phil
"come on let's go for dinner," dan sighs at last, breaking the constantly stretching silence between us. i pretend not to hear him, turning on my side and pulling the sleeping bag tighter around myself, hoping that the music will overpower whatever he will say next.
"phil?" it sucks that i can hear him over the music but he doesn't know that. and so i continue staring off into space, the lethargy of today's activities somehow not catching up with me at all, leaving me sleepless and wide awake.
it is when his hand curls around my arm and he shakes me a little that i look over at him, pulling out the earbuds and raising my eyebrows at him questioningly.
"what?"
"let's go for dinner," his voice is soft, apologetic, but i know for a fact that he's trying to make things okay just because he has to spend time with me at the camp. we are sharing a tent for god's sake.
"not hungry," i reply simply causing him to roll his eyes and grip my arm tighter.
"come on, i'm sorry for whatever you're pissed about. don't be a kid now," i have come to the realisation that him leaving me all alone to handle the embarrassment isn't that big of a deal to him, and so i have no reason to be acting like this.
surely, i will be more careful of the way i'm around him now—a lot more formal and a lot less friendlier—because clearly he is doing all this because he just has to. while i was thinking that we might enjoy ourselves for the rest of this trip, he was probably pretending to like my company all along because he had no other choice.
"okay," i give in at last. there is no point in being mad at him if he doesn't care at all.
"okay? that easy?" he sounds surprised, and honestly, i am too, but i don't say anything.
instead, i shrug off his grip and get out of the sleeping bag, putting on my glasses and stepping out of the tent, not waiting for dan. he follows me quick enough though, and by the time i'm pushing my foot into my second shoe, he already has his slippers on.
we don't talk the rest of the way to canteen, and eventhough i was dreading facing all the people a couple hours ago, i have come to another realisation that i am freaking seventeen, and i shouldn't be embarrassed at my own expense. people have always been judgemental assholes and as long as they don't direct any rude remarks towards me and quietly talk about me within themselves, i have no problem.
ten minutes later we are both standing in the short queue to get our dinner, and i look over at dan momentarily to find a disgusted look on his face as usual as the woman dumps some boiled chicken and vegetables on his plate, the only saving grace seeming to be the lone slice of white bread.
i head towards our usual table in the right corner but dan seems to have other plans as he grips my arm to stop me from walking.
"let's go and sit with adelaide and group," he doesn't ask for my consent, simply commands me and i shake off his grip.
"you can go and sit with them, they are your friends not mine," i roll my eyes and he just sighs out loud in response.
"i promise they are good people, come on," he whines and i roll my eyes again. how bad could it be?
i follow dan inferiorly towards the group of people, and all of them raise their eyebrows at me in a disinterested sort of a way.
so much for being good people.
i am about to walk back, but dan is already introducing me so i have no chance to escape.
"hey this is phil," dan takes a seat and beckons me to take one next to him. i give the group a hesitant smile and settle down beside him.
"aren't you the guy who threw up today?" the girl with blonde curls framing her face asks bluntly and my cheeks flush slightly at the statement.
"yeah he is," dan rolls his eyes and the guy with blue eyes laughs a little, his caramel hair pushed back and off his forehead.
i don't engage in the rest of the conversation and neither do they try to include me. my chest is hurting slightly at the sight of dan being so ignorant—eventhough i had convinced myself that he's an asshole— it still hurts a little.
ginger haired guy, who's name i've discovered is abel, makes a remark about my fuzzy pajamas, and i have nothing to retort when they all burst into laughter.
today has been too much already and this sudden ignorance is too overwhelming for me to handle. i feel like i could gulp down a whole bottle of vodka and still feel bad for myself, and right now, all i want to do is maybe drink a cup of coffee and read a book in silence.
when i excuse myself from the table, dan doesn't bother to ask where i'm going and so i don't bother telling him either. i quickly place my plate inside the bucket where the other plates are, and make my way outside and back to the tent.
the fire is burning quietly in the left corner of our plot, and i discard my shoes carelessly before getting inside my sleeping bag and shutting the lights off. i place my glasses next to my bag, and run my cold hands over my face in order to calm down a little but it doesn't help.
instead, there is a sudden outburst inside me where a huge lump has settled in my throat and my chest has begun to feel heavy. when the first few involuntary tears drip down my cheeks i lose it, simply burying my face in my arms and quietly crying myself to sleep.
i really am pathetic.
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