Fix me

Chapter 58

Chapter 58

That night, I hugged her closer to me.

"Zach," she whispered. It was barely audible because her voice was so weak.

"Yes?"

"I love you."

"I love you too," I answered before kissing her forehead.

-*-*-*-

I woke up with the sound of my phone ringing. I didn't want to pick up and just leave it ringing but then Alex is asleep beside me. Groaning a bit, I took my phone and answered.

"What?" I snapped.

I heard my sister sigh. "I'm sorry, Zach. I wasn't able to sleep that well last night. I am worried about you."

"Why are you worried at me?" I asked as I stood up.

I planted a kiss on Alex's forehead before walking out of the room using the terrace.

"I heard what happened yesterday and I was worried about you."

I was annoyed. I rolled my eyes even though she cant see me. "I'm alright, Ali."

"Don't shut us down, Zach."

"Im not shutting you down. I have to go."

I hung up without her saying goodbye. I know I was a jerk but I'm angry and annoyed.

Technically, I don't know how I am annoyed with. There's no one to blame. Its the balance of life. People come and go. Death is everywhere.

But still... I'm alive. I was cured.

Why can't Alex be cured?

I know I said goodbye to her yesterday and I said that she doesn't need to hang on anymore but I can't help but feel hurt and mad. She's the girl that was in my future whenever I close my eyes. Even when we broke up, I always dreamed that one day she'll forgive me. Maybe we wont get back together but we'll still be friends.

I sighed and just cleared my thoughts as I made breakfast for myself and Alex.

"Hey, mate."

I looked up from what I was doing and saw Chase. He looked tired and sleep deprived.

"Didn't get any sleep?" I asked.

He nodded his head and sighed. "It's painful."

No surprise there. I'm sure Chase is hurt.

"It's unfair," he said.

I wasn't able to reply because he walked out of the room.

When the soup was done, I sipped in my cup of tea and brought the food upstairs.

Alex was still asleep with her back turned against me.

I placed the tray of food on the table like I usually do and sat on the bed. I don't usually wake up Alex, but today I felt like I have too.

When my hands touched her skin I was alarmed by her temperature, she was cold.

"Alex?" I said with my heart beating so hard. It was beating so fast that I could actually hear it in my ears.

I turned her body a bit so that her back was on the bed. She was pale. She had her eyes closed.

"Alex."

Tears pricked my eyes.

Please no.

I placed my fingers on her wrist, checking her pulse. I couldn't find it.

"Damn it," I muttered still trying to find her pulse.

But then I found it. It was so weak.

"I don't want to be revived," I remember her saying.

"I'll-" she murmured with her eyes a bit open and her voice so weak, "be okay."

I took her into my arms. Tears was in my eyes but it didn't fall.

"Shh," she whispered, "I..love..you."

I nodded my head and kissed her lips. It was the last time I would be able to kiss her lips. The last time I would be able to touch and feel her.

I placed my head into her chest and just listened to her heart beat so slowly.

"I love you. I love you. I love you," I kept on saying on and on.

She wasn't making any sound.

I was aware that someone is in with me but I didn't dare to look up. I just looked at Alex and just kept on saying 'I love you'.

I know I always use that line but it feels like I haven't said it enough.

I have to let her go.

No more hospitals.

No more pain.

She'll be happy.

Will I be happy?

Yes, I can be happy again.

I think.

I just held into her even though I can't hear anything anymore. I can't hear her heart beating.

"Zach, she's gone."

-*-*-*-

Alex's not here anymore. They took her now. Preparing her for her funeral.

"Is the dress there?" I asked.

Everybody was seated in the living room except for Adrian and Jake. They didn't want me to come because the said that I should calm down first.

I'm calm.

I haven't even broken down.

"Yes," Lin answered.

"And her-"

"Everything's there. Calm down, Zach," Chase interrupted.

"I am calm!" I snapped.

I walked out of the house. I didn't stop walking until I got tired. I sat on the wet sand and just stared at the ocean like I usually do.

I'm not throwing a fit. I'm not bawling my eyes out. Why do they keep on telling me to calm the fuck down?

Well, now I'm angry.

But only inside.

"Zach?"

I didn't have to look to know that it was my sister.

"May I sit with you?" she asked.

I nodded my head.

I had my eyes narrowed. I don't know if it's to frown or to stop me from crying.

She sat down beside me and placed her head on my shoulder.

"I'm sorry."

"Everyone is. I hate sympathy," I said.

"I know. We're all hurt, Zach. We love Alex," she said.

I nodded my head.

Who can not love her?

"I'm sure she's better now," she said.

"She is, but it's painful. I can't think straight right now."

I stood up and looked at Ali. "I'll be fine. I just need to be alone."

She sighed and nodded her head.

-*-*-*-

I stayed in the room all day just lying on the bed. I wasn't sleeping. I was just staring at the empty space. I took out the polaroid picture of Alex and I and placed it on the my chest as I stared at the ceiling.

I feel so numb.

No pain.

Just nothing.

"Zach," I heard Lin from the door. "It's already morning."

Is it?

I looked out of the window and saw the sun shining. A day has passed.

"She'd be happy to see you there," she said.

I nodded my head. "Not yet."

She sighed and closed the door again.

-*-*-*-

"Okay that's it!"

My eyes snapped open and saw Chase with a mean look on his face.

"Enough of this! You are getting up from this bed! Take a fucking bath and coming with me!"

He yanked me up and pushed me out of bed.

"What the fuck, Chase," I hissed.

He punched me.

Damn that hurts.

"Stop this bullshit! Cry your mother fucking eyes out! Release the pain. Stop pushing away and blocking out your feelings. You told her you'll be fine and let her go. Let her go! Accept the fucking reality!" he screamed.

That's when I broke down. Maybe that's what I needed, someone to punch me with reality. I felt my knees unbuckle and felt myself fall sitting position on my bed. I felt Chase sit beside me and wrap his arms around me. I didn't even hesitate to hug him back.

"It'll be fine," he said.

"No it won't be fine! She's dead!" I screamed

I pulled away. I stood up and punched the wall. Pain shoot through my fist but I ignored it.

He took me by the shoulder, making me face him. "You promised her. Now, don't break that promise."

I nodded through my tears. He's right. I did promise.

"Now take a bath. We'll go to the funeral."

Just hearing the word hurts me. She is dead. I have to accept it.

"Thank you, mate. I don't know what will happen to me without you," I said.

He chuckled and then pushed me to the bathroom.

-*-*-*-

I felt like a baby. When I was taking a bath I just kept on crying. My fist was throbbing in pain but the throbbing in my heart was more painful.

"Even Superman cries," she said.

Leave it to Alex to say something like that.

-*-*-*-

Blue roses.

Blue roses was everywhere. It was beautiful. There were a lot of people. I can see some people crying but there were smiles.

Surprisingly Jake was smiling too.

"It looks beautiful," I said to Lin.

She looked around. "She said she wanted blue roses."

"Thank you for organizing this, Lin," I said.

She just smiled and the hugged me. "She's better now, right?"

"Yeah she is. And she'd hate to see us cry."

She laughed and the pulled away. There were tears in her eyes that she wiped them away.

"I'll see you later," she said before waling away.

I walked towards the coffin.

I haven't looked at it and I was here for hours now.

She was there. So beautiful.

She was wearing the white dress she wore that day at the beach when we vowed together. Her hands were placed on her stomach. Her charm bracelet was neatly placed on her wrist. But then something is missing.

"Lin?" I said looking around.

Fortunately, she was near. She walked towards me with an eyebrow raised.

"Where's her ring?" I asked.

Lin smiled and the took something from her pocket.

"I forgot to give it to you. She asked me to give it to you. Just a simple reminder of your promise," she said handing me the gold ring.

I felt a tear slip out my eye as I took the ring.

"She said that the promise is forever and you better not fuck it up," she added.

I laughed at that.

-*-*-*-

I held the ring between my hands as I sit on one of the benches. It was almost midnight and there were only few people.

Adrian saw me and sat beside me.

"I thought you'd pull that a walk to remember bit," he said.

I half laughed and snorted. "She would say no. That's Alex. She thinks it's not right for some to get married when the other one is dying."

"Ah, my daughter. I don't even know where she gets does things."

"True that."

He laughed then sighed. "I thought I had a lot of time to make it up to her."

"I also thought so too."

"I let her down again. When she got sick I was afraid to be a dad again. I was afraid to loose someone I love," he said.

"She'll always forgive you. She forgave me a shitload of times," I said.

He laughed. "Stupid girl."

"I would agree but that would hurt my ego."

He patted my shoulder like what a dad would do. "But, Zach, thank you. For making my daughter so happy."

I smiled and nodded my head. "She made me happy too."

"And for also putting her back into one piece, twice," he added before standing up and walking away.

"You also glued me into one piece, Alex," I muttered.

-*-*-*-

I dropped the blue rose on her coffin as it went down the hole.

6 feet under the ground.

I remember how much she wanted to be 6 feet under the stars.

Star and ground....absolutely different.

When it was all done I walked away without talking to anyone.

I wont see her now for real.

She's buried.

But she's not gone.

She'll forever be in my heart.

With a sigh, I sat down on the grass and looked at the view. I can see a great part of grass and a great part of the city. It was beautiful.

"Hey, Lex. You'd love to see this," I smiled.

"Yeah, she'd love to see this."

I felt my skin jump but I didn't show my physical surprise. Only in the inside. I turned my back and saw Jake.

"I'll give you this, that's a bit scary," I said as he sat down beside me.

He laughed and then passed me a bottle.

"Whiskey," he informed.

I took the bottle and took a sip.

"People say that when your drunk the pain is forgotten. I don't really know if it's possible since I lost my other half. She's my sister. Twin sister. She's been with me all the fucking time. And that was since I was a baby. Now, the thought of not seeing her at all is just so painful."

"She loves you, Jake," I said.

"I know. But I feel bad for not being here when all of this happened. I've been a stupid jerk to actually listen to her. Of course she'd want me here even though she told me not to stay and go on tour," he grumbled.

"But that's Alex. She wants us to continue life and achieve our dreams. Right now, I can see that you're achieving your's."

He chuckled with nod.

"We can be happy," I muttered.

"Yeah we can. All I could think right now is her just sitting somewhere near us and smiling."

"We should watch our actions then," I joked.

He laughed. "She'd be coming back from the dead if we fuck up."

That made me sigh. "Then, I should fuck up things."

His laugh died down and he looked at me.

"But then she'll just be upset like hell and not coming back, so no," I added.

"Are you okay? Not like..."

I rolled my eyes. "I'm not suicidal."

"Okay. I'm sorry, it's just that they told me before-"

"I wont do anything stupid," I cut him off. "I can't break something she fixed."

"Well, that's nice to hear," he said but it was obvious that he wasn't believing me.

"Believe me. I wont break this. I can't break something she fixed. Alex was able to fix me."

-*-*-*-

NOT YET DONE!

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