The Shady Adventures of Fabian

Chapter 60

The bed was quite possibly even more comfortable than advertised and Fabian had the best night of sleep he'd had in years. He was in the middle of a dream in which three blonde serving wenches were feeding him grapes as he laid on a mountain of gold when he was awoken by a knock at the door. "Yeah?" he called out. "What do you want? I'm sleeping in here!"

The door opened and Brandon poked his face into the room. "Oh, there you are, sir. I've been looking all over for you. I didn't know you had changed rooms. Are you ready to depart? The princess Wartha awaits her imminent rescue from the clutches of that evil wizard."

"Nah, I won't be doing that. Now get out of here so I can get back to my dream."

"Uh, excuse me, sir?"

"Did I stutter, Scrote? I said scram."

"I don't understand, sir. Why do you want to stay here?"

"Maybe you haven't heard, but I'm a pretty big deal around this place. Gareth recognized my obvious superiority to him in all things, not to mention my wit and wisdom. He immediately gave up his position as chief advisor to the king and offered it to me. So now I pretty much run this place. It's about time I was offered a position worthy of my talents. Now get out of here before I have you arrested and thrown in the dungeon."

"Oh, so that's why Gareth seemed so happy. I was wondering why he had broken out the best wine so early in the morning and was offering me a celebratory drink."

"Obviously he's thrilled that someone as great as I am has come along and graced him with his presence."

"I don't think it's that, sir. You see, I was talking to some of the servants last night and it seems the kingdom of Therosh has an ancient tradition that when its king dies, the chief advisor to the king is executed along with him for failing in his duty to keep the king alive."

"Say what now?" Fabian asked.

"Apparently it's a brutal and gruesome death. First they cut off your genitals. Then they hang you by your neck just until you're on the brink of dying. Then they cut you down, disembowel you, and then have you drawn and quartered in the main square."

"Wait a minute. Why is this the first I'm hearing about all of this?" Fabian asked.

"I don't know, sir. It seems like it's particularly relevant information given that word among the servants is the king isn't expected to live out the rest of the week."

"What? Doesn't the weekend start, like, tomorrow?"

"I believe you're right, sir. The king must be in really bad shape."

"This must just be a bad coincidence. I'm sure Gareth legitimately recognized my skills and thought the king was on the verge of bouncing back. Because obviously if anyone should be a king's advisor it's me."

"Well, I've heard that the king's chief advisor would be the person who knew best the status of the king's health."

"Are you trying to suggest that Gareth intentionally relinquished his role as chief advisor to the king to me because he knew the king was about to die and I would get executed in his place?"

"Uh, I'm pretty sure that's exactly what he did, sir."

"Damn it! That lousy no good lying underhanded piece of ogre dung! He'll pay for this! But that's not the top priority at the moment. I need to get someone else to take the position of chief advisor before the king croaks. Say, you don't want the job by chance, do you Scrote?"

"Sorry, sir, but I'm going to have to respectfully decline."

"For the love of Balthazaar," Fabian grumbled as he jumped out of bed and pulled on his clothes. "Forget what I said before. I'm coming with you to complete our quest just as soon as I can dump this job on some other sucker." He tore out of the room and took off down the hallway. A butler of some sort at the far end of the hall made eye contact with him for a second before turning around and hastily leaving in the other direction.

"Get back here, you!" Fabian shouted. "I want to offer you a job!" He didn't see anyone else as he reached the end of the hall and descended one of the spiral staircases into the grand entryway. He threw open the front door and ran out into the courtyard where he almost ran smack into Irwin the guard.

"Irwin! Just the man I've been looking for!"

"Good morning to you, too," Irwin said. "What can I do you for?"

"Listen, my good man, have I got the opportunity of a lifetime for you. Gareth named me chief advisor to the king last night as you may have heard, but upon further reflection it occurs to me that I cannot in good conscience abandon my quest. As much as I'd like to stay around here and provide advice to the king for many, many years, it would be a stain upon my honor to let that poor princess suffer the torments inflicted on her by the evil wizard for even a second longer than necessary. So as much as it pains me to do so, I'm going to have to give up the position of chief advisor to His Majesty. So, congratulations, big guy. You're moving up in the world."

Irwin started laughing hysterically. "Sorry, pal. I like being a guard. Plus everyone knows the king is going to leave this mortal coil in a matter of hours. And then the spectacle of the chief advisor's public execution will take place shortly after that. I wager you'll be dead before dinnertime. Sucks to be you, pal."

"I'm very disappointed in you, Irwin. If you're happy being a lowly little pissant guard for the rest of your life, be my guest. By the way, I hereby decree on behalf of His Majesty that all guard wages are henceforth cut in half. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some urgent business for the king to conduct outside the walls of the castle."

Irwin opened the gates and Fabian ran out into the street, looking around wildly in all directions. There didn't seem to be many people out and about, although he did spot a little beggar boy sitting by the wall. "Hello, sir. Can you spare a couple shillings?"

"Where are your parents, kid?" Fabian asked.

"I don't have any parents, sir. I'm an orphan."

"I see. And where do you sleep at night?"

"In the warmest, driest, street corner I can find, sir."

"Wow, that sucks. Say, how'd you like to sleep in that nice warm castle over there in a big comfy bed?"

"Are you pulling my leg, sir? That would be beyond my wildest dreams!"

"Looks like it's your lucky day, kid. Because I can make that happen. All you have to do is agree to be chief advisor to the king."

"Oh, I'm not sure if I can do that, sir. What business does a little orphaned beggar boy like me have giving advice to a king? It's a nice offer, but I just don't think I'm qualified."

"Nonsense," Fabian said. "I mean, you're not as qualified as I am, but you strike me as a bright kid who can learn quickly and has a really incredible future in front of you."

"Really, sir?" the beggar boy asked. "You really think that?"

"I sure do. So what do you say, kid? Or should I say 'sir' since you'll have earned that title and the respect that goes with it once you're a bigwig royal advisor."

"All right, sir. I accept your offer. I'll be chief advisor to the king!"

"Oh, that's excellent news, kid. I promise you won't live to regret this decision. Now let's go get you in the castle and let everyone know there's a new chief advisor to the king!"