Do you want to live this way? (CROWEN)

Chapter 10

It was the day of her appointment with her shrink. 

Cristina is not a person that verbally expresses her inner thoughts and feelings just to anyone. It takes a deep excavation to reach the inner layer of the true Cristina Yang.

When the therapist settled herself in the chair in front of her, Cristina started to talk.  She is still not comfortable on making eye contact towards but her being the first one to let out a statement is a part of her - trying.

Cristina: I don’t recognize myself anymore. I am either somebody’s heart doctor, or wife or friend or mother. But I think I lost a part of myself when I choose this life that I did not want in the first place.  Do you understand?

Therapist:  I understand, Cristina.

Cristina:  No, you don’t.  You are just saying that because I am paying you to listen to my crappy life.

The therapist remains in her calm voice, she is used to uncooperative patients since she knows they are the ones who are suffering severely. 

Therapist: Yes, That is right Cristina. And it is my job to help you too.  You said that you don’t recognize yourself anymore but I will you help to feel better and for me to do that, I need you to talk about the people around you – they are part of yourself too and me, knowing them will have an idea who are you.

Cristina: Okay then. I can handle that. Who do you want me to describe first?

Therapist: Let’s start with the person you trust the most.

Cristina: Meredith.

Therapist: Who is Meredith?

Cristina: My bestfriend. My person.  The one who knows everything about me.

Therapist: Okay. So, tell me more about Meredith.

Cristina:  Mer is my sister, not biologically related but you know my point. She is there to help me all the time, when I am in the dark twisty place – she will stay there with me for a while to dance it out and drag me out there.   I had the courage to go here and leave my family behind because I know even when I am not there, Meredith will save my ass and I trust her to help my kids, I trust her with my life.  We are team, Meredith and I.

Therapist:  and what is Meredith like?

Cristina: She is a good surgeon, just good because I am better of course.  She is well loved by everyone because she is nicer than me.  She is tough but a real soft core. She is damaged but a very strong one.  She faced death a thousand of times but she always survive. She is a good person.

Therapist : I think she is and I can say you are fortunate to meet a friend like Meredith.

Cristina : I guess but I think she is also a lucky to meet me. So it’s just mutual.

Therapist : Indeed.

While telling about Meredith, Cristina’s mind is in motion-picture mode of her and Meredith’s through thick-and-thin moments. She is staring blankly when her shrink, asked her another question.

Therapist: Cristina. You have told me about Meredith and I know she is one of the most important person in your life and for me to help you further. I need you to share with me the other person. Let us start with your husband.

Owen. Now, they will talk about Owen, her Owen, her G.I Joe, the love of her life. It should be easy to talk about him – but unlike the way she speaks spontaneously about Meredith.  Disclosing Owen’s significance in her life is a different thing now, if she will admit the truth – it is because of the guilty feeling that she left him.

She does not know how to describe Owen to this woman, she is blank for a few moments until she feel the blast of air coming from the open window behind her. She closed her eyes, sighed deeply, touches her hair and spoke . The therapist notices the effect of the air flow towards Cristina.  Unknown to her, it reminds Cristina -  the vent , that moments with Owen in the vent, the air, the steam -  that clears her  head.

Cristina: Owen is the great love of my life. It may sound clichéd to describe your husband but I guess that’s just how I can easily define him.  He is a man of his words, a noble doctor and soldier, a great husband, a good kisser and great performer *Cristina laughs as she said this, Owen is her husband so of course sex life will be mentioned.*  He is a good father to Theo and Morgan, very patient and loving.  I saved him and he saved me.

The therapist notices that Cristina describes her husband in a perfect way and of course in her field – it will always have an alternative connotation.

Therapist : Owen appears to be a perfect husband and father.

Cristina : I guess.  

Therapist:  and you said that you saved him and he saved you? Is this an accident?

Cristina:  No. It was when we have PTSD, not at the same time though. He had it first from the war then he somewhat recovers, then because of a shooting incident I had a PTSD and he helped through it. When I had another PTSD due to airplane crash, he was there with me all the time. He saves me more that I saved him before

Therapist :  and how about now?  You said there’s something wrong with you, do you think he cannot save you? That’s why you left?

Cristina: He changed. Not in a bad way, but when we had kids – he changed and I guess it changed me too. We both changed…. Or I completely changed because of him.

Therapist: and you are unhappy with that change?

Cristina: I am not…

Cristina looks at the window behind her and feel the gust of air, then looks at her shrink’s eyes directly.

Cristina: Yes, I am unhappy with the change in this life I have…that I did not see coming.

Therapist: And can I know what is that change?

Cristina: When I chose to have a family with him.  Instead of two Harper Averys or Two groundbreaking medical research, I have two kids - Theo, Morgan... Me as someone’s mother instead as a full time surgeon that is the change that makes me unhappy. I think i regret to choose the life I have now. I thought I will make us happier and better but in the end I just loose it and now I blew it.

As Cristina speaks, her tone in denoting every word is much stronger an her eyes is moistened by the tears. She feel the gust of air again, sighed deeply and slowly calms down.

Therapist: I am glad that you can verbalize that, Cristina.  This will lead us in a better place. So now, have a relaxing weekend, take a walk , have some chocolates and I’ll see you next week.

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A/N : Share me your thoughts of this chapter! Thanks.  😊