alive ↠ l.p (complete)

Chapter 12

Liam's POV-

Thursday afternoon I had both of my appointments scheduled, both in different wings of the hospital. Yeah, when I called they told me that I'd have to go to the hospital because my symptoms were severe and borderline schizophrenic. That terrifies me, because what if I really and crazy and they lock me into an asylum? Fuck, I don't want to be ripped away from everyone. I woke up that morning and the nervousness settled in the pit of my stomach. I felt like I was going to get bad news and they were going to put me on all sorts of medication. 

"You ready for today?" Niall asked. "No, I'm scared as hell. I feel like they're gonna tell me that I'm some sort of psycho addict and that's unsettling. For god's sake, they told me I'm borderline schizophrenic, which mean I'm fucking deluded." "You'll get through this Liam, addiction does this kinda shit to people. We'll do whatever we can to keep you out of the loony bin." "Thanks for the reassurance dude, it helps."

My doctor's appointment is first since they want to have all these tests run before I even meet my therapist. They told me she's a really caring lady, which is good, I guess. Dammit, I want to crawl under a rock and never out. Addiction is scary, and breaking free from addiction is like having the weight of the world plus the most burning, searing pain inside of you. It's so awful, but I brought all this upon myself because I'm and idiot.

I remember the first time I snorted a line, my sophomore year of high school. I was at a party and someone had given me a baggie, I can't remember the dude's name now, but he gave me a baggie and I tried it. If I could go back now, I would have never left the house that night. The regret is still so deep, I hate myself so much for giving into peer pressure.

When I pulled up to the hospital and parked, I sat in my car for a little while, contemplating just skipping out. I held the steering wheel until my knuckles were white, fear enveloping me. My phone went off and I glanced over to see a text from Del:

Good luck in there, I'm rooting for you :)

I had told her about me finally manning up and scheduling the appointments  to get help, and she was really proud. She told me how strong I was, and even though I didn't believe her, it made me smile. She's been such a help to me lately, and I'm convinced she's the light that's suddenly been cast into my life. God, I sound like such a sap, I have got to stop that.

I finally got out of the car, taking the elevator to the reception desk, then meeting my doctor. "Hello, Mr. Payne, we're going to be drawing some blood samples, doing some brain scans, the lot." "Okay, and please, just call me Liam." "Alright Liam, come sit here so we can take a few vials of blood." I walked over to the seat, trying to relax as the nurses pinched me with needles, filling six cylindrical vials with my blood.

Soon after that, I was put on a stretcher and wheeled into a room with this huge full body machine. I had to be naked for this, so that was slightly awkward. They slid me into the machine, and took a few different kinds of scans on my brain. When it was all over, my doctor checked a few other vitals and told me my test results would take a couple days to get to me. 

"Well, you're still alive, time to meet your therapist." I thought as I walked towards the psychiatric wing, checking in with yet another receptionist before being led into a very comfy looking room with a couch. "You must be Liam? I'm Amy, your therapist." "Uh- Hi, I'm Liam." I said, shaking her outstretched hand.

"So Liam, why are you seeking help?" "Well, I'm,-uh, I'm battling addiction. I stopped recently, but now that I have I'm having night terrors and uh- I've contemplated self harm and suicide." "I heard you called and did this all yourself. Why did you decide it was time to get professional help?" "Well, I told my friends about my thoughts and it really scared me. I brought this notebook, I write in it during my dark times." I said, handing her the notebook. 

She looked through it, then went to the notepad she had and wrote some things down. She handed my notebook back to me and spoke up, "This is normal, coming from someone in your position. You're afraid, of hurting the people around you, of them having to cope with your loss, yeah?" I nodded, running a hand through my hair. "I-I just don't want to keep hurting them. My friends have been here since the beginning, and I know my parents are disappointed in me, they just don't want to tell me. I'm so scared, that one night it'll all be too much and I'll end up killing myself, and then my best friends will find me and it'll crush them. I'm just so scared nowadays, so much different from who I used to be."

"And who exactly did you used to be?" "I partied, a lot. I'd buy my drugs at the parties and do them there, then hook up with any girl who wanted me. If someone handed me a cup, I'd drink whatever was in it. I've taken so many bad drugs, deprived so many innocent girls of their virginity, something they should hold with pride. I've ruined so many people, tarnished their reputations. I wasn't like this until high school, all this shit didn't start happening until then. Now, I'm just a twenty year old guy trying to get back on track."

I'm already over this therapy session, and there's still another half hour. Amy is really young for someone who works in such a big hospital. She's really hot. I feel like she's all business by day, then at night she's on the prowl. I pushed my sexual thoughts to the back of my mind and listened her drone on about something involving me being insecure and taking it out on other people. I nodded along because I know she's right. No matter how much I don't want to admit it, the woman is right.

I confessed everything to her, I even told her about Luna and Delilah, about how they're the only girls I've ever had genuine feelings for. I threw in the fact that I'm not with Del because I'm not ready to completely immerse her in my fucked up life, because I'm scared that she's going to get hurt, along with most people who have been in my life.

As I drove home I let everything sink in. I'm getting help, from people I don't know and shouldn't trust. "Dammit Liam, your trust issues aren't helping." I cursed to myself. I'm getting test results and meds prescribed by the beginning of next week. Things are getting way too real, way too fast. 

I pulled into the apartment block and smiled when I saw Del's car parked in the spot next to mine. I walked up to the door and tried not to look miserable, which failed terribly. When I opened the door, everyone went from facing the TV to facing me. "Hey guys. Uh, so I get my test results back from the doctor by Monday, and I'm pretty sure the therapist thinks I'm a complete psycho, she spent half our session writing shit on that damned notepad of hers." I explained the situation before they could bombard me with questions.

"You made it through all that crap though, so that's good." Del said, getting up from the couch and hugging me. I still wasn't used to that, I really wasn't used to female affection of this sort. I chuckled to myself, I'm such a horny bastard. The guys finally moved their lazy asses of the couch to pat my on the back. "I'm glad you're getting help, you deserve to be healthy and happy." Lou said, resting his hand on my shoulder. "You are such a sap, I swear." I teased, punching his arm lightly. "We're just happy for you bro." Harry said, ruffling my hair. "I know, I know."

Harry and Louis were such saps, but who could blame them? They were flirtatious little shits too, every time they'd get drunk it's be a game of 'Let's see which one of them makes a pass at someone first?' They're good guys though, I'm glad me and Zayn met them at the tattoo parlor that day. 

I sat around my friends for the rest of the day, in good spirits, genuinely, for the first time in far too long. I feel good, like maybe my life will finally turn around for the better. Here's to me, mending my fucked up life and hopefully being able to move on to a kick ass present and future.