Of Pain | COMPLETED

Chapter 5

I yawned heavily and sighed, rubbing the heel of my palm on the aching spot on my temple. I always find myself waking up to my screams and falling onto the floor. Mum would wake up and grab me in a hug, whispering that everything was alright. I hated waking her up in the middle of the morning.

Even if she tried convincing me that the threat and the fear and the pain were over, my mind couldn’t get to terms with that fact. I will still have that nagging feeling inside me and I will still have that fear, that uneasiness, that self-hate inside me. That won’t fade away at all. That won’t get off my chest.

It’s inside me.

Growing, brewing inside me.

I halted halfway of my walking and felt my whole body swaying. Shooting an arm out to steady myself, I waited for the nausea to stop threatening to push me over. Today was Wednesday; it’s been four days since I last slept, seven days since I ran away with Mum, five days since the threatening message from Dad.

What a week.

I don’t even know how long I can keep this ‘not sleeping’ routine up. Four days and I’m already popping pills and drinking coffee like my life depended on it. Which to be told the truth, in a way yes. I needed to eat anti-depression pills, calming pills or whatever the psychiatrist had given me.

It was ridiculous, I didn’t need it but she insisted that I take it. I may not know that I was depressed and that I hate myself once upon a time, she practically blackmailed me to take them. She didn’t even know the anti-hate pills she had given me made me high during practice.

Talking of practice, I was making my way towards the pitch slowly. I had poured coffee into my tumbler and I was chugging the content down, one is to make me feel awake and two, I needed it to make me feel better about myself. Mum and the psychiatrist-Emily told me it’d help one way or the other.

I was just following their orders because I loved coffee.

I couldn’t live without it.

My team thinks that I was crazy, a caffeine addict but they didn’t know about the other reason why I had coffee all the time. They didn’t need to know and worry about me though. Every time they see me chugging more coffee, they’d shake their heads at me and tease that I might get high due to the caffeine.

I’d just smile at them.

Yawning again, I got towards the field and made my way towards my team who were doing their conditioning. We always did the conditioning in the field since we can’t actually run in the pitch. The coach was barking orders and demanding them to do faster, swifter. I just rolled my eyes at him and made my way towards the sheltered benches where Marcus was seated.

I raised an eyebrow at him but didn’t question why he was seated there instead of sweating his ass off like his other team mates. I sat down heavily on the bench and leaned back, watching them with mild amusement. My ribs were still squeaking in pain and the bruise were now turning blue, which was a good sign. A few more days before I can be back on the dirt with the rest.

The team sent me a smile each, the girls grimacing under the hot sun but they kept quiet, giggling at something they were whispering about as they ran. I had a clue, they were whispering about the rugby boys that were practicing a few yards away from us. Even if we were technically enemies with the other, girls would be girls and boys would be boys.

I rest my head onto the back of the shelter and closed my eyes for a moment, wanting to rest but the flashing image of Dad’s fuming face loomed in my mind’s eye which made me flinch violently. I snapped my eyes open and jerked forward, resting my elbows onto my knees. Breathing so heavily, I grabbed my tumbler full of coffee and chugged it down swiftly.