alive ↠ l.p (complete)

Chapter 10

*DREAM*

I was running through the streets of what looked to be a bad neighborhood, adrenaline coursing through my veins. I had to find her. Why was I here in the first place? I felt around in my pockets and there it was, the small baggie, filled with the snow white powder I'd been yearning for. I looked at the bag and thought about how I'd let everone down. They'd look at me differently now, as someone who could never better himself, as a worthless piece of shit.

"Liam, help!" I heard a yelp coming from somewhere in front of me. Delilah. I ran, ran as fast as I could to get to her. I found her in an alley, surrounded by a big group of guys. I ran towards her, yelling at the men around her, telling them they could have all my money, all my drugs, I begged them not to hurt her but it was like they couldn't hear me. 

They beat her to the point of unconciousness, until she was bloodied and I was sure that she was dead. Her body was carried into a van. I felt like a ghost watching this unfold because I could do nothing to stop it. Why were they doing this, what had she ever done to them. This is my fault, I should have never spoken to her, made her laugh. I knew they'd get to her, and I'd let that happen.

These drugs, they're fucking ruining everything around me. They're taking everyone I love, all of the people close to me. First, these guys came after my parents, then the boys, and now my precious Del. I'd watched the people who birthed me die, watched my two best friends be stabbed to death. I'd watched all this happen, and now I'm watching it happen to her.

God dammit, why can't I move? This is how it always goes, I can never help anyone, I can only hurt them. I don't want to watch anyone else die, the flashbacks are enough. Seeing tears stream down my mothers face as she was violated by these men, hear my father scream as they beat him. Watching all of the guys being happy, drinking together one second, and the next all four of them were being violently brought to their deathbed, all because I'm a piece of shit who can't seem to know when to stop.

The van came to a halt, and next thing I know I'm in a small house in yet another bad neighborhood watching Delilah be chained down. She was coming to, confusion first taking over her beautiful face, then horror. Pure horror. She screamed for me, awaiting help that would never come. She cried, saying I let her down, saying that she knew she shouldn't have loved me. 

The men smacked her around, telling her that obviously I had let her down, that I'm an unreliable piece of shit. They told her she was the last one they had to kill, the last person that I gave a damn about, so she had to go. I screamed for them to take me, to kill me slowly just so she wouldn't die, just like I had done for the others. As usual, my valiant effort never worked.

They violated her, stole her innocence from her. They kept going, torturing her. I could see the tears streaming down her perfect face, mixing with the blood. It was horryfying, so awful. After them taking turns sexually harassing her, the leader chuckled and slit her throat.

*DREAM END*

I woke up in a cold sweat, my breaths short and ragged. I looked around the room and realized I was in the apartment. I got out of bed and went into my bathroom. I looked inthe mirror and saw the reflection of a terrified child, I looked like I had just seen a ghost.

The nightmares, they never go away. They get worse, but never do they subside. I've watched everyone around me die in the most cruel, punishing ways. This was my first dream about Delilah, probably because I had just let her in. Anyone that I have let my guard down around is in my terrors. It's awful to see the only people you genuinely care for be picked off one by one.

I walked into the kitchen and the boys were already sat eating breakfast. "You sleep okay?" Zayn asked, a small frown on his face. "I never sleep well anymore, the nightmares are getting worse." "What exactly have you seen in these nightmares?" "Death. All of you guys have died, more times that I can count. I know a line would fix this, but I refuse to do that, that's why they haunt me in the first place. I don't think any dosage on medication is going to make these go away. It's terrible, to see all this shit in my dreams, it makes me sick."

After I ate something considerably breakfasty, I called Delilah. I know it was just another nightmare, but I had to make sure she was okay. "Hello?" "Hey Del, it's Liam. You- uh, you okay?" "Yeah, I'm fine, you?" "Just a little on edge today, I don't know if I'll be in class.""Alright, I'll get your assignment for you then." "Thanks, I'll see you tomorrow then, yeah?" "Sounds good to me, bye Liam." "Later Del."

I decided to skip out on classes, and I had Zayn tell bossman I wouldn't be at work. He had an idea of what was going on, but he didn't fully grasp the fact that I'm going crazy. I need to be put in a straight jacket and locked away somewhere were this can all stop, but I don't want that. I feel like the guys are close to doing that though, every day the worry is more evident in their face, and I don't want to make them feel obligated to care for me.

When Zayn went off to work and Niall had left to do whatever it is that he does in his spare time, I laid in bed with a notebook and wrote some rather dark words. I really am beginning to hate myself, and each day the self loathe becomes more and more. I feet like I have a huge weight on my chest that I can't lift, like the darkness is pulling me under, and I kind of want it to. I feel suicidal, like my life has no meaning, like I as a person have no purpose. 

This notebook was about a quarter full, all of its contents dark and depressing. "I need help." I said to myself, looking down at the words. "I really, desperately need help." I've thought about how to do it, which was would be the most painless. But then I think, "What about the boys, my parents? If I did this they'd be broken." and I put those thoughts to rest.