The Shady Adventures of Fabian

Chapter 50

Fabian and his companions traveled through the night without further incident. They left the woods behind and began making their way into a rocky terrain covered with sparse growths of grass. Off in the distance a large mountain range loomed.

A couple hours before sunrise they came upon a small stream that trickled by a large boulder and Sir Mikael suggested they stop and rest a few hours before resuming their journey around midday.

"The water is fresh," Sir Mikael said as he tasted it. "Looks like the evil wizard Delroy hasn't worked his magic upon it and turned it into tar."

"It's probably too small to be worth his time," Fabian said. "I've pissed streams that were bigger than this." Still, fresh water was fresh water and Fabian drank his fill.

Brandon offered to take first watch and Sir Mikael volunteered to take the second shift, so Fabian settled in for a nice long snooze. He was haunted all night by dreams of wrathful tree spirits and men being burned alive, but he chalked it up to something he ate and didn't think any more of it the next day.

Sir Mikael had managed to snare a rabbit and had it roasting on the campfire when Fabian awoke.

"Good job, man," Fabian said as he chewed a mouthful of moist rabbit meat. "Now I remember why I keep you around."

Brandon sat nearby in silence and barely touched his meal.

"What's the matter, Scrote?" Fabian asked. "And, uh, are you going to eat that rabbit? Because if not, I'll totally take it off your hands."

"I just can't believe that Derek is dead and Druvidia is gone. I feel sad and also responsible."

"You should feel responsible," Fabian said. "It is your fault, in large part. But don't let it get you down. We've still got miles to go and lots of adventures to have. You're being a real downer right now and I won't stand for it."

Brandon stood up without saying anything and walked off behind the boulder.

"Well, at least he was courteous enough to leave his food behind,' Fabian said as he scooped it up and placed it on his own plate.

"Give the boy time," Sir Mikael said gently. "He is young and doesn't yet understand the ways of the world. Loss is hard for everyone and is especially so for one as young and sensitive as he."

"See, I just think we need to toughen him up," Fabian said. "The last thing that kid needs is to be coddled. You want him to be a pussy his whole life? People die every day. As long as it's not me who's croaking, it's no big deal. He just needs to deal with it and move on. Jeez, I really need to get that kid laid. I've been putting it off way too long. The next brothel we come across, I'm getting him a prostitute. Even if I have to forego having one myself. You see what a nice, generous guy I am?"

"He just needs to go through the grieving process naturally in his own way at his own speed," Sir Mikael said. "Before he knows it I'm sure he will be caught up once again by the spirit of adventure."

"Adventure is a sweet, sweet mistress, that's for sure," Fabian said wistfully. "But I'm still getting his cherry popped. I'm sure he'll be much less of a whiny little prat once I make a man out of him. Little sniveling nancy boy. Honestly, I'm not sure why I've let that kid tag along with me this long. He kind of cramps my style when you come right down to it."

A little while later Brandon returned to the campsite. His eyes were red and it was obvious he had been crying, but he seemed to have himself pulled together for the moment.

"Scrote! Where have you been? Off rubbing one out? We've got business to attend to. We can't be waiting around for you all the time."

"I was off doing some thinking," Brandon said. "I agree with what Sir Mikael said. Derek would have wanted us to complete our quest. It would give his sacrifice meaning if we could accomplish something good. We need to rescue the princess and Oogums. They're both poor innocent souls who didn't ask to be captured by an evil man. They don't deserve the suffering they're going through and it's up to us to save the day. So even though I'm sad, I'm going to get over it and I'm going to see this quest through to the end."

"Took you long enough," Fabian said. "I thought you were going to pout forever. Glad to hear you're going to stop being such a wet blanket. So how far are we from reaching our destination anyway? I'm getting antsy to finish this off and cash in our reward."

"From our surroundings I would estimate that we are deep in the heart of the kingdom of Syrenia. The kingdom of Wooglebury should lie at the base of those mountains off in the distance. I bet we could reach Wingwang by noon tomorrow if we continue at a good pace."

"Uh, what the hell is Wingwang?" Fabian asked.

"Wingwang is the capital city of Wooglebury."

"All right, so once we get to Wingwang, what's the game plan? You storm the wizard's tower while Scrote and I grab the cat?"

"Forgive me," Sir Mikael said. "The kingdom of Wooglebury is not our final destination. My plan is to speak to the king of Wooglebury and get his blessing for my quest to rescue his daughter who lies in the clutches of the evil wizard Delroy."

"Wait a minute, Delroy isn't in Wooglebury?" Fabian asked.

"Oh heavens, no," Sir Mikael said. "What in the world ever gave you that idea? Delroy lives in the land of Gronk, which lies back in the direction from which we've been traveling. It's just on the other side of the kingdom of Danvory which is where I met you. We were really quite close to Delroy's tower then. Probably could have reached it within a few hours."

"What the-" Fabian sputtered. "Are you fucking with me? Why the hell are we traveling to Wooglebury?"

"I told you, in order to ask the king for his blessing for my quest."

"Are you a complete moron?" Fabian asked. "You don't need to ask the king for his blessing. Just bring him his daughter back! He'll bless you with riches and rewards for sure! You're seriously wasting our time making us travel days out of our way just so you can get some stupid worthless blessing?"

"Paladins are big believers in having our quests blessed," Sir Mikael said. "If we don't receive a proper blessing there's no telling what could go wrong."

"What could go wrong? This whole quest has been a clusterfuck from the start!" Fabian said.

"Precisely," Sir Mikael agreed. "Which is exactly why we need to go receive a blessing."

"You're not going to let this blessing thing go, are you?" Fabian asked.

"As I said I believe it is vital to the success of our quest."

Fabian sighed. "All right. Well, you said we're going to go talk to a king? I take it that he lives in some sort of castle? Probably has lots of nice stuff laying around everywhere? Kings are usually loaded. I might be able to make the best of this situation after all. Let's go talk to this king of yours."

"Jolly good show, old chap," Sir Mikael said. "I should warn you though, we might have to fight a bloodthirsty giant who lives between here and there."

"Say what?" Fabian asked.

"Yeah, there's an awful giant who has been terrorizing the kingdom of Syrania lately. But there's a lot of ground he has to cover. We might not even encounter him at all."

"Well this just sounds better and better all the time," Fabian said. "All right. I ain't afraid of no giants. I've battled worse foes than that before and emerged victorious. Lead the way, paladin."