Rivero Decaying

chapter 11

It was a few days since I last saw anyone that was alive. I was pretty close to Columbia University but I still didn't see anyone. It was weird, i mean a lot of people went here from all over the world but yet i saw no one. No signs of life. It was like no one was here but this place was huge. Maybe they are people here but they are just good at hiding or they are all died and are now growlers and tickers. Whatever if anyone was alive they should be able to figure all this shit out by themselves. I wasn't anyone's babysitter anymore. I just wanted some peace in a not so peaceful place right now. I just wanted to let loose and stop thinking about that kids dark blue eyes and how I choose to study a kid then to end his life. Why am i like this? How can I be so put off by doing things that I need to do one second then the next do it for something to gain? I am a shit of a person. It's mid day now and i just want to relax. I don't feel like climbing to a rooftop but i have to. It's safe up there. Growler and tickers can't climb, I know that for sure. They are kind of slow but when they hear noise and tickers will take off like a motherfucking track star after your ass while a growler runs more like a hype up kids on candy. I saw a two story building and climb that. It was close to them ground and there aren't many tall building in this area. I mean they are but most of them are churches and the college.

I just wanted to smoke and listen to music. But I can't because I don't have anything to smoke other than newports which i throw out because they got wet and I am saving my Ipod and phone battery. So I can listening to it later. Damn why am I like this? Well that's a question that will never be answer. I am walking alone in what use to be the busy streets on Manhattan with no jacket because a dead kid is wrapped in it and it is cold as shit. I didn't want to go inside because I am too damn lazy and annoyed about clearing rooms just to sleep. I know I need to be I don't have to right now. The sky was clear not a cloud in the sky and it was all good. Then that's when I felt it. A single raindrop. I hated everything. It was going to start fucking raining and it was cold as fuck. I need to find someplace to stay dry and not get sick. Good thing I was on a rooftop because it was easy access to windows. I didn't have anything to open the window with so I kicked it in. I was in a nice room. It look to be a living room that high end. I needed to block the broken window but that could wait. I just wanted to lay down on something soft and relax, but I can't not ever again because we are trap in a death trap city. I got up to find something to cover the broken window and that's when the rain started. I was lucky I cover it up in time but somehow the rain calm me. I needed to be calm and not be in my head all the time. I needed to be still and not move. I needed my thoughts to stop.

I needed to forget where I am and just be okay again. I just want to forget about what I've done and who I've killed. But I couldn't. I just couldn't forget his dark blue eyes or they guys who bleed out and then bashing in a dead man head. I want to stop seeing this everytime I close my eyes I just send it over and over again like it is some bad movie on repeat. Why can't I move on from this? I don't want to live with this! I don't want to get use to it! I don't want this life to be my new normal! But I know it will and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I could just give up but something in me is telling me not to. The voice of doubt that used to taunt me is now helping me. I just didn't want to listen to it. I wanted it to be over, I wanted to be okay and fine and wake up from this fucked up dream. This nightmare but it was my reality. It was everyone who is still alive new reality. I needed to shut my mind off. I needed to stop thinking before I lose myself even more. I needed a pick me up to get out of my head. I am in some nice apartment I bet that they have some booze. I looked all over the place until I find me a nice full bottle of honey Jack Daniels. I didn't have anything to mix it with but I didn't care. I wanted to feel the burn it left.

I looked around the place some more and find some cans of food and water. I wanted to eat before I drink, didn't want a super bad hangover. Each room that was here was decked out and super nice. The last room has a king size bed that was calling my name. After making sure it was okay for me to rest and to get my drink on, I went back to the room with my Jacks in hand. I ate my can food and open the bottle to wash down the taste. My throat burn but I did not care. I just wanted one night where I don't see his blue eyes or the other people I've killed. I just wanted a night to myself, to feel like a twenty year old again and not worrying about dying for just one night. I will get that night tonight drunk out of my mind. As the liquor find its way down my throat my body began to relax and feel warm. I find the bed to be amazingly soft and warm. I was feeling great. The liquor was doing its job and I was feeling at ease and my mind was blink.