The Shady Adventures of Fabian

Chapter 31

Fabian smacked his lips and rubbed his eyes as he emerged from a deep slumber.

"You're finally awake," Druvidia observed.

"What are you talking about 'finally' awake? I just got a little drowsy for a second there. I fought it off with my mighty constitution."

"You were out for almost seventeen hours," she said. "You slept clear through the night and well into the morning."

"I see. Well, I'm sure it was a well deserved rest after all of my heroic feats and exploits of yesterday. Uh, what's that godawful stench?"

"That would be you. You're still covered in orc entrails. Also there's a rotting orc corpse about three feet away from you."

"Oh gross," Fabian said and proceeded to puke again. "Please tell me there's a stream or a river or something nearby I can wash off in."

"There's a small pond filled with stagnant water a short way from here. It's a veritable breeding ground for mosquitos, but I think it's the best you're going to do at the moment."

"Take me to this pond immediately. I'd rinse off in a sewer right now if that's what it took to get this orc stink off of me."

The pond smelled only slightly better than Fabian did and was filled with murky dark green water. As promised, there were swarms of small biting insects all around it. Nonetheless, Fabian submerged himself entirely in the pond and felt remarkably refreshed afterward, although he did have to pluck a gigantic leech out of his armpit.

"Young Brandon and his men are a short walk from here," Druvidia said. "Shall we go to him now?"

"Yes we shall," Fabian said. "By the way those should be my men. I should be the rightful pirate king. I bet I could score a lot of ladies with that title."

They made their way into a clearing dominated by a large stone temple covered in ivy. Brandon was standing outside the entrance talking to three pirates. He blinked a few times when he saw Fabian emerge out of the surrounding foliage. "Oh, hello, sir. You're back!"

"Arrr!" shouted one of the pirates. "There be no need to refer to this landlubber as 'sir,' captain."

"Don't be disrespecting my authority, you swarthy sea monkey," Fabian said as he raised his open hand in the pirate's face. "Scrote, you will continue to refer to me as 'sir,' or if you prefer I will also accept 'master.' By the way, if these pirates aren't willing to follow my orders, I'm afraid we're going to have to ditch them soon. They're really cramping my style. We're also going to need to ditch the tree wench."

"Oh, is the dryad here, too?" Brandon asked.

"I'm right here, cutie," Druvidia said as she materialized over Fabian's shoulders. "The rude, ugly one here has something to give you."

"I do?" Fabian asked. "Oh, yes. Your share of the reward. Minus expenses for the trouble I went to obtaining it obviously. Say, do you want me to hold onto your share for safe keeping?"

"No thanks, I'll take it," Brandon said.

"All right," Fabian said as he handed it over. "Any time you want me to hang onto it, I'd be happy to do it."

"I'm good," Brandon said.

"So what's the deal? Why are we hanging out outside some old temple? Is there treasure inside?"

"Not that we've found. It's mostly an old stone altar, although there's a staircase descending down into the ground. One of the pirates spotted Oogums going down it a little while ago. I sent some of the men in to scout it out. They're reporting that there appears to be a complex series of tunnels down there."

"This sounds like a good old fashioned dungeon," Fabian said. "I've been in a few dungeons in my day. Some were kinkier than others."

"I'm not going to pretend to know what that means, sir, but I'm glad you're here. We were just about to head down there to look for the cat. Most of the pirate crew are down there already actually. There are apparently a bunch of torches on the walls, which they've lit so we should be able to see pretty well."

"That's good. There's nothing worse than wandering around a pitch black dungeon. You never know what's lurking in those things. Once I accidentally shoved my forearm up a troll's tuchus while blindly groping around in the dark. You want to talk about funky smells, that took weeks to wash off."

"Speaking of funky smells," Brandon said as he sniffed Fabian a few times. "What happened to you? You stink."

"I'd rather not discuss it," Fabian said. "Let's just say it involved a lot of badass heroics and killing on my part. And I washed myself thoroughly afterward. Believe it or not, it was much worse before. Besides, you're not one to talk, Scrote. You've always smelled weird."

"Arrr, I'll thank ye not to be talking to my captain in that manner," the pirate said.

"Listen, you pile of ocean garbage, this doesn't concern you. So back off my nuts, or I swear I'll cut you. Jeez, the nerve of some people."

At a signal from Brandon, the pirate backed down.

Fabian adjusted his collar and glared at him.

"Hey guys," Brandon said. "I think we should get down there and help look for Oogums. The longer we wait the more chance the cat has to get lost deeper in the tunnels.

"I am afraid I will not be able to accompany you down there," Druvidia said. "The mystic powers that sustain my spirit only work above the surface. Good luck on your quest, young Brandon."

"You mean you won't be joining us?" Fabian said. "Well, that's a real shame I tell you. A crying shame."

"I don't believe this is the last you'll be seeing of me," Druvidia said. "But fare thee well."

Brandon attempted to give her a hug, but his arms passed right through her so he settled for a wave goodbye.

"Temples usually keep their most valuable treasures hidden deep in the dungeon," Fabian said as they began to descend the staircase. "This should hopefully be a very rewarding excursion." He started to chuckle to himself, but then abruptly tripped over his own untied bootlace and tumbled down the staircase, taking Brandon and the three pirates down with him.