.

I start crying. I hate myself. I need to just get over my fear and accept who I actually am. But I can't. I fear that I won't be accepted.

I hear music from upstairs. Nice, they are playing without me. I sigh and more tears build up in my eyes. I still can't believe what I've done. That was unacceptable, just like I am. People won't ever understand why I put up such a fake act. People don't understand what it's like to be someone you don't want to be.

I don't want to be what I am, but I can't help it. I can't help that I have feelings for another guy. I can't help that I'm actually gay.

I put on this homophobic act just because I can't accept who I am. I can't be like others that actually accept themselves..I just can't. I try to be myself, be the real me, but I'm afraid of rejection. I have this sick fear of being rejected by my family/friends.

Yeah, my friends support gay rights but what if they make an exception to me. What if they leave me because of who I am? What if my parents even go as far as disowning me? I couldn't take it.

I couldn't take that one bit. I don't tell anyone about the way I feel. Sometimes I even feel unwanted. If I come out then I'll defiantly be unwanted. People will leave me and I'll be forever alone. People will leave me to just die.

I sit in a tight, little ball in the corner. I sit there and think about the mistakes I've made to my best friends. Some of the people I care most about.

Tears never stop streaming down my face. All I wanna do right now is make it up to my best friends somehow. But I couldn't ever do that.

So much stress, so much hatred, so much pain.

I begin walking to the bathroom knowing exactly what I'm about to do, the thing I wanted to do for six years. I will not regret this, after all, I deserve it.

I search frantically, trying to find something sharp, able to draw blood. I'm about to give up and just cry myself to sleep, but I find something that is very needed at this point in time.

I pick up the sharp razor and prepare to drag it across my wrist. I sit in front of the sink and place the top of the razor on my skin.

"I deserve this." I say to my self.

I drag it across, blood dripping as I do so. I wince at the pain but soon that pain turns into guilt, anger, sadness, and then pleasure.

I containing striking my wrist.
1 cut for being gay.
1 cut for hurting my best friends.
1 cut for acting and being fake.
1 cut for...

I loose count of how many times I cut. But I couldn't care less.

Blood is dripping down my wrist and I let it. I don't attempt to move and wash it off. I let it be for the time being. The cuts hurt like hell but I'm too numb. Too emotionally numb to feel anything.

[][][][][]

I finally washed off my bloody and scratched wrist. I put the razor away. I go over to the first aid and my vision is blurred, from tears and loss of blood.

I bandage my wrist up and throw on a long sleeved shirt, I can't afford for the others to see it..not like they would actually care. They wouldn't care at all.

I hop into my bed feeling very drained, not like I'll be able to sleep anyways. I wrap myself in the blankets and hold my wrist. I hurts awfully bad. But I guess that's what I deserve.

|_|_|_|

I must've fallen asleep at some point last night. Not sure when though. I try to stand but I feel very lightheaded and dizzy. I plant my feet to the floor and stand up slowly.

I walk into the bathroom and see the slightest blood on the floor. I wipe it up trying to get rid of any trace.
I quickly change my bandages, those cuts are gonna leave massive scars..oh well.

<><><>

I walk downstairs and everyone is sitting at the table. I keep my head down so I don't make eye contact.

"Hey Mikey.." Someone trails off.

I say nothing and keep my head hung low.

"Okay fine be that way." Cal scoffs and the tears brim my eyes.

I grab a banana and go back up stairs, "where are you----" cal gets cut off, "just leave him alone." Ash interrupts.

I lock the door and slide down it. My head is in my knees and I begin to sob. I really have fucked up bad this time.

*****

I had fallen asleep again. I'm still feel weak and I don't know what to do. I get up from my position on the floor. I'm disappointed that the other boys have yet to check on me but who am I kidding, no one would check up on this fuck up.

I throw on a huge hoodie and stuff my hands into my pockets. I go downstairs, "where are you going with that huge hoodie?" Luke quietly asks. "It's really hot out..."

"No where." I mumble and walk out the door.

I step onto the sidewalk and begin to walk. I walk until my legs won't walk anymore.

•••••

I don't even know where I am anymore. It's getting late.  I begin to panic slightly but I deserve all of this.

I reach our house and rush through the door, "Michael you can't just leave like that! No one knew where you were, hell, what were you thinking?!"  Ashton screams and I run upstairs to my room.

I lock the door once again and Ashton comes pounding on it. He doesn't for long though. He obviously got tired of me not answering.

All my thoughts from last night hit me and they hit me hard. I begin to rock, my eyes filling with tears. "H-how could I-I be so f-fake?" I stutter out due to my tears.

I go into the bathroom again this time to shower, maybe that'll help...wrong. I just cry until I run out of tears. People might think I'm a crybaby and over emotional but I really messed up and I don't know if I'll be able to fix this mistake I made.

Well I sure can try.

HEY! This was a very dramatic chapter..things will look up. The cakeyness will happen. Thanks for reading.

-M