The Shady Adventures of Fabian

Chapter 54

The king was an obese man with a scraggly grey beard who sat slumped in his throne with what appeared to be a permanent scowl on his face.

Sir Mikael and Brandon bowed immediately as Fooflenuts announced them. After a moment's hesitation Fabian bowed as well, but mostly to stifle another giggle fit that he could feel coming on.

"You may rise," King Wangdangdoodle said with a wave of his hand. "What is the purpose of this audience with the king?"

"Allow me to introduce myself, your majesty. I am known as Sir Mikael."

"Sir Mikael!" the king sat up in his chair and the look on his face brightened considerably. "I have heard of you! You are a hero of some renown in these parts."

"Then surely you've heard of me!" Fabian piped up. "I am the legendary Fabian!"

"Who?" the king asked.

"Fabian. Don't tell me you've never heard of me."

"Can't say as I have. And who is your young companion?"

"Him? That's Scrote. But he's not important."

"Actually, your majesty my name is Brandon," he spoke up.

"Very nice to make your acquaintance. But please. Why have you come to see me this day?"

"We seek to rescue your daughter who has been captured by the evil wizard Delroy," Sir Mikael said. "Before we set off we seek your blessing."

"You also wish to rescue my daughter?" the king asked. "I just gave my blessing to that young woman a few minutes ago. Very well, you may have my blessing. Just be sure to destroy that accursed Delroy. I asked him politely to return my daughter unharmed and do you know what he had the audacity to send me?"

"No, I'm afraid I do not, your majesty," Sir Mikael said.

"Fooflenuts, go retrieve the animal," King Wangdangdoodle said with a wave of his hand.

Fooflenuts returned a moment later with a white cat that looked like it had most of its hair cut off.

"He sends me a feline to taunt me!" the king shouted. "As if turning my water into tar wasn't enough! This insult shall not stand!"

Fabian nudged Brandon with his elbow. "Hey, I think that's Oogums."

"Oogums is big and fluffy," Brandon whispered back.

"He was, but remember how the wizard said he needed cat hair? I'll bet he cut it off and then sent the cat since he no longer had need of it."

Brandon studied the cat for a minute. "I think you might be correct, sir."

"I know I'm correct. We might not have to go on this stupid quest after all."

"That doesn't seem right, sir," Brandon whispered.

"Excuse me, your majesty," Fabian spoke up. "I really hate to see you have to be tormented by the constant reminder of the wizard's treachery. Being the kind person that I am, I will gladly take that cat off your hands so you don't have to lay eyes on it anymore."

"No, I need to keep my anger strong. I shall hold onto this accursed cat until my daughter is returned to me. Once that happens I will gladly hand the cat over as I will have no further wish to lay eyes upon it."

"You really don't have to do that," Fabian said. "I'll leave with the cat right now and you can just relax. Being angry all the time really isn't good for your blood pressure."

"I have spoken," King Wangdangdoodle said. "The cat shall be yours when my beloved daughter is once more safe at home where she belongs."

"Fine!" Fabian said. "Well, Mikey, you got your blessing. Let's blow this joint."

"We shall be on our way," Sir Mikael said. "But first, I made a vow that I mean to uphold."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Fabian asked.

"We had a heroic traveling companion named Derek. I wish to spread the word of his deeds far and wide. If I may, your majesty, may I tell you his story?"

"You may," King Wangdangdoodle said.

"You're seriously going to waste our time talking about that cleric who couldn't even survive a bunch of stupid wood elves?" Fabian asked. "If we're going to stick around talking, why not tell about my exploits?"

Sir Mikael ignored him and proceeded to tell the tale of Derek for the next three and a half hours. Fabian quickly grew bored and began scoping out the room. For a king, this guy really seemed to be into minimalism. There wasn't much anywhere that looked particularly valuable. He did spot a goblet sitting on a shelf on the wall that looked like it might be at least partially made of gold. He waited until Sir Mikael got especially animated in his telling of the tale and quickly swiped the goblet. The king was completely absorbed in the story and showed no indication that he had seen Fabian's act of theft.

Finally Sir Mikael finished talking and the king wiped tears from his eyes as he applauded loudly. "It is to my great sorrow that I never had the opportunity to meet this Derek, but I shall be sure to honor him. In fact, I would like to make a royal decree that this day shall forever more be known as Derek Day in honor of the great hero. I will also doubly bless your quest because of your association with that legendary man."

"Thank you, your majesty," Sir Mikael said with a bow. "We shall return soon with your precious daughter."

"Thank you, your majesty," Brandon echoed as he bowed.

"Uh, thanks dude," Fabian said and bowed. As he bent over the goblet fell out of his pocket and clattered on the floor. "Would you look at that? Someone's leaving dirty dishes everywhere. Fooflenuts, aren't you supposed to be keeping this place clean? Never mind, I'll take care of it." He scooped the goblet up and shoved it back in his pocket.

"As a token of my appreciation, I would also like to present all of you with brand new traveling cloaks," the king said as he clapped his hands. Fooflenuts emerged with three black cloaks.

"Sweet!" Fabian said. "I've been needing a new cloak for awhile now. I don't care what they say about you, your majesty. You're all right in my book."

"Who speaks ill of the king?" King Wangdangdoodle said with a frown.

"Uh, that wizard Delroy, that's who," Fabian said. "Don't worry. We're going to mess that guy up real hard. Stupid wizards."

"Stupid wizards indeed," King Wangdangdoodle said. "Go forth now on your quest and be blessed. And know you shall have my eternal gratitude when my beloved Wartha is again safe in the castle."

"And you're going to give us that cat, yes?" Fabian said. "Along with some sort of significant monetary reward?"

"My appreciation will be made clear," the king said. "Now be on your way. I grow weary. Fooflenuts! Prepare my bed. And make sure the feather pillows are extra fluffy the way I like them."