warning : shitty as hecky dizzle
phil
"dan?" he is still sobbing, his nails digging harshly into my shoulder blades and his entire body pressed flush against mine. i have no idea why he's crying, or why he is not punching the shit out of me, but i refuse to think about it for a while as i wrap my arms tightly around his waist, hoping that the uneven circles that i draw on his back will help him calm down.
"are you alright? what's wrong?"
"shut up," he tells me, his voice is surprisingly not laced with anger but just pure misery. i don't know which of the two hurt me more.
"but—"
"just shut up for a minute i don't want to talk about it," his crying has stopped, barely, but his chest is still rising and falling rapidly against my own and he is still struggling to breathe. he is holding me just as tight as he was a few moments ago, if not tighter, and i stand here like an absolute idiot while holding him and praying that this doesn't get any worse from here.
it's getting colder now that i'm not standing next to the fire, and seeing that dan is wearing lesser clothes than me i assume he must be freezing. why the hell does he never put on a jacket when i tell him to? he is such an idiot. i roll my eyes and pull him closer.
"dan i think—"
"phil what the fuck is your problem why can't you just—" he pulls away just a little to look at my face and he looks so harmless right now it's actually a little amusing. his cheeks are a dull shade of pink, and his lips are still rosy, some of his hair plastered to his forehead and the tears on his face catch onto the warm glow from the fire.
i don't think there is ever going to be a time when he's not beautiful.
"sh," i bring my hands to his face and run my thumbs along his cheeks to get rid of the moisture, and his eyes close momentarily at the action. "can we go inside? it's cold," i ask him and he opens his eyes once again, his hands leaving the bunched up fabric of my sweatshirt reluctantly.
"alright,"
i regret my decision as soon as he steps away from me, his guard drawn up yet again and his fingers messing with his own hair obsessively. the tension in the air has returned like it has no other job in the world except making things harder for me, and i wonder why the hell do i even allow myself to think. i should have just shut up when he told me to.
i watch as he takes off his shoes and enters the tent, and i take a deep breath, mentally preparing myself for whatever that is to come before kicking off my own shoes and stepping in. dan takes a seat on the flat mattress, more towards the middle than his own side and leans back to retrieve a blanket. i sit down next to him, i think the fact that we aren't getting into our respective sleeping bags and ignoring each other is a good start.
i just stare at him like a creep, watching his expression carefully as he lethargically spreads out the blanket over his legs and brings it up to his chest, offering the other end to me. i take it and mirror his technique, and then we are both just sitting in awkward silence waiting for a miracle to happen and end this exchange.
of course being the absolute dumbass i am, i start the conversation for no reason.
"so," i mumble and he looks up at me before staring back down at his hands again, his fingers crossing over one another.
"why did you do that?" he asks, his voice small and timid and incredibly accusing. i am glad that he isn't yelling at me (yet) but i really don't have an explanation as to why i kissed him except telling him that i'm fucking gay and i fucking like him.
"i don't know," i lie, and he bites the inside of his cheek before opening his mouth.
"do you—do you," his cheeks flush and the colour is much easier to notice under the harsh white glow of the flashlight hanging from the ceiling. "do you like me or something?" he looks mortified of my answer, his eyes still fixed on his hands, and his cheeks are growing pinker by the second.
"no! of course not!" i am such an idiot.
"oh," he voice is even lower now, almost a whisper. "then why did you-why did you," i can see the embarrassment pooling further in his cheeks.
"i don't know," i lie. "you know how stupid i am," i try to reason and he looks at me with the tiniest smile on his lips.
"yeah," he agrees. "really stupid," a small giggle leaves his mouth and i can feel myself actually dying. why does he have to be so fucking adorable?
"why were you crying?" i ask him, and he purses his lips, the light atmosphere that was prevalent a few minutes ago has completely disappeared. thanks to me.
"i was, um, confused i guess," he chooses his words carefully and i rest my elbows on my knees.
"confused? about what?"
"i thought you liked me or something and it was my first kiss with a boy and now you are saying you don't like me so i am even more confused and all this is annoying me and i just want to go back home and never think about this camp or you ever again," he rambles and then proceeds to cover his face with his hands. my heart sinks a little at his words but i try not to make this about myself, i knew dan was straight before i kissed him it was completely unjustified on my part.
but as i think about his words more and more i feel like he is not hurt by the fact that i kissed him. i think he is more bothered by the fact that i said that i don't like him, and i don't really know how i feel about that. maybe i am just overthinking this. why would he want me to like him anyway? i mean not that i don't, i am hopelessly crushing after him but still.
a small sigh distracts me and i look over at dan at the exact moment he begins to cry into his palms.
"dan! why are you crying again oh my god," why does he keep on crying when he knows i am the worst person to expect any sort of comfort from? i am going to have a heart attack. i move closer to him and wrap my arms around his shoulders to pull him into my side because that's the only thing i believe i am not completely useless at.
"sorry i'm just a mess,"
--
look at me updating
