Black Rose (Draco Malfoy)

Confessions

Chapter 53: Confessions

Snape first took Draco to his office to give him a potion, and then he escorted him to the hospital wing. Madame Pomfrey was not happy that I was there, but Snape convinced her to let me stay in the room. There were no other patients, so I stood on the other side of the room, watching, as the nurse tended to Draco.

It took about a half hour for her to finish her work, though it felt like hours to me. Just when Pomfrey told me it was alright to talk to him, the door opened and Snape entered. He stepped forward and spoke to Pomfrey. The nurse nodded before walking away.

I walked over to Draco's bed as Snape began to drag dividers over to him. Draco's eyes were closed; I could not tell if he was asleep or just resting. I stood at the head of his bed on his right side. A minute later, Snape had dividers all along the bed. Then he took out his wand and muttered incantations. I watched him with only slight interest; he was not my main concern.

"You may talk freely," Snape said. "No one will hear."

I nodded, though I could not fully comprehend what he was saying. I looked down at Draco, and my emotions resurfaced. I took his hand in both of mine and held onto it gently.

At my touch, Draco's eyes flickered open. His gaze was much more peaceful than I had seen in a long time. "Crystal..." he croaked.

The sound of his voice overwhelmed me. I could not contain myself any long; tears that had been months coming finally spilled out. Pain hit my chest, and I choked on a sob. I needed to release the emotions I had been carrying for far too long.

"Why are you crying?" Draco asked, his voice still low and hoarse.

I did not wipe my eyes because that would have involved letting go of him, so I stared at him through blurred eyes. "You're – you're asking me why?" how could he ask such a ridiculous question? New tears spilled down my cheeks.

Draco frowned. "I'll be fine."

I shook my head. "No, it's not just that. This was just the tipping point. It's everything." I sucked in a sharp breath. I had to tell him now. This could be the only chance I ever got to explain how I had been feeling for the past year. It may not have any effect on him, but at least I would get it off my chest. There were things I had to say if I was ever going to move on with my life. I managed to stop the tears long enough to speak again. "Do you have any idea what it's been like for me this year? Do you know what you did to me?"

"I didn't want to hurt you."

"What did you think was going to happen? Did you think I could just pick up my old life and act like nothing had ever happened?" I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. The pain in my chest was growing ever stronger; it was strong and sharp rather than dull and numbing like I had gotten used to. "Every day has been a struggle. Sometimes, I don't know how I make it through. I've tried everything, but I can only numb the pain for awhile. Sometimes I am almost happy... Is this what you wanted?"

Draco looked partly shocked and partly pained. "I thought you would move on," he mumbled.

I could see he still did not understand; I would have to spell it out for him. "The thing is, I could have gotten over you if this had been a normal breakup. I'm better and happier when I'm with you, but I don't need you. This pain isn't for myself – it's for you." Tears filled my eyes. "Every time I think I'm fine, something happens to make me worry about you. It kills me to know that you're going through something terrible and I can't do anything to help. I'm sorry, but I can't help it. I love you, and it's not something I can just turn off."