I Will Fear The Night Again

Chapter 14(Listen)-

I love how when nothing's wrong, people ask me "What's wrong?".

But when something is wrong... no one says anything.

 It bothers me because nobody notices my pain but they think my normal face, means there's somethings wrong.Like my family for example...everyone always talks about everything wrong with me, and everything i do wrong.

But when i talk to much...god forbid i talk!

Apparently i'm annoying and i never stop talking.

I cant stand the fact that i'm used as an example to everyone in my family.Like don't do what she did.Or watch out,she did that and you will get in trouble if you do it.

It makes no sense why everything is taken to the extreme around me.

Or even when my parents are asking me what's the matter, but they think it's some common reason,like me being moody,or a teenager.

But is this normal?

Is hating yourself all the time, no matter what you say or do normal?

I have absolutely no clue.

And these days everyone says "OMG, i wanna die" or "Like seriously kms!" but they don't understand that some of us actually mean those things or say those things in our head.Because i do.

I recently met someone and i'm actually really sad on how i dealt with it.

I liked this person,they told me they liked me back.

That day they asked me out, and i said no, one because i didn't really know them all that well,and they didn't know me either. 

Two, middle school is dumb and it's not like it would actually last really long.

And three, i don't want to get close to people...because like i said,people i love the most...always leave.

That must sound really dramatic,but it makes sense if you actually think about it.I don't want this person to leave my life or be hurt.I don't want them to be sad and i definitely don't want to let them down.

I do not like this feeling though,i feel like i'm already hurting the people i love by not trying to hurt them.

I'm not sure what to tell my parents anymore.They listen to me...but they don't believe me.Or it's just they don't care because i told my dad something going on in my life right now...(the voices).And we talked for a long time about it.emotions were talked about,and he talked about therapy.

But the week after it's like he forgot all about us talking.

It's like we never did.

He asked why i was looked sad and wasn't looking at him when he was talking to me.And i wasn't about to explain it to him again because what if he didn't believe me.

(I'm sorry if this makes no sense at all,i'm bad at writing if you cant tell.But keep giving me reads i really appreciate it!XOXO)-Katey(((( :