phil
i feel his pulse increase under my fingertips more than i feel mine, and the collision of our mouths has to be the unhealthiest—the most beautiful thing—but still undeniably unhealthy. his lips are so soft against mine, and his breathing too harsh, too controlled but when i move my mouth against his and attempt to pull him closer, he doesn't protest. i taste the hesitation on his lips but it contradicts the way his reluctant fingers grip tight onto my sweatshirt, our mouths moving completely uncoordinated.
my head is so full of this feeling, i can feel it overpowering my lungs, i can feel it contaminating my blood and pulsing through my veins and i take the opportunity to press my chest against his and let my fingers explore the curly forest atop his head. our lips part for a moment, i catch more of his breath, more of his scent than oxygen itself but it doesn't seem to matter at the moment.
breathing doesn't seem important when i have his hands pulling me closer and his lips tinted a dull shade of red.
he kisses me this time, moving his hands from my torso to my chest where his fingers leave indents of pure desperation, and up to the base of my throat as he wraps his slender fingers around the back of my neck. it doesn't feel real, all of this, the way the sound of his ragged breathing and my own obnoxiously loud heartbeat mix is strange to my ears but is slowly becoming my favourite sound.
when our mouths part for the second time i rest my forehead against his, the cold hair filling my throat and making the heat fade out slowly. his hands are still gripping the collar of my sweatshirt and mine are resting loosely on his hips, my eyes watching him carefully.
his eyes are still closed as if he doesn't want to face what will come next, and the tears that were glistening his cheeks a few minutes ago add a soft glow to his face. his lips are as swollen as i imagine mine are, and he is still catching his breath, his chest rising and falling slowly against my own.
when he opens his eyes i move away from him, unsure of how to act and run my fingers through my hair obsessively. i glance at him for a moment and he doesn't look at me, he continues to stare at his shoes as he drags his right foot across the gravel awkwardly, probably finding something to say.
i feel the regret pool in my stomach, i feel it more than i felt the rush of finally being able to kiss him. i know this will ruin everything, not that anything was perfect before but this will definitely make things worse. when i look at him again i see it, i see the hate he holds for himself in his furrowed eyebrows and frowned lips and when he frustratedly kicks at a small pebble i know that things are going to go downhill from here.
i don't want to face it, the inevitable blame that will come upon me for kissing him and for ruining our friendship. we stand there in silence for a few more seconds, me regretting my actions and him, probably hating me for doing what i did.
the tension in the air is something unavoidable, and for now i want to be able to avoid it so i do what i think is the best for both of us—i leave him there and begin to make my way towards the tents once again. my steps are fast, and my feet are probably creating craters in the gravel considering how i am stomping my feet, and all my fears and all my anger towards myself returns to me in the form of tears.
i am so fucking stupid.
even though minutes ago dan was kissing me back and he didn't seem bothered by it, i know that as soon as he realises he has kissed a guy he will freak out. i have no idea what genius side of my brain thought that fucking making out with him was a good call, but now the damage has been done and i know the only one paying the price will be me.
when i look back, i don't see him following me, he doesn't even call after me and that confirms the fact that i am an absolute idiot. of course he is regretting kissing me back, of course he is plotting seven hundred ways as to how he can call me a fag and tell me how i tried to force myself upon him. i know dan can be the meanest person if he wants to, he will not give a single shit about my feelings when it comes to his pride that has been hurt by kissing a boy.
fuck my entire life.
i know i am making the worst assumptions but for once i want to believe the rational side of my brain. and the rational side of my brain knows how dan is, and how he will react to this entire situation. of course, knowing how he will react doesn't prepare me for the situation but knowing it is still comforting so i don't get caught off guard. at least i know what's coming.
i wipe my fingers against my cheeks and under my eyes to get rid of the salty tears that stained my skin, and when i see the tent in sight i sigh out of relief. i really hope dan doesn't come back until i fall asleep. i quickly make a fire from the left over wood from yesterday, and watch as it grows in size, the warmth of it bringing a strange comfort to my haywire thoughts.
just as i'm about to kick off my shoes and enter the tent, dan appears from the woods, his eyes watery once again and his hands stuffed in his pockets. he looks like he's going to cry or slit my throat at any given moment. he walks towards me, and i feel my oxygen supply cutting off yet again.
he's going to fucking punch me in the face.
"dan i—" i begin to explain myself as soon as he is one feet away from me, and to my surprise, instead of giving me a black eye, he just wraps his arms tightly around my neck and pushes all of his body weight on me and bursts into tears in the crook of my neck.
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hiiiiii i was just in a mood to write something so i wrote for the first book i saw
sorry if you were expecting updates for something else
also sorry if this was absolute shit i haven't written in a long time jesus
anyways
i hope u all are well and good !! love u
