The Secret Life Of The American Teenager [SEASON 6] Together Forever

Episode 56: the morning after

'I felt my heart burst into a million pieces. Or so It felt like it. I've actually never been so scared in my entire life. I will be soon out of here, yet I'm scared because I will be separated from my daughter. Who knows for how long? I can't just accept there could be something wrong with Brayleigh. I've come a long, long way. i matured a lot these last couple of years. Never had a choice. This pregnancy did feel different. Not only physically but mentally as well. I don't know, after I accepted this pregnancy I started to care more and more about this baby. I really tried. I'm just so tired of keep getting hurt in the proces of it all. I don't want to lose my baby. She is the reason why I'm still trying. I have to think about John too, he probably doesn't see me the way I saw my mother when I was his age. My mom was everything to me when I was 4. She was my rock, my hero... just everything. I haven't been able to give my son the same kind of love because I was too busy with school, boys... Well Ben, Ricky, moving away to New York, getting pregnant again... and now, being a total and utter wreck.' 

Amy closed her eyes one last time followed by a big sigh. She looked around to absorb the environment around her. It was 6 AM. She hasn't slept, not even for 5 full minutes. The only thing she could do was overthink, over and over again. The same things. For some reason she was disgusted by herself because she was too blind to see where her life went. How she became this person. Ricky didn't come back after he had left her alone at night. 'He needed some space.' She thought reading that text over. She rolled her eyes. Amy couldn't believe he needed space at such a fragile time like this. Her mother was on her way to pick her up from the hospital. Looking down she realized how much she indeed needed Ricky. His support, his helping hand... just everything. 'I don't want to go through this alone.' She shook her head, trying to erase all the negativity masking her face like she couldn't breathe. She lifted her blanket up. For some reason she wanted to see her scars. Why, she didn't know. But she wanted to see what it looked like. If something bad were about to happen to Brayleigh, she wanted recognition and to get some kind of acceptance from it all. She lifted up her shirt and looked at her scars. Her belly was still there obviously. It looked damaged and not attractive at all. It looked so messed up in her eyes. She didn't dare to look at her own body, fully naked in a mirror. And she didn't dare thinking about showing her skin to someone. She took a deep breath and let go of her shirt after insecurity about her body hit her. Her wounds were healing. But mentally, she wasn't. There was just no joy inside of her. 'I feel like I need to be brought to life again.' She thought looking at nothing. 

The door opened. Anne's head popped in. "Hey, Amy." She smiled. "Are you ready to get out of here?" She just looked away. "I don't know." She sighed. "I don't know if I'm ready. I feel like I've been a part of this hospital for so long." Anne walked inside the room and closed the door behind her. "I know how you feel but you have to stop thinking that?" She took her hand. "Doctor Worthly is filling in your documents. You will soon be discharged from this hospital." Amy looked down. "What about Brayleigh?" Anne took her hand. "She will be okay. I just know it." Amy nodded. 

Anne stood up and started packing Amy's bag. It al felt so surreal to be leaving this hospital. She felt like she was dreaming. A part of her was so happy she would be going home to fully recover. Physically and mentally. But another part of her was so depressed to even think about going home happily. Her gaze changed when she saw who was standing in front of her. "Ricky?" He stood there in front of her bed. Staring at her. "How long have you been standing there?" His gaze dropped and sat down next to Amy on her bed side. "I just came in." He said. "I'm sorry Amy." She sighed. "For what?" He stood up and looked at Anne. Hoping she understood his sudden stare. "Oh, my phone is still in the car, I need to call your father." She said, getting his point. Once she left the room. All there was left were Amy and Ricky. "So?" She asked. He sat down, once again. Staring at her. Trying to make up his mind. "I wanted to apologize for everything." He said. "For what exactly, I don't understand?" He looked at her with eyes filled with sorrow. "I'm sorry for meeting you at band camp." She shook her head in disbelief. "What are you saying?" He tried to think of a way to just say it without sounding too harsh. But there was no way around it. "I'm sorry that I met you. I'm sorry I played with you and had sex with you. I'm so sorry I got you pregnant at fifteen. I'm sorry I didn't care about you at first & I'm sorry for the things I may have done wrong during this pregnancy. I'm just sorry for taking away the life you always wanted." At that moment she didn't know what to say back. She was taken a back and felt so much guilt lingering around her. "Ricky, it wasn't your fault! We both made mistakes and did what we did. We are BOTH responsible for everything that has happened to us. That day at band camp may have started every single thing. But..." She hesitated, not sure if the words coming out of her mouth would make sense. "I wouldn't change a thing...  just because everything is rough." She smiled. "I wouldn't." She looked into his piercing eyes. "Of course I imagined my life different. But who doesn't? Everyone imagines their life differently. Every single human being has plans but plans change. Life happens. That's what happened to us." She sighed. "Look, you don't need to feel guilty. Please don't. It was my decision to begin with." She looked at her environment, trying to show him their surroundings. "It was my decision to stay pregnant with John. I couldn't go through the abortion." Ricky looked away. Thinking about that moment in his life made him want to punch something because he wasn't there for her. "After I decided to keep John -but wanting to give him up for adoption I can't exactly say I wanted to give him up for the right reasons." She started to look uncomfortable. Knowing what would come next could change her appearance as a person. She never told him this. Was this the moment they would spill secrets? seriously. "I honestly wanted to give him up for adoption because I thought you were no good. You weren't good to me, why would you be good to my baby? That, and the fact I was a stupid teenager who wanted to be with her boyfriend. Stupid me thought the weirdest things and-" He cut her off. "Like you said, we both made mistakes and learned from it. At the end you kept John. I honestly knew you would eventually. You were too good at heart to just toss him away." She looked surprised. "Is that what you felt about it? 'Toss him away?' If I had a chance to give him a better life?" He sighed. "Yeah, that's how I felt about it. Because no one's life is perfect and he should know that, & learn from our mistakes to do it better someday." Amy nodded and bit her lip. "You know, when I found out I was pregnant again I didn't know what to do. Abortion came to mind maybe once or twice but I knew I wasn't going to do that. It wouldn't have been fair to Brayleigh. Because I kept John." She swallowed and wiped away her tears. Ricky looked guilty. He never knew all of this. Sure he had thought about it. But hearing this right now made him realize he hadn't changed for the better, yet. "But at the end it's my fault she was born too early and I had an illness during this pregnancy. Because I didn't take a good care of myself when I was pregnant. I was so stressed out about everything. School, being on my own, having my mom with me knowing she was missing Robbie the entire time. That, and..." She paused, not sure if she should say this out loud. "That and the fact that I was jealous." Ricky looked confused. "Jealous of what?" He asked, not sure what she meant by that. She looked up, into his eyes, trying to make him get it. But he didn't. "I was jealous AND angry at you for moving on so fast with Clementine and for telling me we could be together again while you were with her!" She shouted, raising her voice. He looked super guilty at this point. "I'm sorry." She shook her head. "You're sorry? Is that it?!" He opened his mouth but no words came out. "Why Ricky?" She gazed in front of her. "Why did you have sex with me and tell me we could have a start at something beautiful again? And to leave me to find out you were in a relationship with the devil!" He brushed his hand through his hair followed by a big sigh. "It was wrong of me to do that to the both of you. To her, because she had already been hurt by guys so many times before. And to you because we have a history together and shared a life together." He sighed. "I guess I believed myself when I said that to you. I guess I trusted in my words that something good would come out of it." She shook her head. "And what good came out of it?" She asked, rather disgusted. "Brayleigh!" He said, trying to make her get it. She shook her head wildly and looked as if she could burst at any moment. "I can't believe you, you know that."