Are You Still There?

Chapter 28

* Chapter 28: Don't Pass Me By *

George would've walked me home had it not been that we passed by someone. That Someone was John..
His eyes were half opened, and his stride was off. He smiled lazily when he noticed me, but furrowed his brows when he noticed George.
His once beautiful brown eyes had morphed into dark almost black eyes. His smile camas hide as he came closer to recognize that our arms were still locked.
"John? I thought you were home?" I said as I walked over to kiss his cheek before I smelled the alcohol on him. "I was. Why are you with George?" He asked coldly. "Oh, he needed advice on how to break up with Alicia. And I wanted to catch up with him since we never see him anymore." I explained before taking a few steps back.
John nodded and walked closer to George. "Did you touch her?" He slurred. "No." George tensed up. "Alright, well I'll walk with Lucy from here now. Good Bye George, see you later." John spoke as he slugged his arm around my shoulders.
"John it's ok, I'm almost home, I can walk from here." I mumbled. He turned to me as George slowly walked away. "Why? Don't you want me to walk with you?" John asked, raising his voice in anger. "No, you're drunk." I spoke louder letting him remove his arm off of me. "So? I like to drink, what's wrong with that Lucy." John replied. "I'll call you tomorrow if you want." I suggested trying to walk home. John grabbed my hand and pulled me back forcefully before sloppily crashing his lips against mine. "John! Stop." I raised my voice as I pushed him away. John walked quickly towards me and forced me against him, "Listen, if I want to see you, I'll see you. If I want to shag you, then I will now shut up and let me kiss you." John spoke lowly his eyes piercing into mine.
Out of instinct I slapped him, "No John! You don't tell me what to do, why? Because I'm not your fucking bitch. And if you want me, then act like it." I let go of his strong grip and walked away. "Good bye John." I spat. He looked at me, shocked.
I turned around and walked away, trying not to look back. Maybe George was right, maybe he was becoming a different person.
Maybe this wasn't a good idea.

*******

When I finally got home, my parents had gone to sleep. I walked up the stairs and to the bathroom. As I was about to remove my makeup I noticed my blackened eyes. My mascara was running. My tears, smearing my face. The reflection in the mirror wasn't beautiful. I wasn't beautiful. I never was, nor will I ever be beautiful. The mistakes that I have done was that I believed I was.
I wiped the mascara and the rest of my makeup off of my face and went to my room.
I walked through the empty hallway, thanking that my parents' bedroom was actually downstairs. Yes, this house is set up strangely. The master bedroom was downstairs down the hall past the kitchen, and my bedroom plus the guest room was upstairs.
I got inside my room and turned on the light. I looked around my room. My eyes wandered around until they hit the dresser. I walked towards the piece of furniture and opened the top drawer. Looking at the now opened drawer made me sigh in both relief, and horror. I took that sealed bag and picked it up.
I quickly turned around to my door. I can't do this.. Not here at least..
I got my coat and put the bag in it's pocket. I put it on and quietly (and quickly) walked out of the house. I didn't really know where I'd end up but I felt like walking. I took the bag out careful of not letting anyone see me.
The bag was small and had little brown papers, already rolled up. I took one of the rolled up papers and took a lighter out. I lit it and began to smoke the green substance that was being held in by the brown paper.
I took a long drag from the drug and tried to hold it in until I exhaled. I closed my eyes and smiled before inhaling into it. The moon was nowhere insight due to clouds covering it, I think. My vision began to overlap, my other senses began to trick each other. Playing mind games so I never knew if I felt green or saw it. If I saw hot or felt it. I sat at a nearby bench, smoking the joint.
I let the smoke release slowly from my mouth. I needed this. The release I had been dying for, the release I had been growing desperate for. Everything I had been worried about was slipping away.

I was slipping away...

But honestly, I didn't care, it's not like I felt it anyways. I took another joint and lit it once the first had been finished. I closed my eyes and let my imagination run loose.
My senses over lapping one another, fighting to be in control. My imagination setting the arena that would allow one sense to be the winner out of the others. I think I saw someone walk past me, but I wasn't too sure.
I think I heard something come near me but I wasn't too sure.
I think I felt someone nudge me but I wasn't too sure if it were my imagination. I felt an odd feeling in my chest when that something left. Like I was abandoned. I laughed.
I was always abandoned, why did I care now? It's not like it mattered to me. I was always alone. Or at least I liked it that way.
My eyes were watery, not from crying though. I was laughing too hard that I never fully cared that everyone left.
I was alone, and I was fine with that. No, I wasn't fine with it, but right now I was having a fun time being with myself, aside from the joint.
I took the joint and inhaled it again. I sighed in relief. I was letting the drug overcome my entire body, engulfing the realization that this was bliss. My bliss came from one little object, one little piece of brown paper rolling up the beautiful green substance was my bliss. The only thing was that something began to chew away at that bliss.
The one thing that I didn't want to crawl into my mind did. The one person that I didn't want to be in my thoughts did.
John was getting inside again.
I stopped my laughter and inhaled again.
John. His beautiful face appeared in front of me. I reached out, but I didn't feel him. I shut my eyes, he was still there. "John?" I whispered. Suddenly, I heard his laughter. I looked around frantically looking for him. Nowhere. He was nowhere. I sat up and tried to collect my thoughts.
Why? Why did have to be John? Why couldn't I have seen someone else? It wouldn't have made this seem wrong. This was my pleasure, the thing that made my frown vanish. I've done lots of things, this being one of them, and nothing, nothing has ever made me more happier than I am smoking this.
Why did have to be John? At this moment, that seemed to be question. Why did I have to love him? Why did he have to become insecure? Why did I not know why I loved John anymore? I was so damn certain why I loved him, and now.. I don't. This image I had built for him and why I loved was so clear, and perfect. Now, it seemed as if Picasso had painted the new image of him. Lost, and yet beautiful.
He made me happy, and now he didn't. If I thought of I him my cheeks would heat up, but I think they only got colder. I inhaled the last of the joint and buried the two joints into the ground.
I got up, and attempted to walk again. My high was beginning to wear off thankfully. I noticed that it was barely midnight so I went to the cavern. I entered and saw John, drinking.
I sighed and tapped his shoulder. "Hey." I smiled faintly.
Maybe my high wasn't completely worn off because if I were sober, I wouldn't have done this, but I wanted to talk to him.
No, I needed to talk to him.
He turned around, his eyes still blackened, his face paler than normal. His lips lost color. But his lips curved up at the corners, forming a perfect smile.
"Hey, I thought you were going home?" He asked.