phil
although a few minutes ago the alcohol was making me feel light and bubbly, it seems like the sight before me has ruined the effect, chaining me into place as the soft material of my jumper drags along the flaky texture of the bark i'm leaning against.
i watch with parted lips, the scene before me, dan seeming shocked for the first few seconds before he gives in, his long fingers gripping the curve of the blonde girl's waist and his head tilting to the side so he can kiss her better.
i know dan and i are nothing more than friends, and even though i may have a soft corner for him, he definitely doesn't—but i still feel the soft buzzing of alcohol dying slowly, my heart beating a little slower than it previously was, and my breathing shallow, as if amongst all the clatter of people and the barely fogged air, i'm the only one lacking oxygen.
i fail to know whether they continued kissing for an hour or five minutes, as i press my lips to the half full plastic cup and gulp the scalding drink in one swift motion, making my throat ache a little but pushing the lump that was threatening to form back under my chest.
my eyes fall shut momentarily as i rest the back of my head against the scratchy bark with a small thud, my fingers wrapped around the plastic cup and barely crushing it.
i had known all along that he wasn't interested in boys, rather, he seemed to have despised the idea but here i was, a fool, for thinking that maybe we could be something more than friends. i hate myself for being attracted to him when i know i shouldn't, and for what happened today, for this ache that i'm feeling in my chest, no one other than me can be held responsible.
being gay fucking sucks.
how can you tell the difference between someone being a 'bro' or simply flirting with you? there have been times and times again when i have failed to know whether a person was interested in me or not, and to my luck—or lack of—i was always wrong. yet again, my stupid, stupid sexuality had lead me to another heartbreak, even though a minor one, but i know the consequences of this are going to change things.
i won't be comfortable with hugging him or holding his hand or simply being around him, because the way i was seeing him had now proven to be completely unjustified. i do not want to be another case of unrequited feelings, and if i want to get over dan and his stupid lips and his stupid eyes and his stupid face—
"phil!" i blink open in surprise, my vision blurring for a second before a very flustered looking dan is in focus, his lips plump and tinted a dark shade of red like he has just been kissed. he has just been kissed.
"yeah, hey, um, what are you—" my words are slow, and dan realises that i definitely should not be allowed to drink anymore, which causes him to furrow his eyebrows and grip my shoulder.
"do you wanna go back to the tents?" he asks, and i blink slowly before nodding. he offers me both his hands so he can support me to get on my feet, but i suddenly don't feel comfortable with that, so i simply grip the edge of the bark and stumble to my feet. i lean my weight against the tree so i don't accidentally fall and make a joke of myself—which i have done a lot at this camp already—and divert my gaze to dan who is looking at me with raised eyebrows.
"how much did you drink? i was gone for barely ten minutes," he laughs, stepping closer and slipping his hands into his pockets as he stares at me.
"not much," i try to keep as much control on my tongue as possible. "you can stay here, i'm gonna—gonna go back, to it, to the tent," i stammer awkwardly, and dan furrows his eyebrows a little bit before beginning to speak.
"what am i gonna do here without you?" dan's voice sounds like my statement is absolutely ridiculous and i almost snort before replying.
"certainly you can kiss many more people," i roll my eyes, trying to not let the hurt and desperation seep into my tone. "look at her over there, why don't you hook up with her? take her to the community washroom and—" before i can continue, dan is swinging his arm around my shoulder and slapping a hand over my mouth to stop me from speaking.
"you are certainly very fucking drunk, come on let's go back,"
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i hope u like where this is going !!
