alive ↠ l.p (complete)

Chapter 15

TRIGGER WARNING

Liam's POV-

I've been on my meds for a couple months now and they seem to be working. I still write in that notebook sometimes, only when I feel depressed. The sleeping pills have been having weird side effects, so the doctor is looking into it. I'm on my way to see Amy now, I have to go and share my feelings three times a week, which isn't so bad. 

When I get to her, I hand her the notebook because she wants to see how the meds have helped me. The weather has shifted and the leaves are falling, so I've been wearing sweatshirts, but at the same time I've been hiding something from everyone. I've been self harming to release some of the bad feelings I have when my meds aren't working, and when I go days without taking them. 

Amy's POV-

I began reading the entries and found one that caught my eye. I mean, they were all terribly saddening to read, but this one stuck me as a red flag.

9/6

I've been having a lot of trouble taking my medicine lately. I don't want to take it, I'm sick of it. I hate having to take pills twice a day, it confirms the fact that I'm a fucking whack job. I've developed quite a hazardous habit, but I can't say what it is since the therapist reads these. I feel like killing myself so often, which really pisses me off because I don't want to feel so miserable, I don't want to die. It's weird, I really think I'm developing some type of double personality disorder. I also think it may be a side effect, because when I take my sleeping pills I end up doing a lot of shit that I don't remember. I'm starting to get a bit freaked out, but to be fair, medications do have really weird side effects. This is fucking awful though, like sometimes Zayn tells me that I turn the sound system up really loud around four or five in the morning and that he's surprised we haven't gotten the police called for disturbances. Another time Del told me I called her really late at night and tried to have phone sex with her. This stuff is driving me nuts, I guess I'll have to talk to the doctor about it.

When I looked up from the paper, Liam was laying on the couch, staring at the ceiling. "Liam, what is this 'hazardous habit' you've picked up?" I asked, and he snapped out of his daze. "Oh-uh-it's not that serious. I just have this really strong pleasure to burn stuff. I'm afraid I'm going to burn our apartment block down sometimes." He stuttered, twiddling his thumbs. "Are you sure it's not something worse? I am your therapist and I need to know how serious your actions are." "No, it's not worse. I'm not burning myself if that's what you're getting at." He said, and stood from the couch. "Where are you going, our session isn't over." "I'm leaving, I have somewhere important to be." He said, and walked out of my office.

Liam's POV-

I bolted to my car, trying to escape the suffocating feeling inside of me. God dammit, why did I even bring it up in one of those entries? I can't afford for anyone to find out about this. The boys would be worried sick, and god only know how Del would react. I got into my car and looked around for anything sharp, I needed to push the voices out of my mind. The thought of something tearing through my flesh and making me bleed was the only thing I could see. I looked in the glovebox and found a small pocket knife. I opened it and admired the shiny silver blade. The voices in my were taunting me, telling me I couldn't do it, that I was a wuss. 

I pulled up my sleeve and let the blade glide across my wrist, and the sting felt so good, the sight of blood dripping from my wrist filling me with this twisted pleasure. I sliced a few more straight lines onto my wrist until I came out of the trance harming myself put me in, and when I snapped out of it I was horrified and disgusted at what I saw. Blood was dripping onto my jeans, all over the seats of my car. I found some napkins in the console and cleaned myself up, then sped out of the hospital parking lot.