Unraveling Harmony

9 - Harder I Fight, Deeper I Fall

Yes! Another chapter on the same day(:

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Chapter 9: Julie

            “His mother died mom and dad.” I whispered into the sea. “And all I’m doing is toying with his heart.”

            The sand wrapped around me as I stared into the cloudy sky. Wildwood Crest was deserted this early in the morning. I had gotten on a train around five am and have been here ever since. I had to get out and this was the first thing that came to my mind.

            The funeral came a week later after the tragedy that shocked us all. All I thought about was the guilt eating me alive. Here Ryan was, now damaged and a big hole in his heart where his mother last stood, and I was just leading him on to get him even more broken. I always had bad luck. Torture overwhelmed me. I had to tell him the truth for once, but after all this time, after spending almost two whole months with him and everything we’ve been through together, he’d leave me for sure and I didn’t know if I wanted that. I was so selfish. Guess I picked up Daniel’s gene.

            Daniel.

            Thoughts soon flooded about him. The line between Daniel and I might be blurred out for the past two years, but I can still see it and deep inside, I don’t want to lose sight of it. Ryan on the other hand, is the person I never imagined would come into my life. He’s so down to earth and intriguing. He’ll be there for me until the day fate forces us into a goodbye. I know this because he’s lasted this long. No guy has ever survived two weeks with me since Daniel until Ryan came along.

            I don't know if liked him or liked how I've barely thought about Daniel. Ryan was the perfect distraction, yet I don't know if that's all he is to me. I can't make him feel like I'm using him to slip away farther and farther away from the past. Was I just using him to have an excuse to forget about the past and about Daniel?

            Damn it! Why can’t I just freaking move on?! Daniel is gone and we’re never crossing paths again and here’s Ryan to take away my pain and bring me happiness yet I’m not jumping for the chance. Am I the stupidest girl in the world?! I pounded my fists into the grains, my hands getting drier by the minute. I really think I am turning into one.

            And what happened to my player status? Why am I not cheating on Ryan with five other guys right now? Was it because he’s different than all the others? He was so open and secretive at the same time and it’s always been leaving me wanting more. I’ve gone from queen of the school to plain normal. All that work just to fall for one boy. I’m not a badass with a could care less attitude on the side anymore. Instead, I’m this girl who stares at the phone, waiting for him to call; the one who jumps into his arms the minute she sees him and smiles when he plays with her hair. I’m not supposed to turn into this frilly daffodil! Where’s my edge? I need a reality check.

            I sat back up, trying to get the sand out of my hair by running my fingers through it. I have to start being mean again or am I going to turn into one of those girls who is going to devote their lives to the makeup goddesses or running for pageants and helping animal shelters. I shutter just at the thought of it. I’m done with being Ms. nice girl; I have to start living up to my reputation.

            Hugging my very thin sweater because the spaghetti-strapped tank top and short shorts weren’t giving me any warmth whatsoever, I hit the shuffle button on my iPod, expecting some loud rock song to blare through my ears like ‘Another One Bites the Dust’ by Queen or ‘Shout it Out Loud’ by KISS, but was met with a soft song that made my eyes begin to water. It was the song I played every night whenever I cried myself to sleep after the breakup. It was a song I never wanted to hear again, but here I was breaking down on a deserted beach. The guitar chords made my body start to sway side from side as I tried to keep the tears in.