Of Pain | COMPLETED

Chapter 8

I hated myself.

I think I still hate myself.

I don’t really know you know? One time I feel so damn good about myself; that I was the Captain of the softball team, that I had friends who loved me, that I had two bestfriends who cared so much about me. Next thing I know, I feel like I don’t deserve anyone. I feel like I am better off alone by myself.

I hated feeling like this. One time, I had so much fun with my friends. I was laughing more and smiling more, finally becoming a happier person but when I am alone by myself, I tend to brood. I tend to be moody. I felt empty. I felt devoid of any such emotions. It’s like whenever I was alone; I never knew what happiness is.

It’s because I had shoved all of my emotions deep inside my mind that nothing can bring them out. When I am with the others, all of my walls are up. My emotions are kept aside and only sarcasm or happiness was allowed. But when I am alone, all of my walls are down. My defences are down and I let my sadness overwhelm me.

There are two sides of me no one knows about.

The one that I hated.

I stared at myself in the bathroom. I was wearing a pair of sweatpants and a tank top. Underneath that black tank top, there are many hideous scars that I let no one see even Mum. Every scar, every wound that Dad had inflicted on me was there. It’s like mocking me that I was different.

I hated those scars.

I can never be perfect. My skin can never be flawless; I can never wear a two piece bikini, I can never show off more than was needed. I don’t think I can bear it when people see them. I feel hideous. I feel like I was a monster. I don’t know what people will think when they see my skin so scarred.

I think they would run away.

Now, I wonder why Blake didn’t. He saw my scars; he saw all of my hideous marks marring my skin. He saw me being helpless, he saw me at my weakest, he saw me crying, and he saw the side of me that I will never show to anyone else. I frowned at that. Why did I let him in so damn easily?

Is it because I knew he loved me and that I wanted him to know the real girl that he had fallen for? Is it because I wanted to see if he’d run away, screaming off after he sees my insecurities, after he sees my scars? Is it because I wanted to know how much he can take? Is it because I wanted to see if his love was pure?

Is that it Allison?

What are you doing really?

Are you trying to lead him on?

I sighed as I ran both hands through my hair. What am I supposed to do with you Blake? You declared your love for me as easy as a kid scoring for his spelling test. Why was it so easy for you? You knew our two teams were practically enemies and there he goes, announcing to everyone in the canteen that he loves me.

I mean seriously.

How can he love someone so emotionally scarred as me? How can he fall in love with a broken me? What made him fall in love with me? I wasn’t perfect, I wasn’t even normal at all. If you find in the dictionary, under the word broken, I think there’s a picture of me there somewhere.

How can he love me when I don’t even love myself?

I am so damn messed up.

I can still remember the day. Even though it happened a year ago, it was clear in my mind like it had happened yesterday. It was a Wednesday. I was making my way towards the cafeteria alone since I had a different class from my other team mates. I wasn’t feeling too good on that day.