phil
the next day goes the same way.
just a change of activities, as instead of rappelling we were supposed to perform river crossing where dan did extremely well. i could too, but people had started commenting harshly and unforgivingly, making my already non-existent confidence even worse causing me to quit and come back from the task when i was half way through.
i cried again today, not at night but in broad daylight in the community bathrooms, taking a cold shower to wash off the paranoia even when it was freezing enough to make everyone crawl under their blankets.
i missed lunch, but this time dan didn't seem to care. he asked me just for the sake of formality, and when i denied he simply shrugged, walking off with his new group of friends.
unfortunately we had another session of activities today where we were supposed to go trekking, and i was feeling too low to even function so i backed out without even trying. dan gave me a strange look when i did that and whispered something to the blue eyed boy—harris, who just burst out into laughter, making me feel even worse about myself than i already did.
i didn't wait up for dan that night once again, collecting the firewood on my own and building up the campfire, and he came back later again, but this time with abel, both of them talking loud enough to make my head hurt.
"oh hey you're already here, i was just gonna go for dinner come on," abel looked disinterested once again as he pulled on dan's arm impatiently and dan just raised his eyebrows at me as if to ask if i'm coming or not.
"no, i-i'll just eat cup noodles or something,"
"who eats cup noodles?" abel comments, rolling his eyes and dan just looks between the both of us before agreeing to the ginger head's statement.
he laughs uncomfortably. "yeah, who eats cup noodles?"
+
it's two hours later when dan returns and i don't pay attention to him as he stumbles inside the tent, shivering while he does so. i keep my attention on the unfinished book in my hands, turning the crisp page to reveal a new paragraph while dan scratches the back of his head.
"did you eat anything?" is the first thing he says as he takes a seat next to me, not getting inside his sleeping bag but sitting on his knees, eyes fixed on me as he awaits an answer.
"yeah," i lie. i had lost my appetite a while back, but he doesn't need to know that. he probably wouldn't even care.
"i can get you something from the canteen if you're hungry," he offers, voice smooth and soft, and everything i wish it wasn't because it is just too hard to ignore.
"no don't bother i'm fine," i dismiss him, my eyes unable to catch the words which seemed to be jumbled now, my attention not focusing on the book no matter how hard i try.
"how was your day?" he attempts to make a conversation again but i lose it this time. i slam the book shut and turn to face him with an annoyed expression that i'm sure i have on my face.
"what do you want?"
--
is it only me or my writing does actually get shittier sometimes
