I Will Fear The Night Again

Chapter 8(Stay)-

I'm not quiet sure what to call this.

Though i feel a way about them.

I have voices in my head,all the time.They interrupt people when they speak to me,they talk to me at night, they even tell me not so happy things.

I hear her all the time, and yes its in a girls voice.

In fact its my own voice but scary and dark sounding.

About four months ago i started showing signs of major anxiety.I hate it.I hate the feeling that something bad it going to happen.That i could die,or the world might end...i never know what i'm nervous about,its just a feeling all the time.

The voices as i mentioned have been here since the anxiety.

I noticed it started at night, when i would hear a voice telling me "Your not worth this life",or "you have no one that loves you",or the worst..."just end it".

I started to call her Luna, well because at night its worst and the moon, a reference to the moon.

I don't get much sleep anymore because of all of this.She talks to me all the time now.Saying..."your an idiot",or "hes lying when tells you your beautiful".

People always ask me why i put myself down all the time,but i don't,its not me...i feel these ways because someone tells me every waking moment of my life.

She calls all the shots, i feel like i have no control anymore, i haven't even been happy for a long time.

I'm not sure how to explain it much but its as if someone stood behind you every day, all the time in your ear...saying cruel things to you.

Luna speaks over everyone...That's why i have to ask people what the just said because i didn't hear a word they said over all that talking.

It gets so frustrating i even yelled "shut up!" in the middle of class one day because i couldn't hear what the teacher was saying, after that the class went dead silent.

I think because my mom leaving me for drugs, my sister telling someone she was suicidal, and my other sister doing things to me as a child then leaving the state to be far away was damaging for me...i feel as if, it gave me attachment issues.

I know this because every time i start to feel love for someone, they leave me, sometimes when people don't respond back to me i feel like they don't want me,that they are leaving me.

I cant stand when people ask me if i'm okay because of coarse i'm going to say,"i'm fine" or "i'm okay" i just feel like those words mean nothing anymore because they were all lies.

I don't want to lie anymore .In fact, i stopped talking these past couple of weeks because i know i'm annoying,i know i talk to much, everyone tells me...

Luna tells me, all the time.

I think if i stop talking so much, people will like me.I don't want people to not think i'm weird,or crazy,i just want to be happy.

People think happiness and sadness are a choice.But why would i chose to be sad when i could choose to be happy.

(I know this isn't really a good book and i'm sorry, but it took me a long time to write this over the span of two months...i'm not even close to being done yet.As always xoxo...)-Katey(((: