altercation of self-actualization《poetry

t h e c o l o u r ( s ) o f m y g e n d e r ( s )

i like blue and pink

on their own

nobody questions it.

once mixed together

i become an abomination of this generation.

i feel lesser on days

i like the colour blue

more then when i like

the colour pink.

because whats between

my legs somehow

speaks louder.

louder then my words

my opinions my thoughts

on the days i like

blue i find comfort

hiden under a benie a sweater

those are the days i like to

smoke my ciggerettes away

from the wondering eyes

of my high school.

the days i like pink

a little bit more

i feel like i can conquer

any magazine cover.

eye shadow corsets

and push up bras

those are the days

i feel less uncomfotable

because my brain matches

my chest on those days

i wear my heart on my sleeve

my smile feels like it radiants

power and all the energy from

the sun.

on the days i feel like

an abomination of this generation

are the days i feel like

i rather be camoflauged

into a brick wall.

those are the days 

where i wear boxer briefs

under my high waisted skinny jeans

i hide my face.

i smoke the most on those days

fourteen minutes off

my exsitence when ever i walk

to the street curb.

on those days

i feel the stares from

moms in their mini vans

intensify.

i dont think they do in real life

its just me over thinking

again and again and again

i over think those stares.

i see my mothers eyes

in their eyes.

im scarred cause

i dont know

i feel like i never know.

i feel like i havent known in years.

im scarred to talk about it

to anyone even to the boy

with dark eyes and the girl

in fish nettings and velcro shoes.

im scarred cause i don't

know how to say it.

this is the only way i know how

to say it.

im sorry.

i dont know how to say it.

6:35 pm

currently crying its been a while since this has happened. i ve started writting about stuff that keeps me awake at night and things about i never have properly addressed in even in my daily life with myself.

in other news my high school is cursed and my homies and i have started a GSA (gay straight alliance) at our high school we had our first offcial meeting today.

which was also what promted me to write about this.

i feel like this a big weight lifted off my chest.

sorry for this lil note.

peace peace.

ali

xx