The Shady Adventures of Fabian

Chapter 25

There was ample evidence of the pirates' passage in the form of trampled down foliage. "Keep your ears peeled for any sounds of yo ho ho's or bottles of rum," Fabian said. "I want to sneak up on these guys, grab the cat, and be gone before they know what hit them."

He heard a twig snap behind them and came to an abrupt stop. "Wait a second, my finely tuned ears tell me that wasn't the sound of a foot stepping on a twig. No, that was much closer to the sound it would make if a piece of wood broke another piece of wood. Almost as if somebody with a peg-leg had stepped on it." He whirled around and saw Patrice the pirate captain standing behind him with a powder musket of some sort pointed at his head.

"Arrr. So you've returned have ye? Trying to steal more of me treasure, eh?"

"Steal me treasure. Steal me treasure. Squawk!" the parrot on his shoulder said.

"Look pal, we're not looking for any trouble here. You've got a kitty cat that belongs to a close personal friend of mine. So, if you don't mind I'll just take it and be on my way. You guys can bury your treasure in peace and you won't be hearing any more of me ever again."

"Arrr, yes. I was planning on feeding that mangy beast to Polly here. But then it gave me a nasty scratch on me good hand and took off running into the forest."

"Hold on," Fabian said. "So you're telling me you don't have the cat any more? You let it run off into the woods and who the hell knows where it is now?"

"Aye, matey. That be about the gist of it."

"Well then what the hell good are you? Stupid worthless pirates. You just cost me a lot of money, mister. You know that? Come on, Scrote. Tree lady. Let's get out of here."

"Not so fast, matey," Patrice said. "Ye be knowing the location of me buried treasure."

"What, that chest from earlier?" Fabian asked. "You think I remember where the hell that is? I've been wandering through this stupid enchanted forest for days. I'm all turned around. I don't know where that X is that marks the spot."

"Ye be standing on top of it right now."

Fabian looked down. Sure enough, there was a big X right underneath his feet. "Oh yeah. There it is. Well, I wouldn't have known where it was if some idiot hadn't told me. By the way, did you ever figure out between you and that leprechaun who got to bury their treasure here?"

"Aye. I killed the leprechaun and stole his pot of gold. Now it's my treasure. And now I will kill you, too."

"Uh, sir, I think we're completely surrounded by pirates," Brandon spoke up.

"And we no longer fear your tree ghost woman since she can do us no harm," Patrice said with a snarl. "But my crew and I can do a lot of harm to you."

"Well, now you've gone and done it. You've pissed Scrote off. I wouldn't want to be you right now. Go get 'em Scrote."

"Gosh, there's an awful lot of them, sir."

"That didn't stop you before. Rage out again and get kicking some ass."

"I'm sorry. I'm just kind of more scared than angry right now. Plus, I haven't really had a chance to practice with this cutlass yet. To be honest, I'm not really sure how to use it."

"You see that end? It's pointy and sharp. You swing it around and you poke things with it. Now go swing it as hard as you can." He shoved Brandon suddenly and unexpectedly towards the pirate captain.

Brandon closed his eyes and swung the cutlass. He heard a popping noise followed by a loud thump. He opened one of his eyes and saw the pirate's head rolling across the ground, distinctly separate from the rest of his body which was flopped on the ground.

"Squawk! Get him off of me! Get him off of me! Squawk!"

"Uh, what?" Brandon asked as he blinked his eyes.

"Nice job, Scrote. You beheaded him. And then his body landed on top of his annoying parrot."

"Poor parrot," Brandon said as he rolled the pirate's body to the side. Polly emerged in a burst of brightly colored feathers and flew off into the trees.

"Don't waste time on that," Fabian said. "There are lots of other bloodthirsty pirates here to contend with."

"I don't think we have much to worry about from them," the dryad said softly.

Fabian gazed around in bewilderment. All of the pirates had dropped their weapons, fallen to their knees, and began bowing to the ground.

"What is going on here?"

"Whoever kills the pirate captain becomes the pirate captain," one of the pirates explained. "All hail our new captain!"

"And not just any ordinary captain," one of the other pirates shouted. "All hail the king of all pirates!"

"Huzzah!" the pirates shouted and leaped up. They rushed over and began shaking Brandon's hand.

"What, you mean Scrote?" Fabian asked. "He can't be your king. I should be your king. I've always wanted to be a pirate king. Hell, I've wanted to be a king of anything. I think giving orders sounds fun. Besides, if you think about it, I'm the one who killed Patrice. I shoved the kid at him. He just happened to be holding a sword which I deftly aimed."

"Shut up, ya landlubber," one of the pirates said as he shoved Fabian aside.

"I'm not sure my pa would be happy with me being a pirate king," Brandon said. "I think he might even be disappointed in me."

"Well, that's exactly why you need to relinquish the title to me," Fabian said. "I don't even know who my dad is. I'm perfect for this gig. Or if they won't accept me as their captain and king, let me be the power behind the throne. The puppetmaster who pulls your strings, if you will. You can start by ordering them to dig up their buried treasure chest and giving us the loot. Digging's hard work, so let's let them do it for us. Then, since you were so kind as to decapitate Patrice here, we'll take his head back into town and collect the reward money. And, what the hell, while we're at it, we'll find some cat that looks like Oogums, pass it off as the real deal and collect the reward money from the rich countess as well. This couldn't work out more perfectly."

"I think we should use the extra manpower we now have at our disposal to go find the real Oogums," Brandon said. "I'd hate for that poor countess to lose her beloved pet."

"Didn't you just hear what I just said?" Fabian asked. "There's nothing 'poor' about that countess. She's rich beyond your wildest imaginings. Flat out filthy rich. No, we're going to take her for all she's worth. She's going to pay an arm and a leg for a fake cat and she's going to like it, damn it."

"That just doesn't seem right to me," Brandon said. "Men, as your captain, I order you to fan out and look for that cat."

"This is unbelievable," Fabian muttered. "All right. We'll find the real cat. But even with all these pirates, this is a mighty big forest. This could take awhile. In the meantime, why don't I take Patrice's head back to town and get paid? I'll, uh, be sure to give you your fair share."

"That's a good idea," the dryad said. "I'll go with you and keep you honest."

"I'm as honest as they come," Fabian said. "I find you obnoxious and a pain in the ass. See? That's honesty."

"And I find you to be an ugly, dimwitted, pathetic excuse for a man," the dryad said. "We're both honest. But I'm going to make sure you're extra honest when dealing with the kid."

"You really think I'd cheat a nice young innocent boy like that? What kind of person do you take me for? Never mind, don't answer that. Let's just get out of here, if you really insist on coming."

"I do," the dryad said as she floated along after him.