I'm Screaming I love You So (Tayley)

And it hurts remembering how it felt to shut down

Chapter 19:

Taylor’s POV:

**Moments before**

As i drove away from Hayley’s home, I could see her through my rear view mirror. It was odd having to say goodbye to her when I didn’t want to. As soon as I made the right to get back on the road to my house, I found myself missing her more than I should have.

I sighed, suddenly remembering that I was driving. I stepped on the break hard as the light had turned red while I was having flashbacks of my moments with Hayley.

Suddenly the low fuel light on my dashboard turned on. I knew that I had to get gas, but I guess I had forgotten. I pulled into the nearest station jumping out of the car and began to pump gas into my car.

As I stood there, i heard my name called. I turned and saw Bill, and old friend from high school. He really has changed.

I smiled at him as we began to make conversation.

“So how you been man?” As he removed his hand from our hand shake.

“I’m doing alright, how about you?” I asked as he smiled at me.

“I’ve been really busy with the new baby and all.”

My eyes widen. “New baby?” I asked a little shocked.

“Yea, bean is just a few weeks old.”

Bean? Did he just say bean?

“I’m sorry what the baby’s name is?”

“Layla. Her name is Layla, you want to meet her?”

I nodded as I replaced the gas pump.

He motioned for me to follow him to his car and I did.

He introduced me to his wife, Laura who was holding the baby. They mentioned they were headed on a bit of a family road trip upstate to his older brother’s house for a big family reunion. But all I kept looking at was Layla’s small hand wrapped around my pinky as I looked down at her. The noises she made as she awoke from her sleep and the beam in her eyes.

She smiled up at me as I continued to talk to Laura and Bill. But they had to get back on the road and I needed to get home. As Laura placed Layla back into her she began to fuss and cry.

I smiled at them and waved them off getting back into my own car and driving home.

The baby’s cry kept ringing in my ear bringing back the idea of me not being a father.

As I opened the door to my house, it felt almost lifeless. I walked into the kitchen dropping my keys on the counter and walked into the living room.

I walked over to the corner of the living room that had a picture and a teddy bear. I took the bear in my hands and just stared at it. A pain took over my body, and not a physical pain, it was like hole in my heart and I felt my breath hitch up in my throat. I knew that as much as I wanted to not feel this way, it was inevitable.

And so I took off, I ran to the kitchen, taking the bear with me, grabbed my keys, and made my way out the door.

I drove until I arrived at her house. I jumped out of my car running up to the front door before my tears escaped my eyes.

I rang the doorbell looking down at the bear that was still in my hand. The whole way over, it hasn’t left my grip.

“Taylor what’s wrong baby?” She leapt into my arms as she buried her face in my neck.

“I’m not strong enough Hayley.” I said into her hair.

She pulled me inside as we separated. We made our way up the stairs into her bedroom. She sat on the floor as I followed her example sitting right across from her.

“Now, what’s wrong babe.” She said reaching over and whipped a tear away.

I wasn’t aware I was crying.

I took a deep breath calming myself a bit.

“It happened. I finally broke, I hit rock bottom.” I said causing her to crawl on me taking a seat on my lap as she took the bear from my grip, but I didn’t allow her to. I wrapped my arms around her still holding onto the bear. She wrapped her arm around my neck and placed her other hand on my shoulder.

“All this time while I was with you, I had to be strong, not just for you, but for myself. I knew I couldn’t show sadness because it would only upset you more and it hurt seeing you so sad. I never want to see you in that state again. I had to pretend that I wasn’t affected so much but I was. It was killing me on the inside, more and more each day. And I had to swallow all that hurt to make you happy again.”

“Taylor, you didn’t have to do that for me.”

“But I did, I had to see you happy and smiling again, because if it wasn’t for that sparkle in your eyes, I knew that I would die of sadness.” I felt my eyes watery. “For those days I couldn’t sleep, it felt like insomnia was just waiting there, waiting for me to just try to sleep. I was left alone to bear with all this. We were both left alone. And it was so easy for me to just go crazy and snap at you the way I did earlier.”

I felt Hayley’s grip around me tighten as she looked straight into my eyes keeping our foreheads touching.

“I refuse to just let you, I knew that I had to get you back on your feet and never give up and it hurts, it hurts talking about it, but I don’t want to act like nothing ever happened for the rest of my life.”

Hayley kissed my lips and I kissed her back.

“I know what I have to do now, I have to let go of the idea of our baby.”

I let go of the bear as it fell onto the floor I allowed myself to cry. I wrapped my arms around her fully as I buried my face into her neck feeling her rub my back smoothly as a way of telling me that it will all be alright in the end.

 “I don’t know Hayley, but I thought that letting go of all this pain in my heart would make me happy by now.”

She pulled away whipping away a few tears of her face as well as mine.

She smiled at me and I smiled back.

“I guess it’s all out of our control and we just have to learn how to let go.”