The REALM OF CRITIQUES

A Race Against Death

Author:

@Browneyed_Writer

Cover:

The cover has a nice steamy feel to it, which likely shows us what kind of story to expect. The woman is almost pulling away from the man, despite their close embrace, and so there is a hint of the danger that comes with the title. It's not very cluttered, and is a simple and effective cover.

Blurb:

We get a good sense of the story and what kind of tone to expect. I'm not sure if the dialogue scene is necessary, as it doesn't really give us much more than what the blurb itself conveys. If there was something in the dialogue section that made this story unique or something that grabs us in (someone looking at a dead body is fairly standard for a murder story), that could be stronger. It's especially a bit more redundant when we realise the scene is the very opening of the story.

Some of the sentences are a bit wordy, which tells me that the main story will be wordy also, and so trimming a sentence down to as few words as possible should help out there - not enough to make things sound wierd, but enough that we're told something quickly and succinctly.

Look out for repetition like 'witness to a murder' twice. 'One of the infamous gang leader Allen' can be worded better, and 'With her life now at stake...' ends up as not a complete sentence.

The final line describing it as 'hilarious' sounded odd, as nothing beforehand hinted at a hilarious story. Rather than telling us it's a 'hilarious romantic crazy action packed thrilling adventure', it could be better to show us that by how you describe the story, and let us think of those descriptions for ourselves.

It does make it sound like an interesting and enjoyable story, so that is working well for it.

Chapter:

The beginning scenes seem to move fairly quickly, where we could get a bit more information. How does this woman feel about seeing the dead body and being taken to the station? Can we get a little insight into who she is and what her life is like, what she is thinking?

There's alot of tense shifts to look out for. Keep in mind what tense the writing is in and give the story a good look over. 'I close my eyes and exhaled slowly' has two tenses, for example.

Be aware of some of that repetition I mentioned earlier. '"I know what you saw was traumatising but I'm going to need you to tell me what you saw." The repetition of 'what you saw' can be noticeable by many readers, even if they don't fully realise it, and especially when there are other instances of repeated words.

If she heard the killers mention having someone on the inside at the station, maybe she wouldn't be so willing to reveal that? Because maybe she's talking to their man on the inside. It would be more realistic for her to think this but not say it to him. And holding things back would make a story more compelling, rather than giving the reader everything out in the open.

Does the suspected killer have to look like an attractive model? It feels a bit cliche for everyone to be attractive (or highly unattractive). Maybe his eyes could be somewhat attractive, under different circumstances, but I'm not sure if she would be thinking that in the moment.

Is it just for convenience sake that the speakers allow her to hear the police conversation? It could be better if we don't hear their conversation (so we don't have everything given to us easily) and Logan comes in and introduces himself to us, and so we only know as much as the woman does.

I'm not sure if eye colour is such an important factor all the time, I would suggest only telling us that information if and when it's relevent. Better to stick to broad strokes of descriptions - tall and broad shouldered and confident, thin with bony shoulders and tense brows. That's enough information we need to go on when first meeting a character. But if someone's eyes are a dominant part of their features then it's okay to mention them of course.

It doesn't seem very professional for Logan to outwardly show his contempt towards her. Wouldn't he have some control and experience with professionalism, rather than coming across as a spoilt kid? It also feels strange for them not to say a single word the entire trip back to his place. That sounds more like a convenience for the author rather than something that could realistically happen (not to say it's not possible to travel in total silence). Him having a guest room with guest items also feels very convenient. What if he had a small bachelor pad that was messy and he really wasn't prepared for having someone over? Ways of adding more conflict and problems can really strengthen a story, rather than things happening easily.

How does she feel about being taken out of her life and forced to be with this man? We could have a lot more of her thoughts and feelings and how she thinks about things, to tell us alot more about who she is.

It certainly is a compelling place to start a story, and there are enough questions to keep a reader going and want to read on. The tension between the two characters is also good to see.

Hope those notes help. Best of luck with the story!