The Perfect Sin (Camren)

Ch 1- Life or Death

I have become numb to most human emotions. That sinking feeling I used to get in the pit of my stomach when I lied to my mother doesn't appear anymore. I don't know if this is something that happens to everyone as they grow older or if I've simply grown to be too cynical. Don't get me wrong, for the most part, I am very aware of what is correct and what isn't. It's just that now I am also aware that there isn't always just a right and a wrong. A black or a white, sometimes there's grey, and I think that's what my family doesn't understand.

"It's simple" I hear my father say from atop the altar "There is no life in a homosexual relationship"

Wednesday nights are bible study classes and sometimes the floor is open to questions. The boy in the red flannel shirt and beanie in the third row, politely raised his hand to ask my father if he believes being gay is a sin.

"So it is not a matter of what I believe" he continues "It's about what the bible says, that's all that matters"

From the sidelines I closely watch the young boys expression as he quickly realizes where this is going, now that my father is addressing the general public.

"And the bible says that if a man lies with male as he lies with a woman they have both committed an abomination"

I scoff to myself, of course he would leave out the next line where it says they should both be killed. But that's the part of the bible no one speaks about, it makes people too uncomfortable.

"So that being said if we think about this logically God created man and woman and that is how we procreate." he said "That is how life is made, so if two men, or two women for that matter can't create life what are they creating?" he asks

He only waits a few seconds knowing that no one would actually answer his absurd question.

"Death" he finishes "If a relationship can't create life, it creates death. It is either one or the other, there is nothing else to it" he says with a smile on his face, not realizing that the boy who asked the question is almost in tears.

That specific way of thinking, is what I think, is the problem.

If it's not this, it's that.

Up or down, left or right.

Life or death.

Life or death.

Those were the choices, right? What about love? Why can't a relationship between a man and women or man and man just create love?

"Lauren" I hear my sister say besides me.

My head turns to face her and I see a sympathetic look in her eyes.

"Are you okay?" she asks softly.

She knows I think. I've never told her, but she knows.

"I'm fine" I lied

Taylor nodded softly and returned her attention to our father, granting me the courtesy of pretending to believe me.

My father for a split second glanced over in my direction before answering the next question. I can feel my mother's eyes on me from where she is sitting. As always, dad is up on the altar where there are two seats in the center towards the top, that is where mom and dad sit during worship. When it's time to preach dad takes his place center stage and mom remains seated behind him, always behind him, never in front of the man. That is a woman's place, or so I'm told.

Now, us kids don't sit up on the altar, we have three seats off to the side in the front. Our backs are to the wall so we can see everybody, and everybody can see us, but we are still separated from the crowd. It's as if we're silently letting everyone know we're different, and not particularly in a good way.