❀ twelve ❀

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by holyclifford

by holyclifford

Luke's POV

"Look, I know we haven't talked in a while.. And.. I don't know what I was even trying to say here." Lilly's voice sounded through my ears as I listened to her voice-mails, deleting them one by one. In the few weeks we had been separated, I decided it would be best to ignore her and let her move on. It would cause her less pain, less heart ache. Listening to all these voice-mails, I could here the pain in her voice. Her voice was hoarse, and it broke me to pieces when I heard her abruptly end the call due to her beginning to sob while she was begging for me to come to her.

I pressed on the last voice-mail to listen to it, waiting to here her voice.

"And if you change your mind about completely shutting me out, please come back. I miss you, Luke. I miss our fights, our constant bickering. I miss us holding hands. I miss you." She choked out and ended the voice-mail. I stared at my phone for what seemed to be like ages until I hit the call button.

It went straight to voice-mail, so I left one. It was nothing compared to the countless ones she had sent me.

"Err.. Hi Lilly. I listened to your voice-mails. I'm so sorry for ignoring you, I just.. I thought that I didn't need you to be happy, but I realized something. I realized you are my happiness. Dammit, Lilly." I yelled as tears rolled down my cheeks.

"If you are finished with your message, please press one." I pressed one and waited.

"If you would like to send your message with normal delivery, press one. If you would like to send your message with urgent delivery, press two. If you are not finished with your message, you may hang up and try again." I pressed two and slammed my phone onto the counter, not bothering to look at the aftermath of it.

I dragged my body up to my room and looked at what I have become. The ego I had built up over the years to try to be tough had been shattered. The reason of my desire to become tough was because of a girl, this time, it was a girl who broke it.

I remember clearly, everything that happened.

"Luke!" Vicky exclaimed, dragging me to the middle of the field.

"Hey babe." I moved my head to kiss her, but she jerked back. Everyone had gathered around, I'm assuming Vicky had planned this for whatever surprise she was giving me.

"Luke, I'm breaking up with you. You're too wimpy." She dryly said, flipping her hair from one side to the other.

Everyone laughed, and I stood there like a moron, humiliated. That was the last time I would come off as nerdy, wimpy, or soft to anyone.

I shook my head at the horrible and humiliating memory and walked to my closet. I picked out the red flannel that I knew Lilly loved, I could tell. I was going over to her house to apologize, it was the last thing I hand in mind to do, but I was doing it.

Ruffling a hand through my hair, I didn't bother to work on my appearance, since I knew she would be just as much of a wreck as I was. I exhaled deeply and jogged down the stairs, stopping to see my mum at the kitchen reading her paper.

"Luke, where are you going? It's only 7 in the morning." She questioned, still thinking I was sleeping.

"Lilly's." I answered, not really in the mood to play 21 Questions with her at the moment. I had something to do, and I was in a rush. I swung the door open and sped walked down the stairs to my garage, then walked over to my car and got in. Starting it, I heard the ignition roar as I backed out of the parking slot.

As I was driving, I couldn't help but think what she would do once I apologized. Would she laugh in my face and tell me to get out? Or would she cry in my arms and tell me it was okay?

I pulled up to her house, which was still dark and silent. I've never been introduced to her parents, or any of her family for that matter. I still had a lot to find out about her, and I promised myself at that moment that I would spend every second with her trying to learn something new.

I knocked on the door and expected a wrecked, tear-stained cheeked Lilly to open the door. Instead, no one answered. I looked below me to find a door mat, and I lifted it up. Thank God for Lilly's family to keep the key in one of the most cliche places. I let myself in and wandered around. I ended up in the kitchen and found stacks of paper lying around. I knew I shouldn't have read them, but I was so damn curious. My eyes skimmed through the words, trying to find out what all these papers were. I noticed dates on top of each one, then realized; these letters were for me. And they were written by Lilly.

Reading each one, I felt pain in me. I realized I have caused an innocent girl all this pain, as if she didn't have enough already. I caused a beautiful girl like Lilly to be in pain, and that was one of the biggest mistakes I have made in my life, and I hate myself for it. I read them so carefully, examining each letter and word. I found one with today's date on it and brought myself to have enough strength to read it.

February 2, 2014
Dear Luke,

I have been so lost without you. It sounds crazy to say, since we aren't even officially together. I miss you so much. I say that phrase too much. Over the past few days I have been thinking. I've been thinking about us. I have always thought that you were the cause for my pain. You are, though. But you are also the cause for my happiness. You make me happy, Lucas. I'm sorry, I know you hate being called that. From your mood swings, your corniness, to you in general, I have grown to love every single aspect of you. You make my heart flutter with a single touch, and I'm not meaning for this to be sappy.

You also make me very sad. You make me cry, scream, yell at myself for being something I don't want to be. I think I'm sick, Luke. Mentally ill. I cannot take a day without you, yet alone three weeks. You make me very sad, Luke Hemmings. A person this crazy about someone is not crazy for the person, he or she is crazy in general. You make me crazy.

I have come to the conclusion that you cannot have a relationship without bumps in the road. Ours just has more bumps, hills, and sharp turns than others. You cannot have sunshine without rain. You are my rain, Luke. But at the end of the day there will always be sunshine, and you are my sunshine.

I love you, Lucas Robert Hemmings. I love you so much it makes me sick.

I proccessed the words in my mind as they burned through my brain. I wiped my cheeks, but no tears were there. I was emotionally drained. I realized I was in Lilly's house and collected myself together, searching for her. I opened each door, calling her name. I reached her room, familiar with it. I noticed broken pencils scattered on the floor, along with tissues, even a slice of half-eaten pizza. I searched around her room until I noticed there was a bathroom to go along with it, so I walked over to it. I slowly opened the door, and I wish I didn't.

There was Lilly, knocked out on the floor, pills in hand. She was in the fetal position, and I felt myself shatter.

"No. No, no, no." I repeated, dropping to my knees next to her inert body.

"Lilly, please wake up." I shook her body, tears falling down my face.

"Lilly, c'mon. It's Lucas." I sobbed out, not bothering to scream. I dragged her to the bathtub and stuck my fingers in her mouth, trying to make her vomit the pills. Nothing was happening, her eyes were still screwed shut as she layed in my arms.

This was all my fault. If I wasn't such a fuck up, she wouldn't want to kill herself. If I wasn't so bipolar, maybe I would make her happy instead of causing her to want to end her life. If I was here for her instead of completely shutting her out, this wouldn't be happening.

I stopped panicking and pulled out my phone to do the only logical thing I could think of.

"911, what's your emergency?"

I breathed deeply as I choked out the words. "I'd like to report a suicide attempt."

A/N: the tears are real im actually done

luke makes me so emotional

and lilly'S LETTER TO LUKE IM CRYING SO HARD

THIS IS A REALLY SHORT CHAPTER BECAUSE I JUST NEEDED TO LIKE HAVE A CHAPTER IN LUKE'S POV OKAY BYE