Backwards // Book One

Chapter 5.

All of the windows of the house are open, allowing fresh air to be whipped around within. The sky is still cool and grey, full of freezing cold rain. A few neighbors stroll the streets outside, umbrellas high above their heads. The concrete has a thin layer of wet water spread across it, making it a little tricky to walk outside without slipping.

I sip on a warm cup of coffee, the heat from the beverage warming my hands. I lean out the window watching the world carry on below. The neighborhood we've moved to is very family friendly and bustling with activity. Children play in their garden next door, adorned with small trenchcoats and beanies. They laugh feverishly while playing tag. I smile to myself, imagining having a small child of my own.

My mind floats back to the conversation that I had with Harry only a few days ago. We had talked about having children together. I loved the idea of welcoming a child into our family. I've always been the motherly type, getting excited around every baby that I came in contact with. It's safe to say that now that Harry and I are married, I may have baby fever.

I'm pretty sure that Harry has baby fever too. Actually, Harry's probably had baby fever since the day he was born. He's amazing with children. When he's around Lux he opens up and becomes the child that's buried deep within his soul. He'll laugh and chase her every which way, eventually catching her and lifting her high above his head. She'll squeal and blabber a whole lot of baby words. Harry tries to decipher them but he's yet to be correct.

"Okay babe, I'm ready to go..." Harry says across the room, holding a small bag in his hand.

"Already?" I ask, making a pouty face.

"Yeah, I'm sorry. I'll be back in a few days though..." He says, setting the bag down and walking over to me.

"Okay. I love you so much..." I say, pulling his body quickly to mine.

His large hands wrap around my waist and hold me close to him. I can feel his heart beating in his chest and the heaviness of his chest rising and falling. His scent fills me, making me want him more than I already do. Harry has a habit of buying the most intoxicating colognes. I run my hands up his back and step away from him, kissing him lightly on the cheek as I move away.

"That's all I get?" He asks, shrugging his shoulders.

"We could do a little more..." I whisper seductively, leaning my body into his.

"You know that I would love to but I can't. My flight leaves in three hours and I can't be late..." He whines, pouting out his lips and leaning his head into my shoulder.

I run my hands through his soft curly hair and kiss the top of his head. His hair also smells amazing. I breathe into his hair and hug onto him. I don't want him to leave. I hate when he's so far away from me. It's like I'm missing a limb or something.

"I love you..." He whispers, kissing my collarbone lightly.

"I love you more..." I whisper back, smiling to myself.

"Impossible." He laughs, moving his head up and returning to his regular stance.

"Maybe..." I shrug, waving him off.

"Okay. I love you!" He says, picking up his bag and planting one last kiss on my lips.

"I love you too! Travel safe!" I shout as he opens the door and walks out, shutting it loudly behind him.

Later that night I'm left alone in the house, cooking and cleaning away. I feel like I'm in Martha Stewart. My mind is consumed with the thoughts of a baby. A baby is all that I can think about. It's like I can already picture what our child would look like.

I smile as I imagine a precious little girl dressed in a light pink romper with a pink beanie to match. She looks up at me with pure green eyes full of wonder and a drooly toothless grin. Soft brown curls peek out beneath the hat adorning her head and she clutches on to me with all of her might, her small fingers holding the power of my whole world.

I take a deep breath and try not to think about her again. As precious as she is, I know that I have a few more photoshoots to do before I can even think about having a baby. If I were to get pregnant before the shoots, I'll be in a world of hurt. My modeling agency would probably unsign me as soon as I finished making the announcement.

That's the bad thing with modeling. You don't really own your body. You have to stay a certain weight at all times, you can't get tattoos and you have to tell your management if you're planning on having a baby. That way they can clear your schedule and basically make it to where you're not a model again until the child is born. To be fair, who wants to see a pregnant model strutting down a runway in lingerie? Not many people.

As I shake the thought of any babies, my phone vibrates in the back of my pocket. I reach deep into my cell phone and check to see who it is. It's Harry. I quickly wipe my slimy hands off with a dishtowel and shuffle to answer the phone. Harry is probably just calling to tell me that he's landed safely and is currently sitting bored in his hotel. That's what he always does. It's just the drill while traveling.

"Hey!" I shout, smiling into the phone.

There's only background noise. I can hear the faint sound of loud music playing and an array of laughter and voices. There's a lot going on wherever it is.

"Harry?" I ask, covering my ear with my hand, hoping to hear a bit better.

There's still only background noise. Definitely not the noise of a hotel. It sounds more like a very loud restaurant or even a club. Harry doesn't do clubs anymore though. He hasn't in awhile. He knows that I don't really like clubs because everyone in clubs is either there to get drunk or hook up with someone. I'm not really into either one of those things.

"Harry?" I ask again, sighing deeply.

I can hear a few voices grow louder, one of them sounding like Harry's voice. The other voices are the voices of multiple girls. They're laughing and attempting to be heard over the booming music. The music is so loud that I can actually hear the vibration of it. I can't even imagine how loud the music actually is there in the building.

"Aren't you married!?" I hear a girl shout, her voice drawn out and slurred.

I can't hear the response that she receives from whoever she's talking to. I can still only hear the background noise and the booming music. My heart quickens at the thought of Harry being in a club. Why would Harry need to go to a club anyways? If he wanted to get drunk he could just go to a bar and of course if he wanted to hook up, well, I'm his wife. Harry doesn't even like dancing so that's not even a thought.

"Harry!?" I shout into the phone.

I'm growing angrier by the second. Harry always calls me as soon as he's safe and sound in his hotel room. That's just the drill that we've always had. It's the same when I'm off traveling somewhere for my photoshoots. As soon as I step foot off the plane and know that I'm safe, I'll either call him or text him. It's never changed.

The background noise eventually cuts out, leaving only silence on the other side of the phone. The call has been disconnected. I take a deep breath and stare down at the screen of my phone. A photo of Harry and I standing in front of the Eiffel Tower stares back at me. That's where he proposed to me. We're both wearing huge smiles but the most obvious thing in the photo is the huge ring on my left hand.

I consider calling Harry back. Maybe it was just some kind of misunderstand. Maybe his phone was stolen. Maybe he was just in a really loud restaurant. Maybe he was actually in the hotel and it's just really loud. I try to create a handful of excuses, anything besides the club. I don't want to even think about the possibility of him being in a club.

I can imagine the club girls fawning over Harry. Club girls are girls who hang around clubs, hoping and praying that they'll find someone willing to buy them a few drinks and take them home. Being in the modeling agency, you were familiar with club girls. They would wear the shortest dresses and the highest heels, begging for attention. I shake my head, not wanting to even think about the kinds of girls that hang around in clubs. The kind of girls that Harry would be around if he was in a club. I just wait. I wait for Harry to call me, letting me know that he's landed safely.

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