FALLEN (NOW PUBLISHED ON AMAZON)

27.

Marcel walks unsurely in front of me. I don't understand why he's here. It makes me angry and it gets my heart intensely big in my chest. He is looking sorry and atrociously gorgeous. It pains me and I don't understand why he is doing this to me time and time again.

I wanted to have fun tonight and he seems to be ruining everything again. Is he doing this on purpose? I don't want to do this now. I am more hurt than angry at the sight of him and it weirds me out. My heart aches and I just want to numb this pain with pleasure and fun, all things he isn't synonyms to, but Ash is. My brothers are, in a non-sexual way. Ronnie and Sophie are too, they bring my mood up, they make me happy.

My sight crosses Marcel's, but I don't show any of the turmoil of emotion I feel inside. I stay cold and guarded. I pull my brother closer to me and follow from very far our friends making their way to the dressing room.

"Grace? I just want to talk." He lets out and it pains me how much I wanted something with him, but he treated me like I was nothing. He doesn't deserve any of my time if it's to hurt me again.

William looks down at me and he has the softest eyes on me. I look up and mould my body closer to him. I just want to be comforted for all the hopes I had that will never be.

I see Kate in my head again. I hear everything she said to me. I hear all the insults I have ever heard being thrown at me. I never really got to have thick skin because I always found somebody to protect me. Young, I somewhat had my brothers, then I had Steeve, when I got in London I had Marcel. Now that I find myself alone again, I find myself wanting to hide in a shadow. William has been my biggest support since I got here last week. I should work on myself and be strong, but it's not how I am.

Before my brothers found out I was being bullied, I was handling it all on my own. I always acted with kindness and with respect. That's the way I was raised, but somehow I can't deal with it anymore. I have crossed a point of no return. Marcel, from the first moment I met him, made me weirdly embrace this fierceness about me. I tell him what I want, like and dislike without being shy or intimidated. I let myself be the true me as raw and insecure and angry and imperfect that I am. I thought there was a beauty to that kind of bond, but there wasn't.  I gave him a look of all that I am and somehow he didn't know me.

"If you like him the way you have described, why don't you want to try to work this out?" William whispers as his embrace has tightened and our pace has doubled.

"He ended it. I am trying to move on. I don't want to get back into an unhealthy relationship."

"And what do you have with Ashley? You think it's healthier?"

"He makes me happy even though it's for a little while. He is kind and funny. We have fun. I don't get hurt with him."

"But it's not fair for him and it's not what you are all about. You are a lover, Grace. You are passionate and you are just using this guy. Ashley seems to be your rebound for everything. He was for Steeve and now for him." William says what I didn't want to admit to myself. It annoys me.

"What do you want me to do then?" I roll my eyes and let him go once we get in the room so I lower my voice.

"I don't know... because you haven't told me everything that has happened between you and your publisher. All I know is that he cares enough to be the one you rely on on many things. He supports your work, your break up with Steeve, he has fought him two times over you. It might not have been the rightful thing to do, I don't encourage violence, but I did the same like two hours ago, so I share his instinct. I trust anyone who's willing to care and protect my little sister."