Into the Night

Chapter 25 - Tris POV

Thursday, December 11th

Everything is a blur now. It passes slowly, and fast, and sometimes backwards. Christina found me on the Dauntless floor, mumbling and staring into nothing. I couldn't will myself to move. Everything was numb, and still is. I haven't eaten much of anything since then.

Christina and Marlene managed to pick me up and take me discretely to the side entrance of backstage. They laid me out on the floor trying to get me to respond, but I couldn't form words. I couldn't form a single thought except for the one still running through my head. Why was Four there on Tuesday when I told him to come on Saturday? Which was followed later by: Why did he have to see me enjoy myself? Why did I enjoy myself?

I had a plan. I would have been prepared. Christina managed to figure out what had happened the next day after I woke up screaming from the light sleep I already had. She asked me slow, simple questions while making me drink water, and trying for force crackers down my throat. I ended up throwing the whole thing up shortly after.

I told her that Four was supposed to come on Saturday. While he would be distracted by the other dancers, I would slip a note onto the table he chose. Telling him to look for the dancer named Raven. But I crossed that idea off when I realized what a shock that might be, so I revised it. Then I thought I would just go up to him in person on the floor but ruled that out and changed strategy as soon as the black coats surrounded us earlier that day. I went back to the leaving a note idea, that would tell him to meet me in the Dauntless parking lot at 3:30 Sunday morning after my shift. I would have taken off Raven's personality by then. He wouldn't have to see me dance, at least knowingly. He would get to hear me explain it while I'm still me. We would get into his car, and he would listen to me. He would probably get mad at me, but he would be able to hear me out.

Now, everything is different. Everything feels gray. No ups or downs, no black and whites. It just, is.

Christina gave the short version to the girls at the Pit the next day, yesterday, while I moved like the dead. Emotionless, stone walling everyone. Even Edward who came in for five minutes to see who the new girl was. Normally I would be on edge and seconds away from smashing a glass onto his head. But I did nothing. He got angry at my lack of reaction, and pushed me into the register. Everyone looked up, and Matthew yelled for him to get out. One of the black coats got up as well, making sure he left. Everyone asked if I was okay. I nodded my head, a bruise forming on my back from hitting the corner of the old machine. I didn't cry, I didn't frown, I didn't complain.

I even asked Christina if we could stop somewhere on our way home last night after work. She said yes without questioning me, but she looked concerned. She let me drive. It's been so long since I've driven. Driving itself makes me anxious, only because I think about my parents and that this was the last thing they ever did.

I drove Christina's car up to the frozen over lookout. I walked down the pathway to the Chasm. Just hoping he was there. He wasn't. It looked untouched since the last time we were here. I looked down at the water, just considering the possibility, before turning back and allowing Christina to drive me home. No doubt she told everyone where we went.

I know they're worried. I don't care anymore.

For the last two nights, rather than sleep, I've just stared at my phone. Waiting for an email, a text, a call. Anything. I've debated using one of my wishes. He'd have to listen. Unless this voids our agreement. I need to explain. But he needs to cool down. He needs to reach out to me. But I don't want to wait. The longer I wait, the more numb and carved out I feel.

This is why I never should have fallen for someone. It was all a mistake.

Myra drops a platter of empty plates, sending them scattering across the floor. A few of them break and crack. Everyone looks down at her. Marlene and Christina help her pick them up. David looks annoyed.