phil
dinner was even more uneventful than it usually is when i'm trying to avoid conversation with dan. it feels strange to not have him sitting beside me, his elbow bumping into mine as we eat because he's left handed, his hands occasionally finding mine in between laughs, looking at his face up close and counting all the freckles that dot his cheeks—god it fucking sucks.
dan sits across from me—only because i moved from beside him—his eyes trained on his plate as he plays with his food, seemingly tired from making the efforts to talk to me again and again when i'm constantly being so closed off. i can't help it though, this temporary pain in my chest from being distant with him is better than the complete heartbreak that comes along with unrequited feelings.
it's not like we're gonna act like this in another week when we're back to being just neighbours.
i sigh, discreetly watching as dan rolls his bottom lip between his teeth and moves the food further across his plate, barely eating it. he doesn't make a comment about how disgustingly unappetising it is like he usually does, he just scrunches his eyebrows and drops the fork clutched between his fingers, leaning back against the uncomfortable plastic chair and looking around awkwardly.
"are you ready to go back?" dan asks after a few minutes of complete silence, and i look at my almost untouched food before nodding. he takes both of our plates and gets out of his chair, my eyes following his movements as he dumps them into the box where other dirty dishes are, and raises his eyebrows at me as if to ask whether i'm coming or not.
i get out of my chair as well and we exit the dining hall shortly after, the silence between us seeming heavier when there is no soft chatter of other people drowning it. dan walks three feet away from me, one of his hands stuffed in his pocket and the other holding his flashlight lethargically, no emotion on his face.
i feel guilty for making him feel uncomfortable but i need to put myself first so i don't end up with a broken heart and an even broken friendship if dan ever gets to knowhow i feel about him. he will get over the distance in a day or two but it will take me an eternity to simply get over him.
seven minutes and five deep breaths later, dan finally speaks again, his eyes focused on his shoes and a pink tint on his cheeks.
"have i done something?" he asks, his voice small and timid and i can literally feel my chest contract as the statement leaves his lips.
"n-no," i splutter to find an appropriate answer as to the way i'm behaving but decide that it's much easier to just act oblivious. "why would you say that?"
"you don't think anything is different?" dan's voice is soft but accusing at the same time as he turns his head to look at me, caramel eyes squinted ever so slightly in disbelief.
it takes everything in me to shrug as unapologetically as possible, looking away from him and running my fingers through my hair. "no?" i respond and he just sighs, a breath of relief leaving his lips once he sees the tent in sight.
"okay," he doesn't argue further, just increases his pace and walks ahead of me, and before i can even reach the tent, he already discards his shoes and steps inside.
once he's out of sight, i press my clammy palms against my sweatpants, rubbing them up and down my thighs, taking a deep breath to calm myself down. the ache in my chest is only magnifying, and when i step inside the tent after five minutes my heart almost breaks at the sight of dan curled into his own sleeping bag, the blanket we had been sharing for the past few days stuffed in the corner.
i bite my lip and tear my eyes away from him, spreading out my own sleeping bag and before i can get inside it, i hear dan's quiet voice.
"can you turn off the lights?" he mumbles, his voice scratchy and his back turned to me. i look at him in speechless confusion for a few seconds, before pursing my lips and running my fingers through my hair.
"i-i thought you were not comfortable with that?" i choose my words carefully. dan had told me two days ago how he absolutely hated darkness, so the thought of him wanting the lights out is a bit strange.
"even i thought a lot of things phil," dan snaps and my breath hitches in my throat. "not all of them are true,"
--
eek im sorry this took so long
also fmab is so fucking good i-
