Backwards // Book One

Chapter 8.

I walk back and forth in front of the door, attempting to wait patiently for Harry to arrive back home. The last time we talked was last night, right before he boarded his flight home. He apologized over and over again and I tried to ignore every apology. I wasn't sure if I was ready to accept them yet.

Daniel has called about a dozen times and I haven't answered his call once. That's probably why his voice fills up my voicemail. He's begged me to forget about what happened. He explained in one voicemail that it was a mistake and he didn't mean to do it. I have to admit that it was comforting to hear him say that but a part of me didn't see it as a mistake. A part of me actually liked it.

The way that his hands traveled up my sides. The way that he pulled my body to his, holding it there tightly. The rush of electricity that I felt every time that he touched me. My body shivers just thinking about it. However, I shouldn't be thinking about it. I'm married to Harry. I love Harry.

Despite what Harry did, I want to stay with him. I may not be ready to forgive him, but I do want to try to understand things. Like Daniel said, I need to make a logical decision. My logical decision is that Harry made a mistake and he's made sure that he knows that. I can only imagine the guilt tearing him apart inside because I feel the same way about the kiss that I shared with Daniel, even though it was only a kiss and what Harry did was more serious.

I hear brakes squeal outside and the sound of our gate opening. I rush to the window and peer outside. Harry is home. I smile gently and push my loose blonde hair behind my ear. I'm awfully excited to see the person who just recently cheated on me.

Harry slowly exits from the car and grabs his bags from the trunk. He looks exhausted. His normally youthful skin is pale and blotchy. His brown curls are tucked underneath a grey beanie and his tattoos covered by his heavy black peacoat. He's not wearing his typical smirk and is instead sporting a frown. He looks very unhappy.

My heart breaks at the sight of him. As unhappy as I am with him right now, I hate to see him in such a sad state. He's not the same excited and quirky boy that I fell in love with two years ago. He's an exhausted emotional mess. I take a deep breath and open the door as he approaches it with his bags.

"Hey Charlie..." He whispers, stopping in the doorway.

"Harry..." I whisper, leading him inside so that I can shut the door behind him.

"The house looks nice." He says, looking around the entrance.

"It doesn't look any different than how you left it..." I explain, walking off towards the kitchen.

"So, I guess we should talk then yeah?" Harry asks, following behind me, planting his bags at the end of the staircase.

"I guess so." I shrug, pouring a cup of hot coffee.

"What are we going to do?" He asks, sitting on a stool at the counter.

"Well, I don't want to give in if that's what you mean..." I whisper, taking a hot swig of the bitter coffee.

"You mean you're actually going to stay?" He asks, a surprised look wiped across his face.

"Not yet." I mutter, looking into my mug carefully.

"Not yet?" He asks, confused.

"Harry, I want to know why you did it..." I explain, looking back at him.

His eyes grow dark and he sucks in a deep pocket of air. He must not have expected this question. He eyes me carefully, thinking of his answer. I watch him as he does this, trying thiink of what he might say in response.

"I really don't know why I did..." He murmurs, shrugging lightly.

"That's not good enough Harry..." I say, shaking my head as I set my coffee down.

"What else do you want me to say?" He asks, shrugging harder this time.

"I want you to be honest..." I say, placing both of my hands against the counter, leaning into them.

"To be honest, I don't know why I did it!" He shouts, jumping up from his stool.

"That's not good enough!" I shriek, my voice straining with the strength.

"I'm never good enough am I Charlie!?" Harry shouts back, spinning around voilently.

"What are you talking about?" I ask, leaning back.

"I'm never good enough for you! That's what I'm talking about! I never have time to myself anymore! I always have to be worried about what Charlie's doing or what Charlie needs! I'm always fawning after you like you're a child!" He shouts, his once pale face now a steaming red.

"Is that really how you feel?" I ask, hot tears streaming down my own red face.

"You wanted me to be honest..." He whispers, shrugging again.

"Fine." I say, grabbing my purse off the counter and running towards the front door.

"Yeah, run away Charlie!" Harry shouts behind me.

I jump into my BMW and start it immediately. I need to get out of here. I don't want to fight with Harry, even if he sees it as running away. I don't even know where all of that came from. Why would Harry not be good enough? Why would he be worried about me? Although, worrying about the person you love is completely normal.

Anger builds up inside me as I think back to all of his words. Saying that he fawns after me like I'm a child, that's not true! I've been to plenty of places around the world without having him fawn after me. I'm a big girl and able of taking care of myself. Of course, I love being with Harry and having him with me is always something that I want but it's not a neccesity. We lead different lives.

I drive quickly, whipping across my neighborhood. London is cool and drizzly, rain slowly streaming down my windshield. The trees lining the streets sway back and forth, moving the shadows on the street with them. Children squeal and play in their yards, their faces red with cold. I can't believe that I was actually considering having a baby with Harry. He's a big baby himself.

I pull over and put my car into park. I look up the the flat that I'm sitting in front of. The lights are all on and the stairs leading up to the door have a thin layer of water across each of them. The grey bricks match the grey sky and suddenly the world feels darker. It must just be the new storm rolling in. I take in a deep breath and get out of the car. I grab my umbrella from the inside of the car door and open it above my head.

The rain changes from a slow downpour to a heavy downpour. I look down the street where the children were playing, there's no more children. They must have ran inside to escape the rain. That or their mother called them in so that she won't have to deal with sick children. I look back to the door of the flat and walks towards it.

I strut up the stairs, wiping my dirty boots off on the mat outside the door. I peer in the open window. I can't see anything besides a room full of modern furniture and modern art lining the walls. I close my eyes for a second, debating wheter or not I should be here. As I debate in my head, the door swings open in front of me.

"Oh!" I shout, jumping back quickly, almost slipping and falling.

"Charlie?" Daniel asks, leaning against his door frame.

"Daniel..." I whisper, standing back upright.

"What are you doing here?" He asks, looking me up and down.

"Um, I uh...was just..." I stutter, pointing back towards my car.

"Was in the neighborhood?" He finishes, nodding suspiciously.

"Yeah, what you said..." I nod, smiling nervously at him.

"Okay. Well then, come on in..." He smiles, inviting me in politely.

I know that I shouldn't be here. I know my own intentions. I want to make Harry mad. I want to hurt him like he's hurt me. You know when you're growing up and your parents tell you that two wrongs don't make a right? Yeah, well I'm not sure if I've learned that lesson yet.

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