Remorse // g.d.

xxiv.

Listen to Waves by Dean Lewis for this chapter

A few more days have passed, and we've reached almost two weeks into the whole catfish catastrophe. After Cam and Chris decided to give me advice, I told them I needed more time on how to confront this error I've committed. I needed to plan out on how I was going to speak to Grayson about this situation. How I was going to admit what I did was wrong, and what can I do to make up for it.

But, I honestly think there's not going to be a chance between Grayson and me. Grayson cannot be with a girl like me who thinks hurting others who hurt her is the best route to go. He deserves someone who won't hurt him. I'm too toxic for him. I'm not good enough. Why is it that everything goes wrong whenever we're with each other? It's almost like a sign that says we're not compatible for each other. As much as I want to be with Grayson, I don't think it's going to happen.

I should just let it go. Let him go.

But before that, I need to talk to him and receive that closure. I honestly think it's a mature thing to do. I give a phone call to Cameron, needing a female perspective of this issue.

"Hey Ella, how's everything going?"

"Not so well. I'm not sure how to confront Grayson. I'm nervous about the whole thing. I'm scared that I won't receive closure. I'm scared how he'll react once he finds out."

"Grayson isn't in his best place right now. I know it's nerve-wracking, I mean coming face to face with a problem that you created. I hope he understands through your perspective, I mean that's what he's always tried doing since you two were young. He's been distant with us. I get he's mad at us, but he hasn't tried talking to us whatsoever. It's so awkward during dinner, you can cut the tension with a knife."

"Cameron this is my fault. I'm so sorry that I dragged you and Ethan into this situation. You don't deserve to have your brother despise you for something someone wanted you to do. You don't deserve to have your relationships strained because of a petty choice I had."

"Ella, it's okay. I get that you wanted to get back at Grayson. I get he hurt you badly and you still live with the burden. Grayson hurt you, okay? I get why you would do this. I get why I'd hop in. Grayson used my photos without my permission or me being aware, to manipulate others into his charm. I know he's my brother and he doesn't deserve to get hurt, but I mean he saw this coming. Didn't you tell him that you were getting revenge?"

I start to think of snippets of the time Grayson confronted me after the incident.

"Ella!"

I turn around once again. "What do you want?"

He looks at me, speechless. "I- I'm sorry for what I did."

I can't remember what I was saying, at this moment. I was yelling at him and letting out all of my anger on him. For what he did to me. All I can recall, for now, is saying, 

"I hope karma strikes you because what goes around, comes around. You showed me utter betrayal."

"I told him that karma was going to strike him. I just didn't know at the moment that I'd get him back using the same thing he did to me. I hate how I'm carrying the guilt. I just want to come clean to Grayson. It's been almost two weeks now. I want to get rid of this burden and leave back to London in peace as I'm going to be attending university now. Overall, this summer has been a difficult one. But it still was an unforgettable summer. I mean I now realize that I have some unfinished business that I was so scared to confront. I just wish I knew how I'm going to confront Grayson."

"You two will work it out, trust me. Grayson's always in his room now. Either that, or he's skateboarding somewhere. If I knew where he'd be, I'd tell you. But like I said, he's not on speaking terms with Ethan and I. He won't even open the door to our parents. By now, we're supposed to be hugging it out. I'm guessing he's actually in pain."

"I'm gonna go to the park now to think on what I can do to fix this situation. I'll talk to you later."

"Be careful, it's late out."

"Thank you."

I hang up the call and I grab my penny board. Yes, like every indie person on Tumblr, I do also own a penny board. But, it's not for aesthetic purposes. See, I would always go to London with my board and chill by the London Eye Pier where I can see the Big Ben. I'd then get some frozen yogurt as I went on my way home. I first got a huge yell from Chris who thought I ran away the first time I did this. Like I'd run away. Either way, I was too busy eating my fro-yo to hear the entire lecture. From then on, it was always my favorite place to be.

I yell at whoever's in the house that I was going to the park. I plop my skateboard on the pavement and I skated down the streets. I noticed that not a lot of things changed around here while I was gone. I decided to stop by a fast food restaurant and order myself a meal. After eating my food, I went skating towards the park. When I reached the park, I grab my skateboard and sit on the bench. When I sit there, I see a familiar hairstyle, and I knew it was Grayson.

I grab my phone and text Cameron.

Grayson's in the park.

Cameron replies,

Good luck!!!! Watch out for the sharks. No, but seriously. I hope it works out for you two.

I begin to walk up towards Grayson. I tap on his shoulder and he turns around. He frowns when he sees me.

"Hey," I say to break the ice.

No reply.

I sigh. "Look, I know it was wrong for me to lead you on like that. I get that it was an immature thing to do. But, I admit my motives were due to my feelings going all over the place and I wanted you to feel the same way I did. Not with sadness or anything. But I wanted you to be happy that you saw me, which sounds weird. But Grayson, I'm sorry for what I did. I really am. I know how devastated you are, and I want to know what can I do make things better. I also hope that you'd make up with your siblings because you all need each other no matter what errors were committed. I-"

He starts to walk away when I grab his forearm.

The flashback of the confrontation comes back to me.

As I'm walking in the hallway, I hear someone running and my name is being called. Then, my elbow is being held.

I snap back into reality and exhale for what I'm about to say. "I know what I'm saying isn't probably relevant to you right now. But I hope this is relevant. Grayson, I know we've had our ups and downs. I know this won't help you calm down, but Grayson. I miss you."

I then finally say what I wanted to say. "And, I love you."

"I-I can't," Grayson finally says. 

He walks away from me and I look at the best thing that's happened to me, walk away from a mess I can't fix.

-----

I want to make a Grayson x Ella edit but it's so hard to make it. Anyways, I hope you guys enjoy this. I start my senior year next week, lol rip me.

Vote and comment on this chapter!