The REALM OF CRITIQUES

Inside

Author: Hartesguurl

Cover:

It's a nice cover and looks suitable for its genre, with a dramatic and romantic feel to it. Maybe it would look better without the faded image of the brooding guy, but maybe not. There's space for a nice tagline too, if there's something good to go under or above the title? The author name could be a bit brighter so it doesn't blend in with the background so much. 

Blurb:

It works well and effectively gives the impression of what the story is about. I couldn't help but feel that it sounds quite cliche however, but then that doesn't take anything away from the story. A good story is a good story. Maybe there could be something more included, to make it stand more on its own and sound more unique? I did want to know a little more about why she takes such an interest in Shane too. The trick with these kinds of stories is to really make us believe the romance, more than just saying 'he's hot/I like him'. 

The first sentence could be removed, as it says the same thing as the next, longer sentence, and I don't think anything will be lost if the first sentence goes (with some tweaking of the second one). Also a general wonder - as a fan fiction story, I didn't see any mention of a celebrity or existing property that it would be a fan fiction of. Or maybe I missed something. Overall it's a well put together blurb.

Chapter:

First thing that caught my eye: 'He saw the darkness in her beauty' - I wonder if that points to her not being such a nice person, and that he likes that she has a dark side? The line sounds both good and slightly off.

The prologue felt a little unecessary, as it's mostly just an expansion of the blurb.

The first chapter could do with a little scene setting before we get into the dialogue - or mix the scene setting in with the dialogue - so that the characters don't start by talking in an empty world we can't picture. It would be nice to settle in with the 2 characters a little more before we get to the college too. Get a hint at their personalities, their relationship, and what their lives are like before everything changes. When they get to the college, a little description of the outside and the building would be nice too. Saying the scenery is amazing or that the building is huge is not really enough for a reader to paint a picture. Help us see what you're seeing.

Some insights into the characters heads would be good, especially when Kayla leaves her mother. How does she feel? What is the moment like? How does her mother seem? Think about if you were in that situation and what you would feel like, or how a mother would be. You could really build up the dramatic tension and emotion of the scenes, as it's quite a big moment in their lives.

Maybe it would be better if the first person she meets isn't the main mean hot guy, but a different character? You could work your way up to him. Let her settle into her school world a little first, and then introduce him to rock her world. Or maybe she just notices him from a far to start with and is a little intrigued. When he does speak, he comes across as very rude, more so than I think you might want. Maybe at least give him some kind of redeeming quality, like he has sad eyes or seems to feel bad at snapping at her, like he has something else on his mind. 

There could be a stronger ending to the first chapter. Something to hook the reader and make them want to turn the page immediately. A hint at something bigger to come, or some tension/drama. Maybe she looks out the window and sees the mean guy for the first time and is instantly intrigued. Having her just unpack her bag feels a little like a weak ending to the chapter, where your main goal should be to hook the reader as much as you can.

Generally it sets the story up well, but it could do with a lot more character work and descriptions, thoughts, senses, feelings, to really build up who these characters are and what their world is like.

Best of luck with the story!