Your eyes

Chapter 19

Jungkook's POV

      I never knew falling in love would hurt so much. It's been a couple months since Jimin and Taehyung went on their first date, and now they're in a relationship. A romantic relationship.

     They've been so much more comfortable around each other, and I should be happy for them... But I'm not. It hurts everytime I see them smile at each other. It hurts every time they forget I'm there. It hurts when they touch each other and Taehyung doesn't flinch. I'm such a horrible friend for thinking like this, but I can't help it.

       Days have become much more lonely, much more boring than they used to. I find myself just staring at my phone, waiting for someone to text me. I wait for Hoseok to text me, I wait for Jimin to text me, I wait for Taehyung to text me. But none of them ever do.

       The only time I ever get texts anymore is at night, and they're always from Taehyung for bad reasons. Everytime we meet at the park and he breaks down in my arms, and it's beyond worrying. I wonder if he's told Jimin about his problems, or if he only confides in me. In some way it makes me feel special, but in other ways I don't like it. I don't like it because I don't want to just be a comforter to Taehyung, and besides, it's because he's hurting that he calls me over. I don't want him to hurt.

       Despite how I feel, I keep coming back to him and soothing him as much as I can. I've only done this about four more times since the first, but honestly, I don't know how to feel about it. The selfish part of me wants it to keep happening so that Taehyung can trust me and so that I can see him more, but I don't want to it to happen because obviously... It's because he's hurting.

       Sadly, this is the only type of communication that I've been getting lately outside of school, and honestly, it's lonely. I can't talk to my parents, obviously, and I can't talk to any of my friends because they're busy, so what can I do? All of my coping mechanisms like listening to music and drawing aren't working because they're all just not satisfying enough, and I just don't know what to do.

       A sort of hole has begun to form in my chest, and I feel like I'm falling back into that numbness I had before I met Taehyung. I'm scared of it, but then again, I welcome it. Feelings are scary to me, and honestly, since I've been living fine without them, I'd rather just keep living without them. But then Taehyung arrived and everything has changed.

       My feelings for Taehyung haven't changed, in fact they've gotten worse. I've started to feel numb again, but in the worst of ways. I've been feeling lonely and miserable all of the time lately, and even Taehyung's smile can't make me happy. It's not directed at me, after all.

       Due to their new relationship, Taehyung and Jimin have been spending a lot of time together with just the two of them. Hoseok has been busy with the dance group he's in, so frankly... I've been alone a lot.

       Not knowing what to do with my time, I find myself wondering and worrying. I wonder what Taehyung and Jimin might be doing, I wonder how they feel about each other. But I worry too. I'm worried about Taehyung. Does he still hurt himself? Is Jimin taking care of him? Is he happy? Did I make the right choice?

       I let out a soft sigh and bury my head into my pillow. I had just returned home and once again, I'm alone. My chest feels heavy and I grab onto the blankets around me, trying to find some comfort within them. Despite my effort to control my thoughts, they end up drifting once again. All I can think of is Taehyung.

        His warm brown eyes appear in front of me as I close my eyes, and I can't help but let out a groan. I want to see him. I want to talk to him. I want to be with him.