FALLEN (NOW PUBLISHED ON AMAZON)

20.

I am actually being woken up by the beautiful chant of birds outside my window as the light of day peeks through my curtains. I roll on my side and ravish again, with my eyes closed, of the dream I was having. I want to feel like that again. I am actually struck that what comes to my mind is memories and not dreams. I remember what it was like to wake in Marcel's bed. It felt so good. I don't know what about that experience made me feel good, but it did. I felt at ease. Maybe it was because of what had happened when we went to bed the night before...

I took off my shirt and got between the sheets. They were so cold and soft to the touch, I instantly felt relief and an incredible ease. As I was taking in every feeling and ravishing in the comfort of his bed, he quickly laid next to me and went on with confidence with his usual routine. It made me laugh, but it was adorable. He had his glasses on the tip of his nose, his back half pressed on is pillow on the headboard and a book tightly held between his large hands. He was flickering through the pages to his bookmark and he set it down to continue his reading.

I rolled on my side and looked at him in silence until he had had enough of my staring. I then asked him to read Bukowski's poems out loud and he did. It took some time, but I snook to his side and laced my arms with his warm body. He let me embrace him and after a while, we just ended up talking together.

We talked like we never had talked before. It was genuine and so simple. It was intimate without being sexual. It was perfect. Every of his kisses was moving my soul as well as making my heart burst. It made it so easy to keep on going, following the pace of our passion until we made love again. It felt so natural...

There's something so incredibly freeing to be waking up alone. I have the large bed to myself, I get to take my time and waste most of it as I please. I might actually enjoy living on my own, apart from sharing this flat with Sophie. I have been living, thinking, cooking, for two for the last five years now. I don't know how to live by myself and be selfish. Since I have come to London, it seems like I am being more and more selfish, but the habit is still there.

Talking with Ash yesterday made me realise how we have literally nothing in common except our musical taste. We had a very nice time nonetheless. He told me about his family and what life was like for him back in Australia. He barely asked me about my family, but I am glad. With all the questions Marcel raised into my mind about my supposedly "daddy issues", I preferred not to be talking about my family to not make it obvious. I am still actively trying to figure that out. Is that any true at all?

I brush it off and get out of bed. I take the first shirt I see with a pair of jeans I find in my drawer. I am going to take this day to relax and do absolutely nothing. I should probably enjoy Netflix a bit, I never use it because I never have the time. Now I finally do have some time and I want to do nothing. I want to make myself get bored. Maybe I could draw. That's something I haven't done in a long while. Maybe I could paint my nails. Maybe I could run some errands and get this place to look a bit more like me and fill Sophie's fridge. I could cook too. I could prepare some meals in advance and freeze them like I used to do back in Manchester. It would be so much easier for Sophie when she gets back from work and it could make many lunches to bring to work. That's a good idea.

Now that I think about it, I remember I wanted to spend some time and get to know her better. I am going to be living with her for I don't know how long. So, it's pretty important that we establish a good relationship and get along.

I head out of my room and look for something to eat, but since everything is Sophie's I actually feel bad to take her food. I decide to head out and walk to the ASDA a kilometre away. The air outside feels good on my skin. The air is fresh and pure and I feel so great. Why do I feel so good today? I have no clue, but I have been thinking a lot about myself, analysing myself and it made me realise how I have never been alone for five years.