altercation of self-actualization《poetry

p a i n t m y s t o m a c h f u l l

you said you could hear

the angles singing

when i hit the floor

said you thought i had over dosed.

but my system has been clean

even from nictoine

for about a week now.

my stomach has been empty

for about three days now.

when i had first started recovering

i knew relapse was a thing.

i now am relapsing

and i dont know how to do

a goddamn thing

i know how to not eat

and how to step on the scale

every hour like a dirty secret

i rather not keep.

i forgot what its like

to feel so full but empty.

i m scared cause i always

seem to fall back into

toxic relationships.

i m scared cause her hand

still falls into mine like a puzzle piece.

i m scared cause she still hunches

behind me in the mirrior.

i m scared cause i still love her

i loved the way my ribs were like

deep set valleys

how i began to hollow out

my cheeks

to bulid a home for my thoughts

cause my brain began to

flood from the smell of pot.

i loved the way how i would

be completly wrapped

in others arms

from a hug.

i loved feeling like i could fold up

and disappear.

i loved melting away under the

water that flooded the tub

i loved counting each rib

like a reason to skip a meal.

but love and loved

are two diffrent things

i m still in love with

her sharp ribs and burnt fingertips

her hallow cheeks and

blue lips.

shes crawled back into

my heart into my mind

shes back to being the only

thing on my mind.

i thought recovery

was going to be the hardest part.

i was wrong.

this is the hardest part

the relapse finding yourself

staring back down at that scale

and a plate full of food

you will not consume.

to find yourself

back where you started

at fucking square one.

right back where you

fucking started.

12:47 pm