The Perfect Sin (Camren)

Ch 25.5-1 Timothy 6:1

Camila's POV

"Camila, you are so incredibly intelligent" I remember her saying

"Act like it!"

That was the day that the realization hit me, I had lost her.

See even though we were never really together, she was mine and I knew it. There was never a day during our time apart that went by, that I didn't know, I could go back and she would be there if I wanted her to be and I knew that wasn't fair.

But she was mine

And I loved that feeling

That was when I realized that I had pushed her too far and the day that I lost her was the day that I realized I was willing to do anything to get her back.

It's only been two days since it happened and I've been in a state of shock but now it was time to move.

Act like it, she told me. So I will

"Ms. Cabello" I heard "You've requested to meet with me?"

I nodded nervously as Pastor Lopez greets me politely

"Yes sir," I say "You're the pastor who's been counseling Lauren Jauregui, right?" 

She had mentioned to me a while back that he was a bisexual pastor, the idea seemed bizarre to me at the time but her may be exactly what I need 

He nods "I have" he informed hesitantly "Though, everything we talk about is confidential"

"Oh, I understand," I said immediately "I was just wondering if you could do the same for me"

In what felt like the blink of an eye we were sitting in his office as he asked

"What seems to be the problem?"

The question carried a lot more meaning than he realized. But because I knew he would ask this I had rehearsed my answer in the mirror about a million times this morning.

Saying things like

"I'm having trouble defining my sexuality" Or "I'm afraid my salvation is at risk" 

All of which, in my head, seemed like appropriate responses to say to a pastor. What I didn't find appropriate was what I actually said

I sighed, and the words "I think I'm gay" flew out of my mouth before I could catch them. 

He smiled and I took it as acceptance enough to continue because that was the first time I spoke those words aloud and it's been an entire 30 seconds without the world falling apart. 

"And I'm scared," I add "Because that's not normal, right? That's not what's supposed to happen and I don't want to cause my mom and my sister any unnecessary pain" I began to ramble "Plus we've always been taught that's it's sinful and I feel so bad" I said

"Like I literally feel sick to my stomach with the amount of guilt I feel because when I'm with her everything is incredible but when I'm not all I can think of is all the bad things that they warn us about in church happening to me all at once" I said "If you stray from God he won't support you, that's what they tell me and I don't wanna stray" I added "I just want to kiss her and not feel vile directly afterwards and if that's wrong then I want to know what I can do that will make me no longer want to kiss her" 

 My rant was followed by silence, Pastor Lopez was very visibly overwhelmed but it wasn't until he let out a breath that a sympathetic look took over his features. 

"We've got a long way to go" he sighed. 

The entire first session was spent me spewing out every fear that's been sitting in the pit of my stomach both religious and personal and bouncing back and forth between the two.  

Meaning I spent the entire time saying things like

"I'm scared of going to hell" followed by "The idea of never being able to kiss her again is frightening" 

Because if this is wrong why did God give me these feelings? Is this a test that I'm not passing? If it's not natural why did He even create us like this? Did He even do that or did we decide? I don't remember deciding to do this. In fact, I've tried time and time again to decide the opposite but it is simply not going away. 

I continue to rant, and he continues to listen, something that Dr. Hernandez didn't really allow me to do. Very often our discussions turned into bible studies which I don't mind but it's not what I was there for.

This doesn't mean I stopped visiting her after going to see Pastor Lopez. I began to go to both counseling sessions because I wanted both perspectives, which were worlds apart for two people who share the same religion.

He seemed to talk about a loving, welcoming God, who created everyone differently for a reason.

While she seemed to talk about a fierce powerful God who must not be disobeyed because you'd be damned if you did and I wonder how they could be the same creature?

I take it upon myself to also go online and research an atheists perspective and I hated myself for thinking that a lot of it made sense but a lot of it had holes.

But then again so did Christianity

So what is right?