phil
this is worse than silence.
it's like dan and i have completely lost track of our friendship and the only way to find it back seems to be in the most awkward conversations and hesitant laughs. hugging each other is so far off the table right now--even maintaining any kind of eye contact seems too intimate, too invasive.
right now as we walk beside each other after dinner, there is such a heavy silence in the already dense air. i can feel the unspoken words between us, fighting within our brains and struggling to get off our tongues and it is absolutely maddening to see something as comfortable as our friendship slipping right through all the time we are spending together.
the slightest brush of our fingers makes dan pull his hands back, and we both look at each other for a brief moment before looking away. i fail to know if its the cold air painting our cheeks red or the awkwardness itself. my attraction towards dan is getting more unbearable now that i know that i can't touch him. it's driving me crazy to not hold his hand, to not wrap my arms around his shoulders, to not look into his pretty eyes and make him laugh.
maybe it's my desperation talking but i now wish i would have never acted the way i did. dan was so confortable with me. what the fuck is my problem? if i could just accept our friendship the way it was, nothing would be going wrong right now.
"it's this way," dan's fingers wrap around my arm to pull me into the right direction and i flush even more, quietly muttering an apology. his touch lingers for a bit, before he pulls back and i breathe out a heavy sigh.
"you alright?" he asks me, ducking his head slightly so he can look at my face and i nod hesitantly.
"um, yeah, yeah i'm okay," i'm clearly not okay. i just can't help but blame myself for making things even harder for myself.
"hey," he stops in his tracks, and i'm forced to stop alongside him. his hand pushes against my shoulder to make me look at him and he stares at me with that concerned look in his eyes.
"what's wrong? is everything okay?" i don't want to be closed off but i can't just tell him that i miss holding his hand. how weird would that be?
"i'm fine dan, it's nothing," i brush it off and i can see dan clenching his jaw slightly before he turns away and begins to walk towards the tents way faster than we were before. what the hell just happened to him?
"dan?" i yell after him but he ignores me and keeps walking, and i jog slightly to catch up with him. i catch the sleeve of his jacket in my hand and he pushes my grip off completely before turning around to face me.
"what's wr--" i can't even complete my sentence before dan's palms press flat against my chest and he pushes me away from himself.
"honestly i've had enough with you phil! if you don't want to be friends with me you can just fucking say and stop acting like i'm a fucking burden on you!" he yells out of nowhere and i try to match his words to any kind of context but i can't. i watch him in confusion, and his eyes are watery and his cheeks are pink and he just looks so angry i have no idea what to do.
"what have i done?"
"fuck you! i don't even," he doesn't complete his sentence. he just begins to walk away from me again, this time in the opposite direction of where the tents are.
"dan where are you going?" i call after him but he's still impulsively walking and if i knew what i did i would probably apologise for it but he just had a complete breakdown for no reason. what the fuck?
i run after him again, and this time i grip his wrist tightly between my fingers so he can't escape, and he pushes me off again making a sudden annoyance burst inside me as well.
"don't touch me," he warns and i sigh dramatically, pushing my glasses up the bridge of my nose.
"what the fuck dan? what have i even done for you to behave like this?"
"what have you done? you tell me what i've done for you to become so disinterested in me all of a sudden! it-it's so different and you-you are so distant and you constantly make me feel as if i'm doing something wrong and i don't like sudden separation it stresses me out and--" and oh god every word he says breaks my heart more than the fact that he doesn't like me back. tears slip down his cheeks and his voice is high pitched and his face is turning an unhealthy shade of red and i don't know what else to do except wrap my arms around him and pulling him to my chest.
"dan it's nothing like that, oh god," fuck, i suck at comforting people and he just stays in my grip for a few seconds before pushing me away.
"no, you tell me what the fuck is going on, if you don't want to be friends with me anymore you can tell me atleast--"
"why don't you fucking get it! why would i not want to be friends with you i-" i don't complete my statement. this boy makes me feel so many emotions it's physically tiring.
"you what?"
"nothing," i can't say it, i can't say it, i cannot possibly say it.
"what the fuck phil! the least you could do right now is tell me what y-" i completely blank out. all rationality leaves my body, quickly seeping out of my fingertips and soaking the gravel ground beneath and i feel it drench my feet. i feel it splashing and hitting the seams of my jeans as i take step after step after step towards dan.
i know what i'm doing but i'm so unbelievably ignorant towards it and the second my fingers touch his cold cheeks, i hear the intake of breath and i feel the pulse of his heart slow down and pick up all at once, but i'm so far gone and i'm so fucking done with pretending to not like him.
"p-phil?" he isn't pushing me off, he isn't fighting back and a small, irrelevant and incredibly wrong part of my brain believes that he wants this as well. and me being my stupid self goes with that small, irrelevant and incredibly wrong part and i. . . i kiss him.
--
hi !! sorry for being gone for so long, i hope you all are doing well !!
so this might be slightly rushed and slightly shitty ( like always lol ) but at least you finally got some action
yay ? i guess ?
