FALLEN (NOW PUBLISHED ON AMAZON)

8.

I sigh deeply, letting go of what happened with Mister Angry Face, and turn around to see Sophie right where Marcel was looking.  She hurries me with a hand and I quickly follow her inside.

The music is echoing through the pub like it was last night.  It makes me instantly forget the frown on Marcel's face to be replaced by the intensity on Ash's in my mind.  I look at him in awe, always so amazed by him.  I really need to pull the brakes on my infatuation towards him, because we made it clear nothing could happen more than a good time.  He is leaving...  He doesn't come from here...  I need to keep on repeating myself that to slow me down.  I don't even know the guy.  Having the attention and the affection of somebody feels so surreal.  I'm not a Ronnie...  Why me?

I decide to get a drink to change my mind more easily.  Ash and I decided to have a special kind of friendship, something that is beneficial for the both of us.  I feel like he's changing me... at least, I'm changing the way I look at things.  He makes me mores self-conscious and I like that.

"What can I get you?"  The lad behind the bar asks me, tearing me out of my thoughts.  I frown, not knowing...  What the hell.

"Two shots of tequila and a glass of whiskey on rocks, please."  I surprise myself by my order.  I need something strong.

I quickly turn around and lean back on the bar to look at Ashley.  Ashley...  I can't keep myself from fantasising about him and everything he makes me feel, both emotionally and physically.  My mind drifts back to what happened to us last night.  It was amazing.  I never thought it could be this good.  Nobody has ever made me feel this good.  Steeve has never made me feel that good.  I never thought it would be possible.

I smirk widely to the images in my head, Ash on top of me, his moans deep murmured to my ear, but get very frightened when I remember in the same room Steeve got mad at me.  I am turned off immediately.  I really don't get why I lost so many years of my life with somebody that doesn't treat me like I deserve.  Even Marcel, who bothers me to no end, shows me greater manners and respect.  It didn't seem that way the first time we encountered, but he told me he meant everything he said to me that first day as a compliment and I understand now that compliments are not something to take lightly when it comes to him.

Even if Marcel is hard to get, he is clearly driven by his passion. He is thoughtful and he has so much depth. I believe his cold and indifferent behaviour comes from an emotional shut down. I sometimes get the chance to see glimpses of his natural self. I think he is a romantic at heart. I see it in the way he chooses every word to describe more precisely each character and the protagonists's relationship. Steeve is nothing like that. He has no depth whatsoever. When he acts out, it's for no logical reasons. The only reason I can think of to justify how mean he acts towards me it's to greater his self-esteem. His behaviour is so entitled for no reason. He is not smart, nor particularly handsome. He has horrible taste in movies and music. He never wears perfume. He doesn't clean up after himself. But worst of all, he spends most of his nights drinking with his school buddies as self centered and dumb as he is. He is rarely affectionate, and when he touches me it's only to fuck me without my consent. But it's not rape when we're in a relationship, right?

It might have been the most emotionally exhausting weekend, never knowing where to stand with him.  I felt a bit like that with Marcel, but at least we compromised and had some fun together.  He is so cold and hard all the time that the small moments of fun I get from him mean more than anything.  They make it worth the downsides. 

"There you go, Miss."  The barman tells me, again interrupting my thoughts, but, this time I am glad, I was getting way too sentimental about my boss.