The Shady Adventures of Fabian

Chapter 51

They didn't encounter any giants on their journey that day. They did pass by a small village full of peasants who stared at them with their mouths hanging open. Fabian figured they were obviously in awe of being in the presence of a legendary hero such as himself, but then Sir Mikael informed him there had been some sort of industrial accident in these parts many years ago and the inhabitants of the local villages were renowned for being a little "slow." Nonetheless they managed to score a decent meal from the village as well as a nice supply of rations for their journey.

They passed a couple small lakes and one river that had been turned to tar by the wizard Delroy, but eventually they came across a little freshwater pond that hadn't been touched and Sir Mikael called a stop for the night.

"We have made good progress today, gentlemen," he said. "I believe we will reach our destination on the morrow."

"If the giant doesn't kill us," Fabian said.

"Yes, of course that is assuming that we are not thwarted in our quest by a giant or any other unanticipated monsters we might encounter. Fabian, would you like to take the first watch?"

"No, I would not," Fabian said as he plopped himself down and broke into the rations.

"Perhaps you might take the second watch then?" he asked.

"Nah, I don't think I'll be doing that. You and Scrote can handle the watch business. I need to be well rested so I can pick out the best loot at the castle. Might need to case the joint and see if there are any vaults worth breaking into."

"We are going to receive a blessing from the man, not rob him," Sir Mikael said.

"Hey, you seek out your form of blessing, I'll seek out mine."

"I'm sure you are saying such things in jest," Sir Mikael said. "Forgive me. I've been told that a sense of humor is not among my stronger suits."

"Yeah, I've noticed," Fabian said. "You're, like, seriously boring. It's a good thing you've got food gathering skills or there's no way in hell I'd be associated with a chump like you."

"That's a jest as well, yes?" Sir Mikael asked. "You are, as they say, 'ripping on me' all in good fun?"

"Sure. Absolutely. All in fun. In fact, you should try it. Go ahead. Say something mean about me. Show me what you've got."

"Okay, very well," Sir Mikael said. "You are ugly and you smell bad. And I don't believe you are very bright either. Ooo. This feels quite naughty, but I must admit it is jolly good fun. I shall have to practice it some more."

"Try it out on Scrote," Fabian said. "He's fun to rip on. Trust me, I can personally attest to it."

"Okay," Sir Mikael said as he turned to face Brandon. "Young man, you are quite inexperienced and have much to learn about the ways of the world, which is not uncommon for someone of your age."

"Gosh, I suppose that's probably true," Brandon said.

"Yeah, that sucked," Fabian said. "You've got to do it with some real feeling. Pick out some physical flaw the person has that they're probably sensitive about and hone in on that. Observe the master at work, if you will. Hey Scrote! Your head is too big for your body and it makes you look stupid. I mean I've seen some big heads in my day, but you look like someone took a really big pumpkin and put some hair and a stupid looking face on it. Also you look kind of like you were the product of incest. I'd guess there was some sibling fucking going on somewhere in your ancestry. Or maybe your grandpa and your mom had a little bit too close of a daddy-daughter relationship, if you catch my drift. Either way you're one funky looking dude and no chick is ever going to touch you with a ten foot pole unless you pay them a lot of money. Or maybe if you have a sister. Like I said, incest probably runs in your family, so a sister might be your best bet at finding a mate. Especially if she's as weird looking as you."

"Actually I do have a baby sister," Brandon said. "Her name is Cecily and she's four years old. Poor thing's probably worried sick about me. I don't even want to think about how angry my Pa must be right about now. And my Ma is probably staying up all night crying and wondering where I am. Gosh. Will I ever see my family again, Master Fabian?"

"How the hell should I know?" Fabian asked. "Stop asking stupid questions and take the first watch, Scrote. Some of us are tired and would like to get some sleep. After all, we've got a king to meet tomorrow and hopefully rob blind."

"Ha ha," Sir Mikael chuckled. "You jest yet again. I think I am starting to become attuned to your sense of humor. Also your mother was promiscuous and slept with many men with poor hygiene."

Fabian whipped out his dagger and held it against Sir Mikael's throat. "Don't talk about my mama, you pathetic little excuse for a horse jockey. I will cut you. Also your mom must have paid the drunkest dude at the bar at closing time a lot of shillings just to conceive you. Because I have it on good authority that bitch is nasty looking. And also likes to perform deviant acts on animals."

Sir Mikael clapped his hands gleefully. "That was a good one, old chap. A real 'sick burn,' as they say. Ripping on your mates really is marvelous fun. Thank you so much for introducing me to this pastime."

"You're welcome," Fabian said as he slowly sheathed his dagger. "Now I'll tell you one thing I'm not jesting about and that's the fact that I'm planning on getting a full night's sleep. So shut your stupid faces and let a guy catch a few z's, you chumps got that?"

Brandon and Sir Mikael exchanged looks and nodded.

"Good. And breakfast better be ready by the time I wake up."