Fall in May

~39~ A Horrible Helen Keller Joke

"Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much." ~ Helen Keller 

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May's Cultural Studies teacher Mrs. Chin is not in fact of Asiatic descent, contrary to what her name would tend to imply. Rather Mrs. Chin or "Chins" is a large and heavy set Midwestern farm girl type. Who I can only assume took her husband's surname, and not the moniker for her jovial jowls.

Although no one has ever admitted to actually seeing "Mr. Chins". Who not unlike May, probably didn't know any of the mysterious secrets of the Far East Movement either. Personally, I have deep suspicions that once Mr. Chin saw where the Orient Express was headed he got the hell off that crazy train ASAP.  

Leaving only his last name behind as evidence that he once had been a resident at the Golden Palace of Insantisani with Chins. Before returning to his ancestral homeland of Wisconsin, where it was safe from all the insanity. Where he went to the hockey games with the rest of his Cheesehead brethren. Where he told his wild tales about his first marriage to this crazy chick in California. The one who kept insisting on"authenticity" ...whatever the hell that was?

The one thing I know about Chins for sure is that the rotund lady is a seriously psychotic Sinophile. One of those people who has immersed herself so deeply in the "mysterious" culture of her forgone husband, that she even has an odd faux effectuated foreign accent. I've even seen her around the halls a couple of times, sporting a black Bruce Lee Mao jacket, or a Tibetan sheepskin Chuba on cold days. Her dishwater blonde hair done up in a tradition queue and adorned with oversized chignon chopsticks with dangling "lucky fortune" ornaments.   

May's issues with Chins started with the "our celestial culture" thing, that Chins has pulled with May on more than one occasion. In her faux effectuated accent, Chins has made it clear she is highly doubtful that anyone with a drop of celestial blood like May, could possibly not know anything whatsoever about Celestials and Celestialisms. Chins is convinced on some level that May must be keeping the Ancient Celestial secrets of her mother's mother's twice removed motherland to herself.

Secrets like, where to get the best authentic Chow Mien in San Fall? Which is obvious to everyone with half a brain is Lee's Take Out on Main Street. Just as Sporka, and he will go on and on about just how awesome the all-you-can-eat buffet is on Mondays. 

Chins also has a horrible habit of collecting celestial ornamentation for her classroom. Like the multi-drawer herbalist apothecary cabinet that serves as her filing cabinet. I know this because May has complained about this monstrosity on more than one occasion. That the old cabinet still smells of ginseng, saffron, and "something seriously nasty" on unusually hot days. 

Then of course there is the object of my current hatred. A low style mother of pearl inlaid lacquered coffee table that Chins is passing off a book stand. That lays low and crouched on the back wall by the back door where May sits, just waiting to attack.   

Which not only do I think it's a fire hazard on some level, it's also just plain tacky. But of course, none of this knowledge will ever stop a committed Sinophile like Chins. Because of the sentimental value of a cultural bookcase from the Pier One of her people, clearly outweighs the importance of her one blind student's mental map of the classroom. Just the sight of the offending table through the window and I want to smash that table apart and leave it in pieces on Chins good fortune rug.   

The dark voices in my head are screaming at me, to grab Chins by the back of her chignon bun and slam her head into the corner of her Pier One faux celestial writing desk. Then ram the lacquered chignon hair chopsticks into her eyes until her skull makes squishy sounds and she runs out of screams. At a minimum leave her a threatening note, where it will not be missed in the piles of papers on her fake teak China Trader foldout desk. Like maybe stabbed into the drawer crack of the apothecary, with her plastic replica Ming dynasty jade letter opener?