I Will Fear The Night Again

Chapter 18(Family?)

Today...today, today...i felt...nothing really.

I felt, dumb. 

Like i wasn't needed.

So pretty much worthless.

And i know if i told my friends this,they would try to convince me i'm not.But i just didn't feel anything today.Like in math, no one sits next to me because that's where the teacher put me,i felt really proud of myself that i was actually focusing on work and studying, but i just felt empty.

I didn't really feel anything today like love,or joy,excitement,or even sadness. 

I'm not sure why i just felt numb today,like nothing could make me feel today.

I miss my sisters...I miss my middle sisters laugh and jokes.

I miss my oldest sisters unconditional love and support.And i miss the way we bonded.I haven't seen the oldest one since she before she was admitted into 72 hour surveillance for suicidal thoughts.

The middle one still lives in Oklahoma with her fiance...so i don't think i'll see her very soon.

But today's still not over,i have my youth group for church with a bunch of supporting friends and someone i like...but that's not that important because i don't want to get there hopes up...i don't want to hurt them or leave them,people don't deserve that.

I think that's why i'm so distant around that person because i waited so long for them to notice me,then they did, but i don't know if i want it anymore.

I know that sounds dumb and selfish.But i'm only in eighth grade and i don't think i'm ready to love someone like that yet.

Like i said...i sort of have a fear of loving someone because they might leave or hurt me.

I don't want that,i want to be loved,but for them to stay.

I really do like this person and they make me feel loved too but i don't know how to deal with this.And i know what you're probably thinking..."it's not even that big of a deal", but it is for me.

I don't love people...ever.

I just say it really.

I feel bad sometimes,but i don't even realize i'm lying when i don't really know what love feels like.

I sort of get the general idea...but my heart feels empty like all the time,so i don't think i'm ready to say it to another person if i don't even mean it.

(I don't really know where i'm trying to go with this journal,its pretty dry and basic.But that's kinda the point,its supposed to be honest and true.So here ya go.I will try to update more!Love you all.)XOXO-Katey