altercation of self-actualization《poetry

d a d

he still holds me to my words

that i said when i was

five years old.

unable to even to write

the simplest of words

like yes or no.

back then those words

meant less complicated things.

i promised him no.

no i would never smoke

while sitting

in the passanger seat

of his corsica

windows rolled down

my barbies music hits soundtrack

floating down the street.

i find myself nine years later

down that same street.

this time i was in no car

there was no music

i was stumbling trying to walk

as my friend recorded me

putting it on her snapchat story-

"when the drugs hit you too hard"

i was fucked out of my tree

while they smoked tobaccoo

on low branches of a tree.

those were days of firefly evenings

and joints rolled on dinner plates

in my buddies bedroom granished with

a bottle of malibu rum

passed between four of us.

those were the days.

the days before i started to run.

run from his words he spit like

bullets from half empty beer cans.

hating me for reminding him

of what he use to be.

for making his life harder

never once heard him cry

himself to sleep.

cause his dad didn't call him

a dead beat drug addict.

but in the eyes we both share

thats all he see's in me.

screaming matches in superstore

right next to the fake crab.

he told me he wished they never had me.

wished i would just od and die.

quit his suffering.

quit the families suffering.

never once wondering about

my suffering.

never once wondering

what i was dealing with.

all he cared about was if i was dealing

and if he could send me away for that.

i remember that promised i made

back when i was five

the day i started smoking.

i couldn't imagine looking him

in the eyes that night

something i wouldn't dare do.

now he still all i think about

when i take a puff of the paper rolled

cancer stick.

still not ready to admit

that i am just like him in that way.

seeing how far

we can push the envelope

before it becomes to far.

i learned to stop saying the word no

to people i care about

i know the word tends to hurt

especially when a promise

is made around it.

no i won't ever smoke.

no i ve been sober since janurary.

no its okay i forgive you.

no its my fault.

no i ate breakfast this morning.

its always easier to just say yes.

but to protect people

sometimes no is your only option.

cause i don't ever want

a christmas like that again.

i wish those words didn't have to be

so damn complex.

i wish yes and no were as simple

as they were when i was five

sitting in my dads corsica

with the windows down

blasting barbies music hits soundtrack.

i wish it was still that easy.

6:01 pm